Hello,

I just don't know how to trust or let people get really close to me. I know a lot of people and am around them often but still feel isolated. Last night I declined an invitation to a party at a friend's. He is someone I actually feel pretty trusting toward. I stayed home and read a book and cried.

I long to be able to be vulnerable with my *close* friends but I keep most everything inside instead. Sometimes letting my vulnerabilities out does not result in support from my friends. I am part of three online support groups (one for sexual abuse, one for having been with a person with a personality disorder, and this one).

Sometimes when I am feeling really bad I post in order to get support, but even in these support groups, it doesn't always come, which of course makes me feel worse. Sometimes I seem to get one sympathy response because no one else is responding.

This sounds whiny, this post, and like "I, I, I."

Anyone...?

Hi Numenal,
I think you need to make friends with yourself first and then you won't feel as lonely. Self acceptance is key in feeling better, and leads to one opening up more.

There was a thread here not to long ago on sympathy seekers. I would stay away from that word, and use "moral support" instead. LOL

Actually, maybe you could find that thread, and read about it. Also, there are self help books on self acceptance. That is a start, and with hard work you will achieve your goal.

Take care
Tammy

I understand what you are talking about. My bosses and coworker at a really cool nursery I'm working at part time have decided to 'adopt' me. They have taken me out to dinners, set me up with a 'therapist' male friend (didn't work out, he blamed me in an e-mail for my 'baggage.'), and the other day Chris grabbed me and hugged me and told me they wanted me around. They know a lot of my story, attempts etc.

The only thing I want to do right now is run away, find another job,move to another state, etc. I'm terrified of letting them any closer. Love and friendship feel dangerous to people like us. Part of healing is to gently and slowly overcome this reaction. Boy, it's tough though, I'm so used to not getting my emotional needs met or getting more secondary wounding, that my immediate reaction is to hide and run. I'm working on this..........trying to decide if I should stay there. I have a job interview in my field as a Bioloist in California next week. REally tossed up, I want to stay because of them and the heartfelt connections I"m building, but want to run like hell.
Something for therapy, it's so hard to trust.

BTW............for all who have read my diary. I'm getting surgery next week for the tumor. Still ambivalent about sticking around this planet..........but I'm giving it another shot.

T-light, the best of luck with your surgery. Yes, closeness often feels dangerous. I don't want it to, anymore.

S-Nirvana. Actually, I am friends with myself. I appreciate and am gentle with myself, I enjoy my own company. I just don't enjoy feeling perpetually isolated from others. Sometimes there is a feeling close to trust and closeness with friends, not often.

Thank you for the replies.

What I meant about the sympathy reply is that, sometimes when I come here looking for support and there is none forthcoming, one person will post a reply seemingly out of sympathy.

I too, understand what you are talking about. Sometimes I feel isolated because my friends and family cannot relate. I feel like a burden, because everyone else lives seemingly perfect lives and I'm the nut job who has meltdowns. I too find it difficult to talk about my past and my feelings, mostly because vulnerability is an uncomfortable contradiction of the wall that is always up. Although I wish they understood me, I am certainly glad, they don't know PTSD like I do.
Sometimes I cry out of frustration with myself. I cry because my family assumes my PTSD is a phase, that I will be normal again soon. I cry because my efforts seem pointless. I cry because I miss having normal relationships. What I'm saying is, it's ok to cry. It's ok to do things at your pace, we all have to. And if it means missing a party or ruining plans, so be it. Don't beat yourself up about it.