It's up to you.

Good luck
Tammy

I understand too. The anonymity is what I like about this place. But if you can, remember everyone here is or has been in a place similar to you. They are very kind. And if you cant, then remember we understand that too. there are many steps in this journey, you will know if you can or not.

in case you havent found it yet, there is a chat room for PTSD only. Go to forum and chats and there is one there that is private. bad directions sorry.

I dont know how the diary's work or if they are private, but they are there.

Hi Cypher... yes you can start a diary, but if you do that privately then I cannot use it as an example, as others cannot see it. If you want to do this publicly, I can help you here and now... though a diary is a different kettle of fish. Sorry, I just have limited time that is all. I do not have the time to take on anyone else privately at present....

Again, please do not feel pressured though. If your not comfortable doing this publicly, then please do not and we'll just end this now. If you are, then do so at a level you are comfortable with.

If you want to do this here and now, tell me what your most significant traumatic aspect is, how that makes you feel, and we can start at that.

OK, well I'm not comfortable at all talking about this, but it helps, yeah? So my mom and her boyfriend show up at my door one day drugged up and smell of alcohol. It was my mom (I was adopted, so not my adoptive mom) and I wanted to help her out so I let them in to stay. At first they were behaving alright I guess, then they both started to verbally say things I didnt like. They became very contrilling moneywise, time wise and every other ___wise. I should have seen that as a warning, but I would have never thought how far it would jump. THings escelated a bit, being physically abusive now. I should have done something. One day I came home late from work and they were pissed off, extremely upset. I dont know why, maybe it was the drugs or something happened before I got home from work? But the next thing I know I'm tied down naked and have a huge spider crawling on me (the really big ones ((the T word)) ive been sooooooo scared of my whole life and can't even bring myself to type it out ahhhh) It worked it's way up to my face/mouth and when it got close to my mouth, they plugged my nose so I had to breath through my mouth and it kinda crawled in my mouth. They held my head so I could'nt shake it off/out. I threw up and that got it away for a bit. They were laughing and sexually excited by it. They were watching porn and started looking up other things on the internet like crimes aginst humanity and war crimes, torture stuff like that. They found all kinds of pictures of people killed in various manners. Made me look at it with a gun. One had a gun and took out 5 bullets and put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger 3 times. Then spinned the cylander again and put it elsewhere and pulled the trigger 2 or 3 more times. My toenaile were painted by my neice at a family reunion we had not long before this and they ripped them off with vise grips. The pain I was in sexually excited them to no ends. They raped me and pissed on me. My shoulder was dislocated somehow among other things. Alot of other things happened that night and later the following 2 months. But for now, I'm stopping. It's all my fault this happened, I had signs and did nothing.

oh cypher, not your fault. Not your fault at all. How in any part of your mind could you have known that was going to happen. How could you have been in anything but shock. It must be physically exhausting just to talk about.
You are very brave and strong. And you are safe.
Thank you for sharing. You rock.
I am curious, and I hope you dont mind me asking. now that you have talked about it, and see that you are still safe, does that help?

That is not your fault. You are not responsible for their cruel actions, nor did you cause them. No one would have seen that coming.

Oh no Cyper, that is sad. You really did a good job in typing this out after you felt so scared. You should really pat yourself on the back for being strong and able to face this.

I don't see how this could be your fault. As a human being we want to see the best in our parents even when we have clues that something is not right. We tend to deny that there is anything wrong with them when we love them.

I hope you called the police on them and they are in jail.

Hang in there and keep dealing with the pain and you will eventually be able to accept that this was NOT your fault at all.

thanks for your replies!! They all hep! thanks! i guess I'll go on now. That same night(they smoked a lot1 maybe 2 packs a day, I dont know. But after looking at those pictures, they started to put them out on me in the shape of swastikas. Theres 2, both on my right arm one just above my wrist, and the other bigger one is closser to the elbow. Its interesting because the smaller on is healed, the skin is still very fragile, peeing off and such, but the larger one is just a bunch of scabs, evev like it dosetwant to heat. They also put them out on the bottom of my feet, In the same spot over abd over all over my feet, I'm avtually gotten stress fractures from trying to avoid walking on them by walking on the side of my foot. I was choked unconcioes and when

Cypher,

What happened to you is awful; it shouldn't have happned; it is NOT your fault. I understand the feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame; I have them, too. However, you did NOT deserve this, and nothing you said or did/didn't do makes this abuse any less wrong.

I have a saying that I used when I did presentations at local schools/colleges during my time as a rape crisis counselor. Here it is:

I could walk into a frat. party, in the middle of the night, piss drunk and completely naked, AND NOBODY HAS A RIGHT TO TOUCH ME!

I know how easy it is to obsess over what you should have/could have done, but no matter what, you did not ask for this abuse, and (I can't say this enough), it is NOT your fault. The shame is your abusers' shame; the guilt is their guilt.

That being said, the feelings (of blame and guilt) are normal feelings. When trauma occurs, our minds can't always process it as it should be processed (hence the PTSD). When we place the blame on ourselves, this is a defense mechanism. Think about it: If you think there was something YOU did wrong, then it is easier to say, "Well, if I don't do _____ in the future, I will be safe and free from abuse." This is also why some people try to blame the victim of abuse, as they want to believe that it couldn't happen to them. (Same reasoning: If I don't do _____, then I will be safe.) Unfortunately, that isn't the case. We are all vulnerable as human beings.

I wish you luck on the journey of healing. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Nic

other things happened and i offered to put them up in a hotel ( I disconected all the tvs so they wouldnt/couldnt watchamd hid the cables and called the company to turn it off. they got pissed so i put them up in a hotel for a week. THEy came back after about 2 weeks, it was snowing and cold. I felt bad even after what had happened. They laid a MAJOR guilt trip on me and kinda forced their way in, I avoided them as much as possible, working late, driving around after work for hours, eating out. One day I came home and they were pissed I was gone so long, the duck taped me and tied me up, blindfolded out to some location i didnt know where. They strangled me to the point they thought I was dead, raped me more/ pissed on me. I was bleeding and felt horrible. I heard a river nearby so i trird to clean up the best I could and found a road next to the river, hitchiked to as close to home as I could and walked the rest of the way home. I went to work the next day, I dont know how to explain how i felt?? nobody noticed at work, I didnt want to talk about it anyway. Theres other things I'm missing, but for now that's it. THanks for your posts and support, it meand alot as I'm really struggeling with this, as I'm sure must of you are too. Thankyou.