cypher,
So glad to hear they were arrested. When someone is troubled that much there is nothing you can do to help them. Leave that to the experts. It sounds like they are in satanic rituals and you are very, very fortunate to be alive. I wish you the best in your healing efforts.
sunnydaze

Legal policy simply means you do this at your own risk, you do it at your own accord, the forum is not held liable period. As I stated earlier, if you do not understand it then you need to have someone interpret it to you personally, not here, face to face, so you do understand. As I outlined earlier, by continuing this you are aware of your responsibilities in this matter. By being here you already accepted the legal policy. If you do not, then your only option is to cease using this forum immediately.

THat is good advise! I found out a day or 2 (??) ago that they were both arrested. And I will NEVER open my door to them again, regardless of how much I would love to help my mom, or how much of a guilt trip they would put me through. NEVER!!! Thats one of the million other things I need to learn about.
THanks!!

You need to stick to what you just said though.... NEVER allow them back into your house, life, anything to do with you. Do not be threatened, when you have a chance to run for aid, do so. Get police involved because you cannot handle them yourself, nor should you. Experience has taught you lessons, which you must use to learn from. Yes, they are unfortunate and nobody should ever have to learn such lessons, but the honest facts are that there are some nasty people in this world. Pick and choose carefully and most of all... trust your instincts. I just cannot tell people that enough. Women are far superior in this that males, to trust their instincts.

If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, its not a swan; its a duck. Trust your instincts and take control of your life. You do not control others, but you do control you. You do not control what another may do to you, however; you do control what you can do to help yourself. Well done cypher...

cypher,
Please understand, you cannot help your mom. The help she needs is way to complicated for you. Leave it in the professionals hands. I always said anyone can be a father or mother but it takes a special person that treats you with dignity and honor and love and compassion to be a real parent. I have searched all my life for a replacement mom even while my mom was alive. It just didn't happen. I am a mom and grandmother so I quit looking and desiring and wanting someone to hold me and say I love you like a real mom does. I am 55, it won't happen.
You have got to realize what your mom did is not normal and she left you for dead. I know one still says "but it's my mom". I am sorry, I thought my mom was terrible and I didn't talk to her much because I couldn't get over how she could keep hurting me they way she did. I now realize she was sick. She didn't do nearly the terrible things your mom did. You must move on w/o a mom. It would take a miracle for her to change even if she went off the drugs and got help for her to be a real mom to you.
How old are you? Let the law handle her and please stay away, she will only hurt you emotionally putting you on a guilt trip and making you feel worse than you already do. You need to heal and that can only happen w/o her. Excuse me for saying this but I would put in my mind she has passed away so you can begin to heal.
This story has really touched me and a little part of me tried to say it is fictional. Nothing like this could have happened. I do realize in this crazy world it could. I will pray for you and your healing. Please listen to me and Anthony and the rest of this group. Anthony is a very wise man and does give excellant advise. I am afraid for you.
sunnydaze

Ya know, looking/thinking back on some of these things, I was a complete idiot, but at the same time she was my mom, I wanted to help her so bad, it hurt to see her passing out and throwing up all over the place, checking their pulses afterward to see if they were alive and cleaning up after them. I hated seeing her drugged up and drunk. But I knew my place was much safer/better then where they had been, the street, where drugs/sex/alcohol/danger amoung other things is abundent. They were safe staying with me (excluding the drugs and alcohol) which I provided needles for so they wouldnt pass any kind of disease. After a few weeks, I relized I was the one who was not safe, and I should have said something, you're right, I didnt have the confidence, or what to expect when i asked them. (would it get worse, would they leave, if it got worse, call police, tell someone) With providing those needles the first time, they came to expect it the next time, and grew physical when I did not bring them any.


I'm hoping to do this, I always seem to learn the hard way in life . I would love to think none of this was my fault, but it is. I would like to think at my age (and with all my wisdom and understanding of the world around me) I would have known much better, but it goes back to my mom and wanting to help. I really hated seeing her like that!! I think ive learned alot the past few months, not only about myself but about others too. I got a long way to go though.

Quote:

IMPORTANT: They both own their behaviour of drug use... you own nothing of their use. You own enabling their behaviour of taking drugs in your home by buying them needles, that is all you own. Accept that, not the drug use; unless you willingly took drugs yourself, not by force.

I have never done drugs before (willingly), I've drank alot lately (thats an understatement) I was drugged however unwillingly at times by them, coming too raped, beaten, bloody. I do own the use of some of the drugs used by them from the needles I got them (some they smoked, some inhaled some by mouth...) I see 2 (or 3) parts to this--

1- they shared needles, that scared me, i dont know if they did that on the street too, but if they were going to do a drug that required needles in my place, it was going to be with a clean, sterile needle for their saftey and protection.
2- I did not like them doing this in my place, I did not like seeing them doing this in my place, I was aginst this. I did approach them about it, but did not take up any kind of if..... then..... statement to them. I guess I was somewhat intimidated by them and did not take a good stand, looking back I should have had more confidence in myself or gotten help elsewhere. I called some drug help places in my area and tried to get them to go, but no cigar.
(3) I do recognize that it was me and the needles, that was all on me. I got them one package one time and then they expected it from me and when I failed to deliver, things got bad. So that made me get them more out of fear, again, I should have done something, gotten help.

This is good advice, I should make a list (kinda like what you showed me earlier) to distinguish.


