Poem title-This Was My World.

A friend of mine was showing me a music video today. It was showing a commando hero fighting with rifles and knives.

I made my friend turn it off.

It was upseting me and oddly confusing me so much-I was hyperventillating.

"It's just a video, a cartoon" he said.

Not to me.

To me, it was a memory-a frightening symbol.

Of a man who was my best friend in the world-

well I thought he was.

I was 8.

Why does that bother me so much?

I was 8 - lacking adult comprehension-and unknowingly defenseless to 25 year old men. chills.

Did he know it? Did he know I admired him? Did he know he was my favorite masculine role model in the world?

Did he know I loved him? I try not to feel foolish and naive when I remember that. I loved him. Hot Damn it all.

I was young and felt low and small and that people didn't care about me.

I thought that he was the one to follow. I thought he could show me how me how to be a complete man and live a happy life with that.

One fateful day, he got angry at life.

One fateful day I was his easy prey.

Does it make you feel good---Big man-to knock out little kids? Did you do this to 20 more kids....who were just like me?

That wouldn't surprise me.

In a story-Batman and Robin have just won a battle against evil.

Robin walks over smiling to Batman and says: "Hey, Good Job! We won!"

Batman whips around with a pipe in his hand angrily viciously beating Robin unconscious, snarling and walks away from his newly made victim.

This didn't happen in the comic books----but it happened in real life.


Who can say? how many thousands of times?.............

Somewhere, I hear a Devil's voice echoing, laughing away in a hallway-as I try to piece together my life.

Sometimes I feel like hospitalizing myself and giving up on being with people, face to face, all together. giving up on normal life.

I'd give up and go home, If I had a group of friends that I can meet outside the internet that I could trust-and trust them to be my home.

Does someone smaller or weaker than me think that I'm a hero?.......

Oh sh___.

What do I do?

May Goodness preserve us?...................

Dear L-rd.

For all that I hold dear, Please protect me from striking out physically in anger. From hurting the innocent.

Dear L-rd, I scream and beg you, Please?......Please protect me from the stranger I knew from long ago-

who lives on in my thoughts.

Please, In my adult life.........spare us.

Please don't let me turn into Him.

We would be better off if you were dead!
No, I didn't say that.
Can't you see?
That it is you that is crazy,
Not me

Do you remember how to smile, I don't.
I want to know how to make that happen,
the corners pushed up high,
as if the sun could shine through
to the terrible sadness in the soul

But it won't work,
I tried the tape,
it only caused more pain,
someday please show someone the trick,
to help them make it through.

It happens once or twice in life
That people come along
And bring a touch of happiness,
That never does stay long,

I've tried to hold tight,
Thinking I could some how save it,
from the pain and hurt where I hide it
It stays for awhile and then is overcome
It is as if it was just a crumb,

Crumbs are temporairy, this I know,
I have a bag full of dust to show,
You can't pick them up to hold on to
But they fall from your hands and disappear.

Then you are left looking for crumbs,
Knowing that they never last,
Hoping that time will pass faster and faster
So that the time to look will end.

For thirteen years

I've trusted you more than anyone,
Still do, but know that somethings take
to much time, for even someone who cares,

I always gave way to much,
hoping that it would somehow make up,
for all the pain I felt inside,

I had glimpses of what like could hold,
If my path had been different,
but reality is so very cold,

I know now that it will always be,
the struggle I avoided,
For some pain hits the soul to deep

More than any could recover,
But in life I did do this,
I gave some joy to others,

So understand the pain,
Had some purpose in lifes plan,
Maybe not what I had wanted,

We all must do, what we have to do,

Survival of one kind or other,
For in the end we all must go,
No matter what the struggle.

I wish that I could be,
Buried beneath the Willow Tree,
A nicer place, I could not find,
To lay my head upon the ground,
My sadness buried deep below,
Where no human will ever find,
A trace of me to tread upon.

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] There is no help or hope or glee,[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]For someone who has ptsd[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]It is a lifelong battle they say,[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]I say no - It ends today.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]I couldn't end so , other things,[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]But control o'er this I can bring.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]Some may be stong and do survive,[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]But I will die, before daylight.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]And care not wher my soul will go,[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]for they killed it long ago.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT]

There is no help or hope or glee
For someone who has ptsd
t is a lifelong battle they say
I say no - it ends today
I couldn't end so, other things
But control o'er this I can bring
Some may be strong and do survive,
But I will die before daylight
And care not where my soul will go
for they killed it long ago

What was it that I did
That made you hate me so
I only tried to be what you wanted me to be
I always tried to be that perfect little girl.

I wanted so much to see a smile on your face,
To know that it was no trick,
That you truly believed in me
and would never hit me with a belt.

It seemed the harder I tried the more trouble I got in,
And so in time I gave up but still ran
from the painful stuff.
What was it about me?

I often wonder if you see,
the real damage done to me,
or if you even care at all,
cause of you I have made this fall.

I once was a happy little girl,
with sun dresses and pigtails to twirl,
and then you got a hold of me,
since that day i'll never be free.

you had your ways, you horrible creep,
and know I relieve them even in my sleep,
you beat and touched things that you shouldn't
not from you your family, you wouldn't.

so know I know that I cant trust,
my feelings lay here covered in rust,
another person they'll never be,
that I can let my guard down and be me.

You don't care if I try suicide,
you laugh in fact stating nice try,
you dont care that the only way I live,
is through lots and lots of drugs they give.

so go ahead throw your head back and grin,
Cause you know your very name makes my head spin,
I give up you win this round,
some day your sins and actions will be found.