At my last session, my T shared an important insight with me. I was talking about struggling with that harsh critic in my mind- the shameful thoughts and feelings. (Thinking I am weak, I shouldn't be feeling this way, I shouldn't be affected like this, I should be over it by now, blah, blah, blah.) The doc used the course of the session to show me how this stops the process of experiencing my feelings. The shaming critic is a defense mechanism against facing my feelings. If I understand it correctly, I would imagine this is how anger works to prevent feeling the feelings beneath the anger. It's easier to deal with anger and shame. This led me to wonder if the denial serves the same purpose.

Unfortunately, I had the opportunity to test the validity of this theory. The day after my session, I was completely numb. A couple of days later, the numbess was wearing off and my mind was filled with endless chatter trying to digest what we had discussed. In a nutshell, the chatter was a return to the shame and denial. I had to ease my restless mind because I needed to go to work. Sure as ever, no sooner did the chatter stop, I began to cry.

Aside from being alert to when I am doing it and stopping myself, I don't know what to do with this new awareness.

There is one other way in which I might be avoiding facing those feelings. I shared with Becvan my concern that I might be beginning to use the grounding techniques during sessions to avoid my feelings. The grounding helps me avoid becoming overwhelmed and getting lost in the memory of them. I am not sure if it also serves the purpose of becoming disengaged from the emotional intensity.

How else have I avoided my feelings? I minimize and deny. I minimized the effect an event had. I described it as weird and bizarre. Honestly, it shook me up pretty badly. I minimize the traumatic nature of my experiences at work.

In sharing these things, I imagined many forum members can relate. Also, sharing these things helps me be accountable. I am sure there are more ways in which I avoid facing my feelings. I will add them later as they come to me.

tude,
You are a good writer and I enjoy reading your posts. My biggest problem is my defense mechnisim when I am around negatvivity. It's like battling to stand up for myself and convincing others, I was misunderstood. I look forward to reading more of your posts. You are a joy to this forum.
sunnydaze

Whoa - insight... but very deep (good). I believe I am in huge denial because I so often shake my head and tell myself that IT didn't happen or ask myself if my babies - who were just incredible little people - were just a fantasy and a dream that I made up because I wanted children so badly. They were very real I assure you - it is just near impossible many days to digest and accept what happened to us. How do I get to the point you are at? I understand what you are saying but it feels like it has so many facets that I don't really understand it at the same time. (am I making any sense?)