I hope you see someday that your only job was to survive. Not to see the future, or know what kind of sick things and people there are out there.
You did it, and are still doing it. Be proud. YOU did not deserve that and it was not your fault.
Hugs

Cyper, it might be a good idea to get rid of those pictures. I'm still struggling with getting rid of the news paper clippings of my father's murder.

However, I was able to shred my ex-husband's death certificate. That made me realize I was able to accept him and all that happened, then let it go. It was very difficult to do, and it took me a month to actually shred it after I decided that shredding it would be a start of letting go.

I feel the reluctance in getting rid of the news paper clippings of my father is my want to keep him a live. But in the same instance I have other photos of him so I'm keeping his murder alive. The thought of shredding them causes me anxiety but I know that I will do it when I'm ready to let go 100%.

I'm still stuck in thinking that I'm not honoring him by throwing them away when in reality I'm keeping his pain, which has turned into my pain, alive. It's flawed thinking.

My point in telling you this is that it might be a goal for you to tell yourself that at some point you will get rid of those photos of your abuse. I know they validate that you were hurt, but you don't need them.

Take care
Tammy

Hi Cypher, well done on getting some of this out. Now, this is not going to be like others replied to you, and this is what your getting yourself in for. Cypher, you are going to get ill from this if you go further. This is your warning... you will go down to a very bad place, likely even already hit bottom in the past, but you need to be aware and make that decision to continue reading or stop now. Your decision alone. This forum has a legal policy, ensure you have read it and understand it. If not, take it to your legal practitioner and they will help you.

You are going to get ill here, but it's going to be short term pain for long term gain on your behalf. Be aware, nothing I do here is for any other purpose than your benefit. You have to trust me and remain in control. You may become suicidal, though nothing different than you have already experienced no doubt with the pain. If you do then you need to seek local support immediately. If you trust me and trust yourself to keep at this and not give up when the going gets tough, and it will get tough, in a few months you are going to find yourself quite better off than now. It takes that time for the brain to process and accept anything new you learn.

Cypher, you are partially correct in that you do have some blame for this matter, and that you are going to have to learn to accept that you screwed up in some aspects, you made some mistakes in some aspects, and you are going to have to live with that. You are also going to learn though which aspects you are responsible for and which you are not. You need to put a clear and distinctive line between them both. People often blame themselves for too much, which you are doing yourself. Others here have said its not your fault, but we both know honestly that is rubbish in its entirety. You have some fault, its just a matter of what, instead of you carrying the entire amount which I believe you are.

This is your fault, you own this. You had a decision to make in letting drugged and drunk people into your house. Because you did this, then that automatically means you do own some of the responsibility to what occurred to you, not all, just some.

Yes, this is your fault for not taking action immediately on all the signs they displayed to you, however; you do not own nor could have reasonably known what their intentions or future acts would encompass. You are now seeing a distinction made between your fault and their fault, what you knew and what is unknown. You must clearly define these aspects when viewing trauma. You must categorise them if you like.

As this was a short period of time, yes, you should have acted and removed them from your home, called the police, etc. Here is the tricky part though, and a very important part of how this is to be viewed within you.

This is lovely to look back and say what you should have done, could have done, but what I need to know from you is; what was in your mind at that time? Did you think at that time to call the police? If so, what did you think to not call them? What where your thoughts on allowing them to remain and do nothing about the way they treated you? I ask this because this is different to what many may think or relate, in that when you are referring to an abusive partner, someone who has strong emotion involved, compared to someone who doesn't have the same level of emotion involved. Did you feel more guilt instead of loving emotion towards letting them in? If so, why?

Now, listen carefully.... their acts they own, you do not own what they did to you. Again, you do not own their acts against you, they do.

What you own is different, in that you own some of the responsibility for these acts to be taken place to begin with, in that you let them in, you put up with the escalating abuse, instead of calling the police and having them removed. You own those parts, you DO NOT own their acts of violence or torture against you. You need to clearly define those aspects in your mind so you can place blame where it should be placed, and not carry it all yourself.

This is where things change.... being in an abuse cycle where you now have been degraded or threatened, scared and intimidated to do as you are told. We will come back to these things....

You need to read these things very carefully Cypher, you need to read it over and over if required, you need to not take negatives but instead read and use information here in its entirety, full statements, full sentences or paragraphs, not take a small context and manipulate or use it any other way. It is important for you to understand every aspect of what we are doing here in order to help you come to terms with your trauma and assign guilt and blame in the right areas to begin with.

I dont quite know what to say, so good luck.
Jill

Anthony, you scared the %$#*! out of me with the legal policy, I read it. What happens if anything at all.? (theres 2 more postea about it)

"what was in your mind at that time? Did you think at that time to call the police? If so, what did you think to not call them? What where your thoughts on allowing them to remain and do nothing about the way they treated you?"