You read people well Anthony, I do have a low self esteem. Maybe thats why at first they behaved ok, then got worse quickly??? because they learned my behavior over the weeks and saw someone who lacked confidence in myself, insecure, not valued. I dont know why, it's just always been like this.


I DID NOT ask to be tied down and have a huge spider put on me and crawl in (i cant go any further with that). I was terrified of them in the first place and for this to happen, I dont know what to do, how to act, or what to think, how to heal mentally from this. Even today at work there was a little one and i freaked out and thought one was on me, in my mouth. I didnt ask for cigarettes to be put out on the bottom of my feet, and on my arm in the shape of swastikas (2 of them). I didnt ask to be raped and strangled and left for dead in the woods (after them forcing their way back in after the hotel, and the major guilt trip, definetly should have done something) or anything else that happened. But had I mentioned this to someone, poilce, coworker, anyone, It may very well have been prevented.

It all goes back to my mom I believe. I love her regardless of what path shes chosen in life. I didnt want them back on the street, when I knew they would be safe and warm and fed at my place, away from the strains of street life. (which I know absolutely nothing about, i'm very fourtanate to have the things that i do, a great job, awesome people that i work with that are putting up with alot of the things that go along with ptsd, great family (adoptive), food to eat, a roof over my head, my health, (well, nothing too serious or life threatening. got away with a fractured larynx and other stuff when they were there, but overall good health for now, getting better every day, some setbacks but...) yeah, they definetly took advantage of me, and for the umpteenth time should have done something and I now have even less self esteem, less respect for myself, I started to believe the verbals they threw at me. I feel useless and hopeless, despite the things I have, I still feel this way, which is wrong in my opinion.

I am sticking to it, I really hope I never see them again. If I do, police will be involved, Im completely defensless aginst her boyfriend, hes overpowering. I have learned alot about myself, life in general, and I'll use it. My weaknesses and strengths showed up during that time (mostly weaknesses) but I have learned from them.


I need to relearn this, I really thought when I let them in they would be fine. And at first they were, but it eventually got worse and worse. Never in my wildest dreams would I expect what happened to happen. I need to work on this.

I have learned alot from this about myself and others, life in general. This is a strong statement, it has alot of meaning. I like it. I should tatoo it to my eyeballs so I can see it all the time. Deep quote there.

As much as I hate to admit it, youre right. I really wanted to help her and feel badly that I couldnt. Youre right it's up to the pros to help her (if they can)

.

If you dont mind me asking, (I dont know if it's out of bounds??) but why did you stop looking? I think theres someone out there for everyone, regardless of age, or type of relationship. I hope you dont give up looking! You never know what will happen or who you'll meet. I hope you find what you've been searching for for so long!!

No offence taken, but very interesting thought! deep.

Thanks, sometimes I dont even think it could have happened, but then look at all the scars and bam, it did. Yeah, I'm finding that this is a very supportive site!! I'm glad I found it. Anthony is very helpful, and yes, gives very good advise!! Everyone is great here!

cyper,
I too have learned the hard way all of my life. However, as long as you learned than something has been accomplished. Even if you take a step backwards think about it and move forwards again.
When I was searching for a (real mom), I went to some of my moms friends whom I seemed to admire when I was little. They downright out told me " I already raised my children". I didn't really push the mom issue just told them about my search. They were not kind to me. I have helped many older ones in the past just to be taken advantage of.

When my mom died, I had my own funeral service on my porch for 3 days. I played every sad song I could find. I played them over and over again till my husband and friends could not take it anymore. I lived on the porch got drunk and cried and cried. I had brought all the funeral flowers to my home and placed them on the porch. After 3 days my friends came over and removed them.

There is a 50's song that I loved the most called " I can never go home anymore". I had told my husband I didn't know if I was crying for the loss of my mother or the hope she would not be here to change and be a real mother to me. Than BINGO that was it, she would not be around for her to change.
There was another song by Garth Brooks called "The last dance" that I played over and over again. It was my first and only dance I had with my mom a few years before she died. We were at a bar and danced. My step-father was there and faked a heartattack because he was not getting the attention at that moment. The EMS came and he ran out the back door.

Than my mom decided to date my uncle that abused me. That was it, I didn't talk to her for a long time. I called her a few months before she died and was grateful so I didn't feel terrible when she died of not talking to her. I tried to help her out, she too was a drug addict and alcoholic. She didn't see she had a problem so I knew it wasn't up to me to try and fix her. She killed my dad and again I was there for her but it didn't matter. The more I tried the more emotional abuse she did to me. She tried to tell me never to go back to church because God would never forgive me for the things I did in my life. She went! Dah! She killed my father and thought God forgave her but would not me.

I now have a deeper belief in God and am happy that I can see for myself in the Bible how forgiving he really is, if we change our bad ways. Many people in the Bible did bad too but God forgave them. Those type of scriptures she left out when trying to prove her points.
sunnydaze

Hi Cypher,

Just wanted to put my 2 cents in..... What you have been through...NO human being should have gone through that. At the hands of your mother makes it all the more painful. I am so sorry that you had to suffer this.

I commend you for opening up with Anthony. I commend you for your brave effort to open up in an open forum and air all of your trauma. It took guts and courage to do this.

Straight through your trauma is the only way to get healthy. Take breaks when you need to, and take care of yourself. Do something nice for yourself. You deserve it.

You are one brave, courageous lady.