I'm having intense feelings today about needing to run away. Leave my marriage, my job and just disappear like Alice into the rabbit hole. I need so much to be alone. Nobody seems to understand what I live through every moment. My wife commanded yesterday: "Stop looking so flat!" To me that was like saying 'stop bleeding.' I'm not attention seeking. I guess, I just needed to write something somewhere. I know it's hard for my wife, because I'm there, but somewhere else--I can't help dissociating and it is making my marriage and work impossible. Being around people and my wife is becoming increasingly too much for me. I am really quite afraid of this. My wife also said stop dwelling on things. But I can't stop it.

cec

The dwelling part I know all to well. It's a never ending thing within my mind. Doing things will help. I know, it's so hard to get motivated. But try.

Are you in therapy?? Do you take meds??? Group therapy??? It helps it really does.

Cec,

When things get ugly for me in life, the urge to run away from it all comes on me very strongly. I feel like if I could just run away from everything I'd run away from the pain inside me, too.

But, as the old saying goes, where ever you go...there you are. I'm not trying to be flip here. We cannot run away from ourselves. The pain, the emotions, the feelings, the past...it all comes with us. The only way to learn to live with it is to tackle the traumas head on and deal with them. Then learn to live a life that includes dealing with symptoms. They can be dealt with and managed, but they never go completely away. It's two sides of the same coin.

I would recommend that you talk to your wife about how your feeling. Maybe preface it 'I'm not going to run away, but I feel like it when life gets to be too much for me'. I had told my husband that I wanted to run without the preface and it really freaked him out. He thought I was going away. Explain to her that this isn't something that's a choice for you what you're going through. Write it if you feel you can't talk about it right now. Communication with your partner is so important with PTSD in the picture. I have a strong marriage and it stretched us thin a few times. It was when I started talking to my husband about what was going on in my head that it got better. He'll be the first one to tell you that he doesn't always undertand the 'why's' of the workings of my brain. But he does listen and comfort and support. It's important for your partner to feel like they're still part of your life even if they can't understand part of it anymore.

I agree with She Cat about therapy (group or individual) being a big help. Writing a journal here has been a great help for me. Being able to write whatever I need to write, whenever I need to is a tool I've used many, many times. Getting it out of your head and down on paper (cyber or real) is a great start.

Keep talking to folks here. This helps a lot, too.

Lisa

I know that feeling, and then it hurts even more when I realize it and I hear my husband tell me to stop pushing him away. It did take him awhile to realize that with PTSD you can't just "get over it" like you can with other problems. But with time and effort, he understands now and if you take or are taking the above advice I'm sure you and your wife could find a better understanding as well.

Thank so much for this!

Thanks She cat Yes, I'm in therapy, and my psychiatrist wants me to take an SSRI, but I have refused because I'm afraid of the side-effects--especially gaining weight. I want so much to be in a group for if this forum is any reflection of what group work is like, then it would be so nice. You guys are so supportive and understand what I'm going through. But, my psychiatrist nor I could find one that includes males. Thanks She cat, work helps as far as an activity goes but it's also triggers me a lot. I think the key is doing activity alone in my off-time. What I do do is sit alone hours on end doing little but focusing on my internal world --sounds so stupid and childish doesn't it, but it is what I do.

Lisa, I laughed when I read "you can't run away form yourself;"it just shows how illogical we can become :) I didn't realize the symptoms never fully go away. I guess right now I'm just trying to learn what's going on with me. What you said about talking with my wife made me wish I had that kind of relationship. I think she just doesn't want to accept that her husband has this disorder. Understandable. It feel like I have to justify and defend what I have. I never thought of telling her it's not my choice, which makes so much sense because her response makes me feel like I'm choosing this. Thanks for this; it made me feel less guilty. I like the approach you suggested, I'm just afraid to do it. I love the idea of a journal--just afraid of it, or more accurately, of what I may write. Wow, taking these symptoms head on is frightening, but your right, running away, or just giving into them, wont help. It's hard to even face them. Also, it's how I cope- I know this sounds dumb, but dealing with the symptoms is like giving up on how I have survived.

Luckylaser, I guess I just feel like a coward, afraid to talk with my wife. Afraid of rejection, afraid that there wont be caring, afraid of blaming. We have not had a close relationship--probably my fault because I'm too afraid to be close. Just being honest.

Thanks for all your help, I have learned a lot form you posts.

Pual

Paul,

What you wrote...been there, done that. It took my husband a long time to accept that what was going on was A)real, B)not going away and C)that our lives were permanently changed.

I wish I could tell you that it's easy. It's not. The one thing I've noticed...a common thread, if you will, with PTSD sufferers and care givers is that everyone has to have their moment when the denial goes away and acceptance of the truth of the situation comes through. This is generally not an easy or pretty process. I call it the 'PTSD meltdown'. Mine was in my kitchen one morning when everything hit me at once, I broke down and I knew I had no choice but to accept the new reality of my life. Either that or there was no way I could get better. My husband's was the evening he chopped down the tangerine tree in our back yard while venting everything that he was feeling/feared/didn't want to happen/knew was happening anyway.

As the sufferer our meltdown is generally earlier than our loved ones. I guess our acceptance of our new reality is earlier because we live with it 24/7 and that point comes sooner.

Talking and being honest with your partner is the only way that they can have any idea about what we're going through. Short of your wife having PTSD she can't understand what you're going through. That part of your life is closed to her. That was such a difficult for thing for me to deal with with my husband. But she can be there for you, support you and love you. But you have to let her in as much as she can come in. As new and scary as this is for you, it is for her, too. Maybe more because she can't understand.

Remember that you're both in this together and you can both see it through together. There's is the other side to this and you can get to it. It's tough but it is worth it...for both of you.

Lisa

Lisa,

After reading your last post it dawned on me that this is not unlike any other grieving process in which someone experiences loss, even the denial and meltdown you described falls into this. I just took a big sigh because I can picture my wife reacting when she does face this. I think I'm still trying to run from it, but as you said my day will and must come. My wife is such a good person and it feels like I"m hurting her with this PTSD, but I will alway remember what you said, "I did not choose this."
Yours and other peoples post have helped me so much to not feel alone--thanks!

Paul

My whole life has melted down and there have been times when I have felt panic and run. If you can help it, try to find a different solution. Sever your stable ties in the present and, because the nightmares will travel with you, they are likely to define your life all the more. My sister said something like that before I sold everything and moved out of state. It's easy advice to give but not so easy to take. Don't get down on yourself for having to learn the hard way, maybe even more than once. For depth of understanding, nothing beats first hand experience.

running away will only change your location not you on the inside. living with this is not easy for you but it will get better if you talk with your wife. SHE may be having feelings and talking always seems to help with my husband when he acts like that.

I know running away all too well. I've lived in 3 different states, 10 different cities and my problems all went with me. Then when I returned to my hometown, guess what was waiting for me.... My problems.

It took a long time to realize this and evens so, I still feel like running at times. It's a never ending battle.

Tammy