Honestly, I wasnt thinking anyhing much at all, I knew I had to get them out, but was lost as to how. Obviously I was terrified of these people and spent as little time at home as possible. I think they drugged me sometimes. I was numb to everything, They threatened me with "worse things". I did know I had to call the police, but they were always around the phone (I have 1) And because of the money they were taking I really had very little and it was my mom, and despite what she did , i felt I had to help her, regardledss. I actually tried to get rid of them sometimes but they forced their way back in. and with them controlling the phone.... now that i think about it i could have used a public phone. . I'm so f**ing stupid

Ok, so now you are answering some of the questions in which you fail to understand within you.... being how much blame is yours. This is the best way for people to understand, in that you ask them the right questions they often answer their own unanswered questions... being I am pushing you into an unconventional place to make you think for yourself, now showing you your own responses in a different way. You said:

• Obviously I was terrified of these people and spent as little time at home as possible.
• I think they drugged me sometimes.
• They threatened me with "worse things".
• I did know I had to call the police, but they were always around the phone (I have 1) And because of the money they were taking I really had very little and it was my mom...
• i felt I had to help her, regardledss.
• I actually tried to get rid of them sometimes but they forced their way back in.
• and with them controlling the phone.... now that i think about it i could have used a public phone. . I'm so f**ing stupid

So I reword this back at you:

1. So they made you feel terrified... (not in your control - intimidation and fear lower self esteem)
2. So possibly they drugged you so you where not in control of your mind or body...
3. They threatened you, meaning they instilled fear into you (terror as above #1)...
4. The phone one you own... which hindsight is a wonderful thing, though often not useful for us. Accept that you where terrified and likely not thinking accurately...
5. You felt a guilt towards your mother... not sure why, though suspect more to this one...
6. They forced their way into your house when you got them out... (not in your control)

So here are some points to help you assign their and your parts of blame into your mind. These are not excuses, these are feelings and realistic aspects of the traumatic event that based your actions and decisions.

If you had to write an accurate list of traumatic events, in a point form, could you do that and assign who owns the act? For example, from what you have written you could begin:

• I let them in to stay in my house (I own this act)
• They verbally abused me (They own what words they speak)
• They physically abused me (They own their actions, you own yours)
• They duck taped and tied me up (They own this act)
• They put a gun to my head and in my vagina (They own this act)
• They strangled me (They own the act)
• They raped me (They own the act as it was forced, not consensual)
• I should have called the police (I own this act for not using a public phone)
• etc etc etc....

Lets see how well you can after now reading the above post as an example of guilt / blame identification.

How are you doing cypher? I understand if you are much much worse today, that is the usual effect from dealing head on with traumatic aspects, and you are going to get worse doing this before getting better, but trust me that you are soon going to be having more good days than bad in only a few short months from what I am going to put you through, what your going to put yourself through even.... just hang in and don't give up here. Just be honest with me, with yourself, and you are going to do just fine...

This isn't going to be easy on you.... it never is. Wasn't on me either...

Hi, Thanks for the replies, they all help, thankyou. Anthony, thanks for your help! I'm doing alright.

• I let them stay- This was my voluntary act, I wanted to help my mom and hated seeing her this way.
• They became varbally abusive- this was their act and words, I did not like this. (one of the signs I ignored though, could have asked them to stop, but not sure what would have happened).
• THey started to physically abuse me- I hated this, painful and degrading along with the verbals- this was their act (another sign)
• They drugged me- I remember now the needle holes in my arms, and tied me up- their actions. Things are blurry though, why didnt I try to get away, was he to overpowering???
• The spider- their action ( I dont even know where they got it from) something was planned out though because my mom knew I am scared out of my mind of them
• The gun- I was helpless as to what to do, I couldnt think of anything, my mind was blown away as to what was heppening (no pun intended) put in mouth/vaginally and pulled trigger - their actions.
• Ripped off my toenails with vise grips- nothing I could do, their actions, extremmely painful!!!!!!!!
• Putting out cigaretts on my arm in the shape of swastikas one cig at a time (2 swastikas). their actions tied down i couldnt get away
• They strangled my- their action, nothing I could do as being tied down
• They raped me/urinated on me- forced and nothing i could do again- their actions, felt so helpless and worthless
• I should have used a public phone- my action, I really didnt even think about it until the other post, but my fault entirely.
• Rented them a hotel room for 1 week- my plan- they came back 2 weeks later and forced their way in
• Raped more, beat up more, verbals continued- my fault I should have fought them, but was thinking theyde kill me or damage me beyond what i could imagine. Again, the public phone my fault
• strangled and left for dead in the woods, but I had just passed out(they didnt know that, thought I was dead.) dumped in the woods
• Theres one thing I'm leaving out that i dont ever want to go back to (has to do with them looking up torture/ war crimes etc, cant bring myself to tell my T either.)

I'm numb to all of this at this point (eithr numb of angry beyond anything) and dont know how to react or respond. I see my T once a week and I thinks it's helping ( I hope) She hade me write what happened out and read it to her and Anthony, your right I felt like shit afterwards (and during)