Hi. I'm very new to this.. I'm 19. I don't know if this is the section I should be in. I think I have PTSD but I'm not sure. I only just came up with this assumption recently. My close friend whom I have explained everything to told me that this might be a possibility.. Ever since I was probably 8 or 9 years old I've had severe problems with depression and cutting. No one really noticed until I was about 12 and no one did anything about it until I was 13 or 14. I went to the hospital once when I was 14 for cutting. My mom didn't really know how to deal with it. I had really big problems with my therapists because I could never tell the whole truth for fear of being placed in another home or something. The second time I went to the hospital when I was 15 or 16 was the worst. I don't really know what happened. I thought it was because my girlfriend cheated on me or something that had to do with that, but that didn't make any sense because I had girls hurt me a lot and I never felt like I had lost myself that much before. Before that I never had panic attacks. I didn't even figure out they were panic attacks until about a month ago. I thought they were circulation problems and me just freaking out because my hands were going numb..

I also have had a hard time ever since the subject of abuse came up. Figuring out whether I was really being abused or if it was just me exaggerating. I still have problems with that today in present situations. Like with my friends. Like if they are just being whatever or if they really don't respect or care about me. Then I wonder if I'm caring too much. After i went to the hospital the second time during that whole summer I went through the terror episodes without really knowing why. I felt like I completely lost the part of myself that was able to cope with all of the bullshit I had to put up with. I started questioning whether I was still gay, because I didn't have the feelings for girls that i had had all my life. I found myself terrified of getting too close even though I was already kind of with someone, I didn't want the label of being in a relationship. It made me extremely stressed when I thought about being in a relationship to the point that i would have a panic attack almost every time I thought about it. I've been dealing with all of this for almost 4 years now. I think I've started having feelings for girls again and a wanting to get closer but I'm still extremely terrified. I run away a lot easier now then before because any time I think I'm going to be taken advantage of again my chest gets really tight and I think about everyone else who has taken advantage of me and hurt me. I think i may have been neglected a lot when I was younger and slightly abused physically. My dad whipped me once with a tree branch and left close to maybe 100-120 whelps from my upper thighs to the bottoms of my feet. I had to miss school the next day and I was also grounded for a week (I was in sixth grade when this happened) He told me not to tell anyone and I didn't. When I went back to Houston to visit my mom that summer, my brother told my aunt (the biggest mouth on my moms side of the family) about what had happened which started another custody battle.

The next christmas my mom basically had custody of us and we were going to visit my dad for the holidays in Tennessee. Naturally I was scared to go back for fear of my dad and my grandparents being mad at me. They were. My dad told me that what I had done was stupid and heartless and that i was no longer welcome there anymore but that my brother was. Lol, and this was all on the first day. Great I get to stay an extra 2 weeks in a place that I'm not welcome and i wasn't even the one who ****ing said anything. I tried to commit suicide a couple of times.. I couldn't go through with it though because I was just too scared of what would happen. I was cutting a lot at that time. I never went back to tennessee for 5 years. When I was 16 I went back and they still thought everything was my fault. I had to admit that I was the one in the wrong in order to keep the peace.. I needed money for college and such that was my main reason for going back. My mom is an alcoholic and struggles with money all of the time. I don't live with her anymore though.

I want to forgive everything and make everything nice again but I don't think that's possible. After the divorce when I was 6 I didn't really have any friends outside of school. I was pretty quiet. I couldn't really have friends outside of school because my dad didn't want to meet any of the parents and I couldn't hang out with anyone unless that happened, so i just stayed inside most of the time. I got used to it and I was fine with it until I started getting older. I've basically written a book here lol. I don't know, I guess it's all just been bothering me a lot lately. The biggest problem is that I started cutting again, and I'm basically an adult now, and it's not really acceptable now. I don't want to be like this. I'm always afraid of what people think of me now. I wasn't always like this.. I used to be pretty collected even when all of that stuff was happening. It's only after that summer when I was in the hospital last that I've been feeling completely vulnerable and extra sensitive. I don't feel like my friends understand, so I thought I might try and find people who might understand more.