I have also been asked if I want to get better or am I there to just talk about fluff. It may sound like an insulting question, but it's a fair one. I was doing the equivalent of just sticking my toe in the ice cold water and talking about how I should dive in, but I had not done any more than the toe, because I knew that getting all wet would be shocking, painful, and it would take me a long time to get comfortable again, and who in the hell wants to dive into ice water? But therapy is like the ice water. If I really wanted to swim,(survive and better my life) I had to get wet, and while it would be Very Uncomfortable at first, if I kept moving around (working through the pain) it would become easier to tolerate after a while. Even if you are not the kind of person who dives in, get in to your ankles (be truthful about one single aspect of the trauma) with your T and keep breathing. Soon, your feet will be acclamated, and you can walk into the water up to your knees, and so forth. Keep moving forward with your T, talk about one small truthful portion of the trauma. Keep it in small portions so you don't get overwhelmed.
Therapy can be painful, and it's normal to want to avoid pain. But those of us who have been where you are now can tell you that you have to open up, tell the truth, write it down, talk about it, think about it, and cry about it to get the pain out of you. It's hard to do, honey. It's hard. But you have the strength to do it!

Your T was just giving you a boot in the butt. I believe she was pushing you into the next steps. Sometimes we need to be dragged kicking and screaming to face our truths and misconceptions.

The challenge of "do you want to get better" is really a way to prepare you for the tough parts. It's a precurser to a radical move or shift.

Your anger is probably partly caused by fear, frustration, and guilt. Be angry, express it, do some free writing or journalling. Let it pour out, you will be amazed at the pieces that fall out when you are agitated. Some things you are totally unaware of.

It's a good step even though it feels like sh##.

Cindy

Well initially I couldn't believe the responses I was getting here, felt slighted, pissed off and like whose side are you all on anyway.

But I'm over that now and thanks for all your posts.

However. Still suffering from the session. I don't feel up to typing much about it at this stage but I might later.

Good news. Saw a wonderful GP for the first time. Totally got it. Honestly, I was at the point where if she hadn't got it, or just thrown an AD prescription at me, I don't know what I would of done. All I can say is that I did not see beyond that appointment. (Interesting fact for those in Australia, there are some GP's that can do additional training in mental health which this one did and what a difference it makes. Found them on the beyond blue website).

I'm seeing the GP again in 3 weeks, and she has referred me to a psychiatrist to see if I have depression, anxiety or PTSD or something else entirely. This is something I've avoided doing for over 2 years.

As my GP said sounds like the pain has finally gotten too much for you, and you are actually ready to get to the bottom of it. So my long period of defenses and denial is not that unusual apparently.

So Awakening might actually be ready for an awakening after all.. fingers crossed.

Awakening,

I wasn't going to respond to this, but changed my mind. Being a woman I can do that!

I really take offense to your statement......Well initially I couldn't believe the responses I was getting here, felt slighted, pissed off and like whose side are you all on anyway.

But I'm over that now and thanks for all your posts.

This isn't about taking sides.......You asked for feedback, did you not???? Then because you didn't like what we had to say, you got upset. Seems to me that if all of us and your therapist pretty much said the same thing then it would seem to me that it might be true, and you just didn't like hearing that. The truth can sometims be very painful, but once open to it, it can be very healing.

I really do hope that you can get past whatever it is that is stopping you from being open and honest with yourself. You will much improve when you finally do.

I can understand Awakening's feelings of us taking sides because it's not what she wanted to hear. It's not easy to have the people around you, whose opinions you ask for and want to hear, that you need to face your trauma fears straight on. We are all telling her to do something very painful, which she does not want to do, and possibly she was looking for us to take a more gentle approach. Instead, we all told her to do the most difficult thing--be truthful about the traumas to yourself and the therapist.
I have felt the same way as Awakening did before she changed her mind. I felt like the whole world was against me. Yes, she asked us for our opinions, but didn't like what she heard.
It is sometimes hard to accept advice telling you to do something painful. She resisted that advice.
Now after some time to think about it, she has changed her mind.
PTSD is a difficult illness, but I am sure glad that Awakening is not giving up.

