Okay, today is my second therapy appointment. I look forward to seeing my counsler. I feel thats a good thing however i dont like not knowing whats going to happen. (that goes for anything) last week i was running late so i called ahead, they wanted me to reschedule and i lost it and went into a crying fit of panic. I felt like im finally doing the right thing and getting help but it seemed like its never going to happen. How can I stop my "all or nothing" thinking??? I've been doing it all my life. I feel like there IS no in between with any situation.
Is it okay to not like yourself? I hate not getting along with me. If i know a situation isn't as bad as i make it out to be i still go with my emotions. and since I have been healing i notice more things im doing or ways i react that are not how i should be doing. However I cant seem to catch it to correct it. I hate not knowing! not knowing how i feel or why i feel and not knowing the outcome of a situation. It makes me feel so stupid. but i know im not. what is up with that??? When you know the sky is blue but you feel like its white so you think it's white. I hope i'm making some kind of sense...... How do I start reprograming my tornado like mind?? I try to catch things and turn them around but sometimes or most of the time i miss it because it's all i know.
I'm also scared. my counsler wants me to go back to the past 3 years when i started stripping and selling cocaine and doing it and all the things i did were very self desructive. I dont like them but i have learned from it. i also wonder why i did them or chose it. i feel like it really wasn't me. I can't even fathom doing heavy drugs or exposing myself in front of a group of horny men!!!! WHAT"S GOING ON HERE??? Dude, Where's my mind???????????????

Actually, the things you write here, even that you don't know why things are the way they are, show that you have some insight into yourself. I think that's a positive thing, and counseling will probably help you uncover the reasons behind those things.

Hi Lacey, have some patience. It takes time to turn certain learned behaviors around. It won't happen overnight.

Abuse, if not dealt with, will lead to all types of destructive behaviors. It's very common for woman to become strippers and prostitutes after being violated because they have learned to dissociate the mind from the body.

Once one gets used to the money from dancing or selling drugs it's hard to go back to being poor. It's not easy and feels like a set back, when in reality, it is actually a move in the right direction. When you remove these bad influences you will start to think clearly.

Ridding oneself of these behaviors will benefit your psyche in many ways because you have more room to add positive things in your life. If you don't have men constantly grabbing at you and saying derogatory things, you will learn boundaries and realize that this type of behavior was self destructive. It keeps the abuse going and the self hate alive.

Everyone has done something that has been risky and then in after thought wonders why? Who knows for sure why we do risky things when it's against our better judgment. Maybe we feel the need to test the waters, or look for something to take our mind off of our problems. The reasons can be endless. The thing is you realize it was not a good idea and your taking steps in the right direction.

Just hang in there and you will start to see positive changes.
Tammy

Tahnks mick and tammy... I really feel like taking all that out WAS a good thing I don't want to go back!!! what i am dealing with now is my restless, depresive, angry, bad in genreal feelings... It seems like I know i'm not a bad mother, housekeeper, and significant other but i feel like i am and i tend to let my fellings override what i know. I cant take critisim eithier, that just makes it worse! I cant seem to make it make sense. And what's scareing me is im starting to cut myself i havent told anyone except my best friend because she too has been through this. It really does help take my mind off the emonional pain, when something upsets me i will cut, not enough to really bleed but just leave a mark ive been doing this for about the past 4 or 5 days i'm trying not to give in but i dont know what to do to stop. It really scares me I dont want to die i just dont want to feel........ My arms look like a cat attacked me. no one has said anything i think they know but dont want to cause me to flip out. HELP!!!!!!!!!!