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  #11  
Old 18-04-2008, 11:19 AM
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kers kers is offline Gender Female
 
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Excellent suggestion from your friend, Nicolette. I'd add that, at least in my case, being pushed to do anything (even share with a loving friend) is a major trigger as it recreates the trauma, in which I was forced to do or say things. So I tend to clamp down even more if urged to share! When given time and space to regain my composure and sense of safety, I am much more likely to volunteer my thoughts and feelings, and this is likely true for others.
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  #12  
Old 18-04-2008, 06:21 PM
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I very much agree with the lack of respect aspect. Shutting down is a survival mechanism. It may not be a very healthy one, but it keeps you alive. If someone could not grasp that I just need to do that once in awhile, frankly they wouldn't be in my life for very long. Mind you, I don't shut down for that long either. I also will not be apologizing for it. This is not bad behavior. It's a survival mechanism. Why would anyone apologize for that? I will not apologize for symptoms nor mechanisms that have enabled my survival. I will work on more healthy ones though.

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  #13  
Old 19-04-2008, 04:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cherryblossom View Post

Even trying to explain it here, sounds quite warped. On the one hand, I want someone to care about how I feel and listen to me. But at the same time I can't always explain what is going on, nor do I want to, so it feels like pressure, so I push it away. Then when I'm ready to share/talk, I realise that no-one is around, so have to go back to those friends,apologise, try to explain, and then try to talk about what is going on.
No, it isn't warped. It simply is.

My DH cannot always verbalize what is going on inside either. Because we live together, I'm still right there with him, and so I'm left to try to piece it together and discuss it later when he can talk about it. It makes it challenging, as there is some guess work for me in trying to figure out what is going on. But eventually he comes round and we can talk. Oddly, while I am absolutely no mind reader, I've often got it figured out pretty accurately by the time we talk - I guess that comes from being together awhile, you start to learn what is going on better over time.

Sometimes he needs space (don't we all??). One does what one needs, and that is OK. He loves me. He needs me. But he doesn't need me right there in his space around the clock every day. And that's OK.

It is good you have friends who can understand and give you the space you need and wait for you to call them when you are able.



Cowgirl
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  #14  
Old 19-04-2008, 05:02 PM
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I think it's respectful to hear another person's "side" although it's probably more natural to stay in the argument. When my husband gives in or walks away, it DEFINITELY helps me see the light and come to meet him in the middle. This entire process lends itself to emotional intelligence. -CS
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