When I first broke apart my daughter was about 4 or 5. That is when I had clinical depression which really became chronic. After that I was a different person. As she put it when she was 17, it was like she lost her 'old' Mom. I know reflecting back I became emotionally dead - everything I tried to give was fake, I thought my pretense was undetected. It was the beginning of the PTSD but not diagnosed.

As I raised her and provided her with a home, opportunities I never had, and a mom like I never had, - I did the best that I could while functioning like a robot. When she was 9 I had another breakdown, this was the toughest on us all. I was in a pit and empty - became anorexic for three years. I lost 85 lbs and was smaller than my adolescent daughter. All was done in silence, but could not be denied by observation. That is when the memories came flooding back of my childhood abuse. I was horrified.

Now you can figure out where I was for the next 12 years of therapy.

How it affected my daughter though. She feels I deserted her when she was 5 and that I wasn't there for her growing up. I don't think that is totally true but I do admit my mind was often elsewhere. I always tried to be there for her regardless of where I was at. I stuffed, put myself away, and addressed the present with her. She was the center of my world and the only thing keeping me alive.

After her father dropped dead when she was 16 it became living hell with her. She was so angry at everything and it was all directed at me. She became totally abusive to me and cut me out of her life even though we lived together. When she was 18 at the end of her Freshman year of college I had to kick her out of the house to live with her Step Mom because we were harming eaching other beyond return. We didn't speak for about half a year.

Today she is 22, we have regained a close relationship on her terms. She is still judgemental and lacks understanding of the whole picture. I walk on eggshells around her and have learned to have no expectations of her in response to my needs. This hurts me but it is how it is.

I would say, My PTSD totally colored our lives together beyond either of our control. The timing sucked but you can't pick when these things will happen.

I know there was tremendous support, love and good times beyond what I had growing up but she doesn't remember that and focuses on the bad and what she didn't have from her perception (not reality which is based on everyone elses perceptions - therapist, my mom, my two closest friends).

Unfortunately, I have to accept it and hope that time will reveal to her the reality as she matures and recognizes her past more clearly.

Cindy I can sure relate to your story.
Even with the things I have learned and the things I have done for the past 4 years, it is still difficult to sort things out sometimes.
To be sure, I have made significant mistakes, and the ones I love the most paid a price. And I am responsible for my actions and my mistakes.
But at the same time, PTSD IS VERY VERY VERY real. This disorder so altered my thinking and my identity, I was not capable of doing things differently than what I did. I'm just gratefull that those days are now behind me.

Well, the family members I've told TRY to be supportive. However, my mom refers to the rape as "that thing that happened," and when my brother found out, the first thing he did was buy a gun. Enough said?!

I think, like Cindy said, their not-so-helpful attitudes about my trauma are the result of thier own guilt and inability to cope. This is also why I have yet to tell other family members, even those who I know will be supportive, as I don't want to put any emotional strain on them.

Another thought, what difference would it make if they did accept their responsibility. It wouldn't change what happened. They then may offer
"sympathy" not empathy. - WHICH I DON'T WANT FROM THEM!

I don't need to add their burdens onto my own.

It's almost better the way it is. One sufferer without any strings dangling.

Perhaps many family would offer sympathy Cindy. However. Not all. Certainly I have not felt pity for my daughter, though I love and support her. Fact is, our daughter admits she is far further along in her recovery with family support than she would have been without. Good family and friends, other carers, if one is fortunate to have them, are a huge help in recovery in my humble opinion. Jim.

I've come to a bit of a road block. The family member in question is my Father, we used to be very close.

I have attempted to explain to him what I'm going through and what PTSD is. He had just looked at it that I am "stressed" and that I need to talk about it; so he tries to force me to. Which causes an argument and it turned into a big fight. I tried explaining to him that it is more complicated than just stress and that I'm not comfortable talking to him about the things that are bothering me. Well for one, I can't remember some of it any way. He basically responded that he's not willing to understand what I'm going through until I'm willing to talk to him. And he blames the military on changing me, so he doesn't understand me any more.

So I tried explaining how I felt to my Mother and gave some information on PTSD, I also asked her to talk to him about it. She said she will but it also seems like she doesn't think it is as big a deal. Now it seems like they both think I need "space" and my Father is to pig headed to call. When ever I think about it, to attempt to call and resolve things; my anxiety gets worse because I feel like I'm being forced into resolving the situation. I've talked to my therapist about it and the solution wasn't helpful; I'm working on a replacement.

Have any of you had similar problems with family members? If you did, how did you resolve it?

Thanks.

Moog:

They seem willing to try and understand but you are not giving the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like they want to listen to you.

IMO - I would try to engage in a conversation with them where you can set the limits and identify what you wish to share with them upfront. This will be a start. Right now, if I were them I think I would feel cut off from you by your choice.

If you truly want them behind you, you have to start somewhere. You have to decide what that will be. Try to explain it in terms they will relate with or understand from their own experiences in their lives.

One thing I have learned is that my definition of family understanding PTSD and theirs are completely different. I had higher expectations. I felt that had to know exactly what it was and be able to talk about it in detail. I felt they were supposed to be always willing to be my shoulder to cry on and to react to me the way I thought they should.

I have learned how unreasonable this really is. My family does not have a clue what PTSD means shy of I get stressed easily and react funny. They have no idea of what the healing process consists of. They often are not my shoulder to cry on and rarely ever react they way I think they should.

I have learned that my absolutes only alienate them and me. That absolutes do not work in the real world. (Absolutes I consider to be terms like unconditional love, understanding etc.) I have learned that every one reacts and varies on how they deal with things.

I have learned that they accept that I get stressed easily and I react funny. I have learned that they accept that I am trying to get better and they support me in this journey, despite not understanding it in detail. I have learned they love me in their way and that they show it the best they can.

I have learned to relax my control issues by not demanding unreasonable expectations of them. I have learned to accept the love, support and understanding they do give me and to be grateful for it.

bec

I have a simular situation to yours as well, my parents dont think its a big deal and I need to get over it. When they are compassionate, which is not often they tell me, you are strong, you can get past this. They make me feel pretty bad. I talked to my T about this for the first time and he was great. he told me to have them call him and he will explain it to them, let them know im ill and im not going to just get over it. maybe your T would do that for you.Just for point of refrence Im in my 40's so not a youngster anymore

I do not even dare to tell what is left of my family that I have PTSD. I learned a long time ago that they never took me seriously anyways. My sister would call me a hypochondriac. I have no contact with my immediate family as a result