Actually pissed off by entire session.

Scene One

Therapist: "Do you actually want to get better"

I feel that if she doesn't know the answer to that after two years then I have wasted my time.

Therapist: "I think you are scared of getting better"

WTF? To me this is some psychobabble.

Me: "I want to get better. It's possible I s'pose that subconsciously for some reason I don't want to get better, but I don't think so. I think I'm scared of talking about things but not scared of getting better"

Scene Two

Me: Explain at length about how for two years I've not done my job

Therapist (paraphrasing here as can't remember exactly what she said) "If that was true why would you still be there? How could no-one notice? Are you being too hard on yourself? You can't expect to be at the same level you once were. Concentrate on what you can do, not what you can't"

Me: I've gotten a way with it. I've covered my tracks. My manager is in another state. I'm a rep so everyone just assumes that when I'm out, I'm out doing my job. They don't think I'm home in bed. And I don't correct them.

Therapist: And what? You don't have to account for your whereabouts? Submit reports?

Me: Actually it's pretty lax and I've fudged where I've had too.

It was like she didn't believe me. Or that she thought I was being a perfectionist and exaggerating it. I so wish I was.

Scene Three

My therapist does this exercise nearly every week which I hate with a passion which involves me saying what I was pleased about this week.

Last week, she requested I purchase a new journal simply for recording what I notice that I'm pleased about during the week.

Therapist "Did you purchase a new journal"
Me "No - "
Therapist (roll of eyes) "Awakening..."
Me "No, I didn't purchase a new one because I happened to have a new one"
Therapist "And so where is it"
Me "I left it at work and haven't gone into work yet"
Therapist (barely audible) but mutters "Hmmm don't think you want to change your behaviours Awakening"

I hadn't gone into work yet, because I took a sleeping tablet that didn't work, then slept through my alarm and barely made it to my appointment with her.

And besides why do I have to write what I'm pleased about? I spend the rest of my week outside of therapy wearing a mask being positive and pleased, when I'm with her I want to talk about what I'm not pleased about. Then I have to rate it on a scale of one to ten. I'm mean really

Scene Four

I was not aware of my anger at this stage but I probably was angry.

I can't remember how this goes exactly because mind left the body during it.

Therapist "Are you going to tell your parents about your uncle"

Me "Yes"

Therapist "And what are you going to say"

Me "I'm going to say that I have a weird memory about him that I'm talking to you about"

Therapist "And are you going to tell them you suspected he abused you?"

Me "No, I'm not saying that"

Therapist "Why not"

Me "Because I'm not sure of it"

So then there is this back and forth of questions, I'm saying alot of "I don't knows" and she's saying "Yes, you do know". Start giving a bunch of reasons.

I'm feeling pressured and say something like "I'm scared if I tell them he (uncle) will hurt me"

More challenges, questions from therapist, it's going very quickly, I'm getting a bit pissed off.

I start saying how it hurts me to talk about it, I'm talking pretty quick.

Therapist "So he hurt you, how did you hurt you" etc etc

Somewhere amongst all these questions I say something awful like

Me "Actually it hurts me to remember that some parts of it I think I liked, and now that I know what it was we were doing I feel disgusted in myself and that's why I don't want to tell anyone"

Therapist "Well finally Awakening. Finally. That is the first honest real statement I've heard come out of your mouth" (not sure if she meant ever or just this session)

Me crying "no, no no"

Therapist "It's actually a very common statement for abuse victims to make, that they feel shame at liking some part of it"

Me "Stop, don't, I don't want you saying it"

Therapist "Saying what? That a part of it you liked?"

Me screaming "I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS"

Then I see black, mind leaves body. I haven't passed out, but have the freak out moment. Then I'm having to describe colour of the carpet, what's in the room, start breathing deeply etc.

In Summary

I'm angry that she asked me if I want to get better. I'm angry that she didn't listen to my work worries. I'm irritated beyond belief at the tedious task of doing what pleased me. I feel disgusted at what I said in scene four and I hate her for making me say it, yet if it's going to get me out of the depths of the despair I've been in and give me my will to live back, then hell I'll even do that if I must.

As disgusted and humiliated as I am to do so, I'm posting this here as opposed to my diary because I want feedback on this -

• I've been extremely depressed lately and I don't want to go to work anymore (or do anything basically) but I feel she completely missed that. I felt like she was saying that I'm keeping myself 'unwell' and that she has not acknowledged just how much I'm suffering, and have been for a long time. I feel she thinks I'm exaggerating it.
• Or has she deliberately attempted to piss me off in order to get me to 'confess' like I did in Scene Four?

Honestly, if this is not the right therapist for me after getting to the point of trust and connection, I don't think I've got the energy to look for another one.

Hi Awakening, First I want to say this based on some of the communications I've had with you. You need to take a long leave of absence if you can, so you have more time to work on yourself. This has to be done so find a way to do it.

