Howdy, all!

I've been doing a lot of reflecting on the dynamics in my relationship with my DH, and I would appreciate some feedback.

I have abandonment issues from a past marriage. I thought I had largely worked through them, but clearly I have work yet to do.

My DH has a deep-seated fear of rejection. In his past he drove pretty much every single human being out of his life, due to PTSD, and he delved deeply into the abyss. I think he now fears that people "abandon" him due to his issues - that is a nutshell version of what he's told me. When he is rational and we have discussed his anger and rages, he has expressed a deep fear of driving me away also.

We seemingly now have an entrenched pattern, a dysfunctional dance, if you will. He ramps up and gets angry. If one of us does not successfully re-direct him, the next thing he does is threaten to leave me. I try very, very, very hard not to take this personally, not to believe that he really will leave, not to take it on its face. Sometimes I am successful. Other times, my weaker times, it cuts deep, bringing up my old abandonment issues that I previously thought were healed and gone. And then, I cry.

My reaction, then, in turn, is a REWARD for him, perversely, I think. He feels needed, wanted, validated - the opposite of rejection. He does not get this reward every time, but often enough to actually encourage the behavior. I recall from college psychology that periodic reinforcement is actually a more powerful motivator than reinforcement each time a behavior is performed.

And I think that whole dynamic is one reason why it helps hugely when I use the distance solution to rages and LEAVE him alone for a time after he blows up. When I can manage that, none of this happens.

One very telling thing about this past weekend was the HURT he expressed later: he kept repeating that I wanted him to leave. What actually happened is he threatened to leave again, and this time I agreed he'd be happier if he did so. He did not get the positive reward he was seeking? I don't know that he actually rationally thinks about this and seeks to make me cry - it isn't like that - I think this is a more subconscious motivator.

I don't know if I'm on target here or not. I'd appreciate feedback.

Thanks!

Cowgirl

Odd to answer one's own question, but for whomever might benefit I'll post this follow-up.

DH was in a good mood last night, so it was a good time for a discussion. I noted that we both fear abandonment in one way or another. He agreed. I noted our frequent pattern. He agreed. I asked if possibly the reason that he threatens to leave is to get me to show how much I need him so that he won't feel so afraid. He acknowledged that was likely behind his actions. We agreed to work on that issue.

Progress.

Cowgirl

Wohooo!

You go girl!!! I am so happy for you! Hugs xxx

Spirit x

I am thinking about this before I answer...................

Spirit x

Why are we human beings such complex animals? Wouldn't it be much easier if not only did we always know our own motivations, but our partners too. It would make life much easier to not have to "read into" words, actions, emotions and try to interpret them ~ usually incorrectly.

That is great that you and your DH were able to talk about how you both were feeling. Maybe when you see that he is in a "talking" mood try to continue these conversations and explore deeper and you two will grow closer and more connected.

Sisu

I always find it odd that I have to overthink any of my actions and emotions.

I always have to check if my filter is working correctly or is an old lens focussing on the problem.

This can be so exhausting. I wish sometimes I just could be and do without thinking.

Anyone know what I mean? Do you do this too?