Awakening

THis post touched a few raw nerves for me. I have been in the same position recently with my T, funnily enough... though he wasn't as brutal...

Not easy stuff what she put you through. I think some of it was worthwhile though... she pushed you pretty hard and it hurt you a lot, but you said some stuff I bet you've spent a long time trying to keep out of your head...

One thing is for sure... rightly or wrongly you feel her attitude towards you hurt you, and you need to bring it up with her in order to get past it. Else where do you and her go from there? Ask her, and she'll have to explain why she was so hard on you...I think you need to hear it from her, what her intentions were...

I think I need to clarify my post.

I was pissed off by your posts initially. That is the truth of how I felt. I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to hear.. well I'm not sure exactly but something softer. I wanted to stay in my denial, stay in the cocoon. Actually if I'm being really honest I probably wanted sympathy.

I'm admitting to all that, this is part of me being honest - actually telling everyone my feelings. I could of posted Wow, thanks guys leaving out that I cracked it initially reading the posts. I wanted to be truthful to myself and others on here.

Then I realised you were on my side, you were supporting and each post was exactly what I needed to hear, perhaps not what I wanted to hear, but certainly what I needed to hear.

So despite my initial (defensive) reaction, after some time, and thinking about it, and suffering some more, and speaking to the GP, I realised the truth of what was written in the responses here. I'm grateful for the posts - you were all RIGHT and I was WRONG.

I would much rather an upfront and direct approach every time as opposed to pussy footing. Give it to me straight between the eyes, I might not like it immediately but long term I know what's good for me.

I got over my hissy fit in other words. I was asking for feedback, I got it and I didn't like it so got angry.

I'm totally agreeing with you Wendy.

Thank you 2quilt & Lisa, you get it. I felt like the whole world was against me and I needed to get over that attitude, and I have. I've also feed myself B.S. like no one will understand me, or no one gets it (which translates to no point trying because no one will get it, saves me having to do the hard yards)

I have to be truthful with my therapist and that means talk about the trauma. I've heard it a hundred times yet finally it's clicked for me. For two years I've been trying to avoid it or find another way around it. I've tried to resist this advice of talking directly, going through to the trauma for so long and I can't do it anymore because quite frankly I've become too ill. The pain has finally gotten too much.

I will also be honest about my feelings to my therapist. Just like on here I'm going to tell her that her question of 'do you want to get better' infuriated me. Normally I wouldn't. I'd sit on my anger silently seething until it had passed. Then I'd skip into session with the mask of I am Fine firmly fitted in place. Now I see the wisdom of her asking me that question. It was the right thing for her to do.

I've got heaps more to say, alot spinning around, but I'll leave it there for now. Basically there is a lot going on for me right now - in a nutshell I feel like I'm having a breakdown and a breakthrough at the same time.

A breakdown and a breakthrough all at once.....that makes so much sense and i can totally relate.

You hit on the head what this forum is about... not agreeing with one another, but giving it honestly... not providing sympathy. If people agreed with you, they are sympathising with you... that is how I see it. An awakening... I agree. You need to be told the truth about healing, and its not as pretty as you may think. It is a fear in itself, one you must be ready to face and move through to continue onwards, not backwards or round and round in circles.

Well done on your awakening.... awakening.

I spoke to my Mum.

I told her that I'm not just dealing with depression or anxiety with my psychologist. That I've been to a GP. That I'm going to a psychiartist.

I told them about what really happened at 18. That it wasn't just sexual harassment, but it turned into an assault. She was relieved as she knew it was more but I would not discuss it at the time. She's glad I'm finally talking about it.

Finally, I told her about my uncle. I did not go into detail but I told her.

She was not surprised. She said he may have been capable of something like that due to his alcoholism.

I can't believe it. But I did it.