When I was working I was so miserable and wanted to commit suicide 24/7 and told my doctor this feeling was related to working. Instead of him telling me to quit my job and work on myself, he told me to get electric shock therapy. I said "NO" and he quit giving me my meds and told me we have come to an impasse.

I left that doctor, got another one, then had a nervous breakdown. I quit my job, worked on myself more, and now I'm free of suicidal thoughts. A huge monkey of my back! I'm sure glad I didn't have that electric shock therapy because I healed myself of suicidal thoughts on MY OWN. Now if I went back to work full time I can almost bet they would creep back in because I'm not ready to work. I still have some things inside myself that need to be dealt with.

If only I would have quit my job when I told my doctor and everyone around me I couldn't handle it. I didn't listen to my internal instinct that was telling me I just couldn't handle it anymore. Just Quit!

As far as the molestation goes. I just admitted to myself I was molested even though I have no direct memory of who did it. I do believe it was my uncle and even if I find out the truth that it was in fact him there is no reason for me to confront him.

What benefit would that be for me? He would deny it and get angry. He won't apologize and tell me how sorry he is. I don't care because anything I say to him will not make a difference in how I handle myself today. I accepted it and I'm moving on. Maybe at some point I will remember more and I'm sure it will be disturbing, but I will work this out within myself and maybe ask my T for some help? Not sure? But from what I remember, which isn't a whole lot it's water under the bridge and it will not define who I am and neither will the rape that took place.

I still have flash backs, anxiety, and on rare occasions I have nightmares, but that is part of the process and I believe whole heartedly I will get healthy as long as I continue to work on this illness. If you believe this about yourself, and let go of that crap, you will get better too. But first, stop staying stuck in things you clearly can not handle right now. Take a long break and work on yourself only!

Take care
Tammy

Awakening,
When you are sexually abused, you sometimes disassociate and your body reacts to the stimulus. You can't help how your body reacts. It is natural for your vagina to get wet and it's close to impossible for you to stop your body's reaction to touch. And, yes, it may feel good. We should not feel guilt or shame for how our bodies react naturally, but we do. I am sure that you and I are not the only ones who can admit that some of it felt good. That fact does not make us bad people. We are human, and it's just a fact that there are certain places on our bodies that react to touch whether we want them to or not. Your body's reaction does not mean that you condoned the abuse or that you asked for it.

Awakening:

Seven years ago I went to a therapist and I HATED her. She probed and probed until I blurted out that I was raped. This was in group therapy; at that moment I wanted to crawl under my chair and die. I hated her for that; but now I am better. That was my first breakthrough. Up until that point I had never verbally admitted to the abuse I had been hiding for 20 years.

The healing process hurts. Once it is out you can start working on your emotions, then you can start getting better, but it will be painful for a while.

Best wishes
Cecilia

Awakening,

Although you feel that you may want a new therapist. The simple fact is...This one is doing their job. They are pushing you to be truthful with not only them but yourself. You have to face the unpleasant past in order to see a brighter future.

You can continue to lie to yourself and your therapist and stay where you are in recovery, or you can be honest and open and move forward. It's just a matter of what you really want.

I think she was correct when she asked if you wanted to get healthy.

When I first started therapy to ACTUALLY heal. ( I had been in therapy for years doing NOTHING) The first thing my therapist said to me was this, "A good therapist will walk you through the process. A GREAT therapist will know when you are lying and push you till you tell the truth." Don was a great therapist, I pulled NO SHIT with him ever. I was truthful, upfront and honest, no matter how painful it was.

I personally think that you have a great T. IMHO... I think you should stick with her.

Sometimes therapy, and getting better, is akin to walking through fire. I would encourage you to consider sticking with it.

I think you should share your concerns with your T. Tell her what she said made you upset. Validate what you're feeling be being fully open with her.

But, at the same time, I think you need to decide what you really want to get out of therapy. If you want someone to just vent to or "shoot the shit" with, then that's okay, but just understand that it won't really do much for the PTSD. If your goal is to deal with underlying trauma, then it seems like this T is a good match (at least for now).

Sorry, but I agree with your therapist.... everything apart from the work stuff.... in that I don't know the full story nor really want to at this point as its not important to me.

You answered your own questions though.... you have been in therapy for two years and obviously your not doing as well as you think you are, in that your therapist can see your not opening up totally and not telling them the entire truth.

You admitted that you don't want to tell your parents the truth, even to be discovered whether true or false... you are stopping your own healing progress.... again, I agree with your therapist. There should be more off them who challenge their clients, not just agree with them and take their money. Well done therapist.... now your agitated and thinking about just how much you are holding back from them, from the world, from your own healing.

Walking through fire is a good thing. It's painfull, but by no means long lasting. Wait till tomorrow, see how you are feeling, and let us know.

I can recall when my T. asked me if I really wanted to get better. I got so pissed at him. But he finally walked me through the process. So it sounds like something they
all do.