My heart goes out to you Unbroken. My husband of 5 years left me six months after I lost my hand. He had been there through the "incident", watched and experienced it from the sidelines, and it was still too rough for him. I admit it was very bad in those first few months. I had a bad case of why me's and no one understands. He probably needed to get out just to survive himself. And honestly, it gave me the kick in the butt I needed to realize how bad it had gotten.
I guess what I am struggling to say is, I know its rough, and the guilt must be overwhelming, but you have to take care of yourself first. It wouldnt be fair to either of you if you didnt.
I agree with Spiritofnow, it is awful how many casualties there are. How many lives and hearts are broken.
But of course no one deserves to be treated like that. And although I am not perfect, at least now I know when I do something like that, I know enough to recognize, stop and apologize. It doesnt sound like she is quite there yet. It took me a long time and a good therapist to see it for myself. I hope it is a begining of a turn for her, cause it is hard to be there.
I have a hard time getting my point across in these things. I guess, take care of yourself, stay strong, and be proud of how honest you have been able to be with yourself about it.

Thanks, all. I wasn't sure how she felt about it all but she emailed me and told me that she was still in love with me. So we both talked for a while this morning and she didn't want it to be over. I'll talk with her more tonight and see how it goes, it's difficult because she initially feels that our argument was all my doing, and she doesn't understand that her comments are sometimes hurtful.

Her SIL wanted to talk to me, she was very encouraging and told me the whole family was 'rooting' for me because I was the first "normal" guys she's dated in a long time. I didn't know it, but I guess they all talked about me being in her life and said they all noticed that she was finally happy after so many months of being angry. The last guy had beat her up and that send her into depression and anger.

Her SIL and I talked for a while and she told me a few more things about her that I didn't know, and the other side to many of the stories where I only heard one side. I had wondered what the family thought of me, given her past, and I was told they all hope I would become a part of the family. Although they know it's a tough situation they really feel like I'm the right guy for her, and want to help me in any way they can because they want her to be happy.

It all kind of blows me away, I had said to her SIL that I didn't want anyone to think that I was just the next guy with a one track mind, but she said they never felt that way about me. It's kind of sad, in a way, because they all sort of had a standing bet about how long I'd last. Her SIL said my girlfriend usually finds a lot of faults with the guys she's met, but that she hasn't told them anything negative about me and that's why they felt so strongly about me. I'm very flattered, and assured her that I don't place all the blame on my girlfriend, and know that I need to work on how I handle things too.

The good news is that I told my girlfriend that I had set up an appointment to see a relationship/PTSD therapist so I could learn now to handle this better, and my g/f said she would like to go with me because she needs all the help/advice she can get. That made me feel really good about things.

I wish it didn't come to this, but I guess it's a good thing if it helps her to realize that she also doesn't handle things the best way. At any rate, when we do talk things out she seems to go from "it's all your fault" to a shared responsibility, which means a lot to me.

thanks again for all the kind words...time will only tell. Yes, I do still love her, kind of hard to turn that off like a light switch...

Maybe you don't have to break up.
It is so good to see that she realizes that there is a problem and that she is willing to get help. That's a tremendous step forward for those of us with PTSD. We lash out at loved ones because we think that they don't understand, don't want to understand, and might hurt us more. We can be like tigers with injured paws. We don't know your motives for certain, so we are afraid and will therefore "Do unto you before you do unto us!"

If you two do go get therapy, I hope you don't leave the forum. You need support too! You need to talk with others who are carers, and get advice and have some (lots ) of people to talk with, bounce ideas off of, and comiserate with. You could also introduce your sweetie to this forum, and we would welcome her, if you felt comfortable with that.

Whatever you decide to do, you are always welcome here!

Thank you, I'm very confused about it all right now. Even though she seemed pretty angry with me she couldn't understand why I thought she wanted nothing to do with me. Her emails were very harsh and implied that she wanted nothing to do with me, saying "don't ever come over here again" among other things. But in the same email she said she still loved me for who I am.

Tonight we talked more, and she's making plans for us this weekend as if nothing has happened. When I asked her last night she called me "nosey" and that's where the argument started. This confuses the heck out of me. Tonight I asked her the same questions and she wasn't bothered in the least. Her SIL helped a lot, and told me they hope I can stick around because they want to see her happy. I'm flattered that they think of me that way, just have to make sure I don't let it all go to my head!

Bravo! Going to see a therapist together is a great idea. The best. When I started dating my current boyfriend, well a few months in, we both went to see my T together. It not only helped him understand better where I come from, it helped us learn how to communicate with each other. Without blame or confrontation. Best thing I ever did.
Huge thing that she agreed to go with you. Huge.
I really do wish you luck. And remember to keep being so straight with yourself. You will both be happier for it.

It is crazy-making, sometimes, Unbroken. PTSD is hard on all concerned, the sufferer and the carers who love them.

My DH has fallen into a pattern of threatening to leave me whenever he gets upset (whether with me or life in general). Then, a few hours later, or a day later, he will act as if nothing happened - he got the venom out of his system and he's "fine". I discussed this pattern with him when he was doing OK, and he acknowledged that what he really wants when he does that is for me to let him know that I want him and need him. It is an odd way of trying to get that, but there you go - PTSD is a difficult thing to deal with, for all of us.

There is also a desire to escape, at least with my DH - part of him would like to run far, run fast and escape the PTSD. But of course, it follows him everywhere, because it is inside him. There is no ability to run, the fight or flight response is raging in his body and his mind, but running isn't an option, and there's no one to fight now that he's safe. So, he threatens to run, and he rages, but he really wants me to tell him he is loved and needed and that he has worth.

It makes for some very confusing blow-ups, to be sure. There have been times where he's raging, comes to me for a hug and reassurance, and then starts raging again.

If you stay with her, you are going to have to learn to set boundaries. It will help your own mental health, and it might help to stabilize her, at least to a degree.

We probably could use a thread or set of threads on boundaries and how to define them. Boundaries seem hugely important in coping as a PTSD carer (from my experience anyway).

Best wishes,

Cowgirl

thank you all, yes it did have me in a complete funk yesterday and I felt like my head was going to explode from confusion. I, too, think it's great that she wanted to go with me to the therapist, it shows me that she truly does want to work together with me on better communication.

She did start to rehash the other night, and I kept asking her if we could both just learn from it and move on. I was getting frustrated because she kept asking me the same thing numerous times, and then went into why she dislikes her niece so much, and others in her life. After that we veered into better conversations and she was including me in her life again with regards to future plans.

I know I probably reacted a little harsh and too quickly, I guess I was at my breaking point and felt like I couldn't win for losing. I'm also learning to just apologize and let her feel a small victory over me because that is often follwed with her apology and acknowledgment that we both need to work on it, and not just me. I can handle losing the small arguments if it means that I have her in the end, because I now realize that it's not about me...it's about her need for validation and control over her own emotions.

That last boyfriend that beat her up seems to have done the most damage, it just tears me up when she tells me about it. She's tiny, he's over 6 feet tall.

No matter what the size, being beaten does a lot of damage. It is worse when it comes from someone who supposedly loves you

yes, very true. I apologize...I didn't mean to imply that it would have been better if he were shorter, just that she's so much smaller than he is it's like beating up a child. It's a little harder to fight back and defend yourself when you're outweighed by more than 100 pounds.

but yes, abuse of any kind is just wrong, regardless of stature. humble apologies.

Oh dear Unbroken. No need for the apologies, I was just stating the obvious as I could relate to what you were saying. One of my ex-boyfriends belted me in the face spliting above my eye open a week after I had come out of hospital from having back surgery.