Hi everyone.

I have Complex PTSD, somatization seizures and severe short term memory loss. In many ways I remain very high functioning. My caregivers find it very difficult to deal with my combination of severe disabilities and high functioning level. Nothing they offer helps. I don't look for help from them anymore. I show up for my appointments because I still have TONS of paperwork that needs to be pushed for me to gain access to the resources I need. So I sit and listen to their bull, twist it around and toy with them, and make them laugh or piss them off.

I hear "I don't understand you" a lot. I don't worry about that too much anymore after reading "The Ugly Duckling". That story is a hoot. Here is my favorite excerpt.

“You don’t understand me,” said the duckling.
“We don’t understand you? Who can understand you, I wonder? Do you consider yourself more clever than the cat, or the old woman? I will say nothing of myself. Don’t imagine such nonsense, child, and thank your good fortune that you have been received here. Are you not in a warm room, and in society from which you may learn something. But you are a chatterer, and your company is not very agreeable. Believe me, I speak only for your own good. I may tell you unpleasant truths, but that is a proof of my friendship. I advise you, therefore, to lay eggs, and learn to purr as quickly as possible.”
“I believe I must go out into the world again,” said the duckling.
“Yes, do,” said the hen.

There is no better comeback to "I don't understand you" than "You sound like the hen in 'The Ugly Ducking'. You should read it some time."

Mostly I'm trying to self treat myself. The things that have been the most helpful recently are learning art, studying humor, and studying negotiating skills.

I have found that after a lifetime of only living in situations of domestic abuse I do not have the ability to properly negotiate for myself or even the understanding that I deserve the essentials of life. Instead of trying to self hypnotize myself, I'm finding that learning to play with the big boys, using their own tactics against them, is a far better way to learn to regulate my emotions.

Studying humor has been amazing. Just seeing the humor in a situation as it is unfolding, sends out powerful antidotes to anxiety. I can actually feel the seizing of my muscles lessen when I realize that my current abuser is a bumbling authority figure, and he is writing me a story I can entertain others with later. The worse he acts the funnier the story is. And then if I don't have too much to lose, it's even more entertaining to point out to my abuser that I am writing a story in my head with him as the main character, and that bumbling authority figures are a joke formula.

I doodle constantly. I like to use graph paper composition books. I like to draw celtic knots and spirals, islamic designs, mandalas, optical illusions, distorted simple line figures in ballet and yoga poses, and whatever strikes my fancy at the time. I have no basic talent, but I find the more I study art, the more I can create interesting drawings.

I'm glad to meet you all and looking forward to chatting.