Hi Folks.

Just to let you know a little about my situation. I am a retired over-the-road trucker of over 23 years. Eight years ago, while on a layover, I was in a housefire. I was burnt over 43% of my body, mostly 3rd degree burns. The burn sites and grafts still hurt to this day, mainly as a consequence of the nerve damage suffered by the leg.

Maybe this is bad enough of a trauma in and of itself, but the best is yet to come.

For almost two years I was all but bed-ridden. My ex-wife pretty much tortured me during this time, mentally so, and some physical. Many times in front of my two daughters.

Of course she was cheating on me and had been for years, but in June of 2004, she left and kidnapped my two girls as well. She dumped them on her childless sister I found out later, and I could not find them until I went to court to answer the divorce. The Judge was highly agitated with her, and ordered the children to come see me. They never left. Both refused to go back with their mother.

During this time, I met a wonderful woman that i am still with today. For how long, I do not know. She is the one having to live with me and my blackouts.

Last year, I had to call the Police on her brother when evidence was discovered that he was having a sexual relationship with my 16 yr. old daughter. He is 32. My oldest daughter (17 now) has now gone to live with her mother.

Needless to say, this has caused terrible emotional stress on both of us. As for myself, I have had blackouts where I accuse my partner of past crimes perpetrated by my ex-wife. I have no memory of these periods, but they are wrecking our life together. Evidently I also suffer from DID. It isn't all my fault, I know, for she has hid herself behind the pages of a bible, and has become obsessive about it, which leaves me feeling alone and desolate. I am a deist, by the way.

I drink alcohol about once a month when the pain and the stress becomes too much for me. I know, self-medication doesn't work, but when you are disabled, it's very hard to afford anything else. I tried seeing a psychologist, but she was no help at all. I am trying a different one in June.


I do not sleep without help, or just stay up for days until I pass out. Nightmares are a constant and triggers just seem to keep on coming constantly. I hold it together pretty well for my youngest daughter's sake during the day, but sometimes become physically and many times psychologically incapacitated.

I don't know where to turn, or what to do. I am on a constant roller-coaster ride and I can't get off of it. I am to the point of telling my significant other to just leave and go on with her life, and leave me behind, for I love her that much. Unfortunately, I am deeply in love with her, so I guess I am selfish.

I reckon I am now rambling, so I will stop here, but any advice from anyone in a similar situation would be greatly appreciated.

Hey Freedomrox.....what a rough time. I hear you when you say you have had a hard time finding a counsellor. I have been through several and finally the one I am with now diagnosed PTSD. I hope the one you're seeing in June is someone who you click with. Have you thought of suggesting a support group or forum or counsellor to your girlfriend, instead of suggesting she leave?
Rivergirl

So sad your story. I hope you keepwriting to get some more of your issues out. Writing is the best therapy and of course finding the right therapist to aid you in the process of your recovery. I wish you well.
sunnydaze

Freedomrox,

Welcome! I do not see a sad story here. I see a man who has overcome challenges many would crumble under. What you went thru and the fact you are here seeking support to better yourself speaks volumes about your character and strength. Use that strength to start your recovery, make yourself a better partner to the woman who obviously loves you, sees your qualities, and wants to be with you. The fact you are willing to let her go breaks my heart. Remember, you deserve love too.
Best Wishes,
Lily

Hi Freedom and welcome to the forum. I hope you can find help here and educate yourself on your illness.

It is a good idea to find a good therapist to work with.

Hang in there!
Tammy

Hi, Folks.

I have been away for a bit and just now read your responses. I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment. Tears are not easy for me, but the responses so far have caused a flood of emotions. Thank you.

Especially you, Lily. I like the Fighting part too.

I've never quite seen myself in the light that you do, but your graciousness is stunning.

As for right now, I am on one of my highs, (no, not drug induced), and life is great. It's hard to enjoy because of the inevitable low will come soon after, but attempting to enjoy it while I can.

Rivergirl, that has been one of the hardest parts, finding a T who is not a total jerk. The one I saw this morning was a man, and I can tell we aren't going to go anywhere. I can't open up to a male with the attitude of "Buck up and don't whine." Unfortunately, this T is one of them. I have requested another T, hopefully female. I don't know why it is, but I feel more comfortable speaking to the fairer sex.

I'm not some wimp, but I do have feelings, and suppressing them is partly what got me into this shape in the first place.

sunnydaze, I will keep writing when I can as ya'lls feedback has made me feel accepted. I realize I don't really know any of you, just the things you have written on this forum, but I am starting to feel that I have made the right choice in joining in here.

You quite rightly may surmise that I have already asked my fiancee' to join the carers group here, but she doesn't seem too interested. She has a whole family network for support and has her own Therapist, while my best friend, (nearly brother), passed away in 2003. I really miss him too, because we could talk about anything. I credit him with keeping me closely resembling one with a modicum of sanity during the darkest time of my life when I was bed-ridden. Unfortunately he had an enlarged heart and needed a transplant, but a Saudi Princes son needed it more, I guess, because they gave the heart to him, although Mike was next in line. I guess you can tell I am a little bitter about the whole sordid affair.


Again, thanks to all of you who responded, for you have all made me feel that, if nothing else, I am not alone.