Do i have to be actually diagnosed with PTSD to be a part of this group? I suspect that i have it as i have been STUCK my whole life. I went thru 19 years of abuse and i have been out of it for 19 years but my life is STUCK. I am bright but i dont work and have never started a career as i dont seem to be able to sustain anything and instead prefer to do little projects or work that is seasonal in some way. I desperately want to be normal but my thoughts seem to wander alot and i spend my entire life on the internet..researching and sometimes chattin ..e.t.c. I have had different types of therapy over the years but to no avail...all they seem to offer is anti depressants ultimately. It was only last year that i realised that i am traumatised and that it could be the reason i am unable to live a properly functional life. I spend most of my time at home alone and dont come out for days on end and am quite happy doing this. I fear that if i go to the doctors and ask them about PTSD that i will be fobbed off as i appear together and articulate and they just say...why dont you get a job. I am in a catch 22 situation...i look and act reasonably normally but inside my head the real me is unable to GET OUT. I even thought i had Aspergers syndrome as i have many of the traits but when they heard bout my childhood they just said that i am withdrawn/insular...but as far as i am concerned they did not treat me that seriously. A year or so later i asked for a second opinion after finding an Aspergers specialist but they refused to refer me...so here i am trying to manage my life...and realising that NOTHING IS CHANGING.....i still struggle to get out of my apt...i dont play my piano...i dont compose...i DONT go for the walk every day and these are things i WANT to do but something is keeping me from doing them. Can ANYONE shed any help or light here please???

Welcome to the forum.


None of us here can diagnose you. I really recommend that you see a therapist, psychiatrist, or a trauma therapist to be properly diagnosed.

Man oh man, this sounds like my life exactly (before my last job, which really put me over the edge). After the last especially traumatic six months of that job I basically stopped sleeping, couldn't remember anything, couldn't concentrate, and even had a couple of blackouts. Now have been diagnosed with PTSD.

But my therapist thinks the PTSD had me in its grip long before that job. I never identified my childhood as abusive (because it was 19 years of constant emotional and verbal abuse, and was always told by my parents that it was my own fault). I had nothing to compare it to so it just felt "normal". But here's the thing: I grew up not making any friends (I only ended up with friends because some wonderful people latched on to me in high school and stuck around), and not really doing much to maintain any relationships, just saying that I was "naturally" a very solitary person. I can stay by myself for endless periods of time, and actually seem to prefer alone-time. Also, there's stuff I love doing----drawing, writing, calligraphy, painting, piano, guitar----but do I ever do it? No! There never seems to be any time, although there is endless time for TV and avoiding the things I love. I think that I clutter up my life so that somehow I can avoid living it.

And I, too, have worked at many jobs. The only ones I stayed at for a few years were the ones that had built in variety, like theatre---always a different show coming in. Jobs that were routine I couldn't stand. Like you I felt like I was spinning my wheels and my life was just kind of drifting by aimlessly, STUCK.
In the mid nineties I was a counsellor and read a book that I saw a lot of myself in, called Trauma and Recovery by Judith Lewis Herman. It is written for people doing counselling but not in a technical way, so it is pretty easy to understand and I really recommend it. The parts that particularly resonated for me was the second chapter where she writes about the symptoms of hyperarousal, intrusive symptoms, and especially (for me) something called constriction, which means reducing your life down in different ways. I am currently re-reading this book and highlighted the last sentence of one of these segments because I saw myself in it so clearly (I don't know if I am allowed to quote it on this forum but here goes): "Because reliving a traumatic experience provokes such intense emotional distress, traumatized people go to great lengths to avoid it. The effort to ward off intrusive symptoms, though self-protective in intent, further aggravates the post-traumatic syndrome, for the attempt to avoid reliving trauma too often results in a narrowing of consciousness, a withdrawal from engagement with others, and an impoverished life."

That's me all right. No major relationships, my friends all live in other cities or towns (I keep moving away about every ten years), and lots of stuff that I love to do but never do. Aaaack!!! I had been to counsellors too, who didn't really pinpoint anything because I come across as fairly articulate and together. Although they did jump on my solitary-ness and kind of blamed me for it and why didn't I have more relationships in my life (I told them I was just a solitary kind of person----and yet I am also fairly outgoing and comfortable with people. I just don't want to be around them!). Also they tended to suggest that I maybe had depression, but I never felt that I did, just that something was missing from my life and I was stuck.

So personally I think we are both in the right place, and the more I read on this forum the more I recognize in myself. Especially in your story. Thanks for writing and I hope you keep it up----I am new here too and thought I was the only person like this in the world so I am VERY glad to meet another.
Rivergirl

Hi. Welcome to the forum.

I think you need to stop trying to diagnose yourself and get an official diagnosis from a doctor/psychiatrist. Only when you have a correct diagnosis, can the correct treatment for any illness begin.

I'm sure it is hard to motivate yourself to do this, when you find it hard to leave your appartment, and feel you have been fobbed off in the past.

If you find it hard to express just how bad things are for you, it may be worth trying to write down exactly how you feel, any physical symptoms, some of your history (why you feel traumatised), etc. This will help to collect your thoughts, and you can always show your Doctor all that you have written. (I have done this before, litterally been too distressed to talk, and instead handed my Doctor a peice of paper).

Try to stay strong and get a referal to a specialist. I'm not saying this will answer everything and make it all right, but it is a start in the right direction.

Good luck.

SHE CAT,CHERRY BLOSSOM and RIVER GIRL

THANKYOU SO MUCH for your replies. Cherry and She Cat yes i agree i need to go to the doctor to talk about this and i like the idea of writing it down on paper and letting them read it. I am going to try and force myself to do this.

River Girl....{lol} yup...seems you are extremely similar to myself, i also dont know anyone that really has this problem to the degree that i do. For example to day is nice and sunny and really want to go out and walk or sit..and its after 3pm and i am still inside, looking out. I find it so frustrating that i only go outside for an appointment or previous arrangement. I went out for most of Monday because i attended an event and have been indoors ever since. I would really love to understand why i dont allow myself pleasurable activities.My mind is not telling me that i am not worthy of or that i cannot do these things its simply my body will not move towards doing them. I have noticed that if i have a visitor even my body language is more relaxed{as in i may sit in a different and more comfortable posture on my sofa,normally i perch on the edge} and i am more likely to put on my music or watch a movie with them that i love but {i hardly ever if at all} do it when i am alone.

{sighs} I guess my next move is a pen and some a4 sized paper,,,when i see my feelings written down i will be more likely to ring the doctor for an appointment.

Hi again.....yes I, too, highly recommend writing down a list and taking it to the doctor. If I don't do this I end up feeling like whatever I have come for is really just silly and I can't even remember most of my symptoms. I have found that I can sabotage this thinking (and therefore be more clear with the doctor, and get what I came there for) by making a list.

I hope you keep posting here----it is a good start and also I am thrilled to hear from someone who seems to have such a similar lifestyle to mine. Gorgeous weather here, I'd love to sit outside and I actually have a nice old wooden chair on my deck where I can watch the birds, and it's not too hot yet or too many bugs. But so far I have not been outside at all except to drive somewhere, or to fill up the bird feeders. The gorgeous day goes by and I am inside watching TV. And I live by a beach and a river! I moved here because I wanted to live in the countryside!!! Yeesh!

Also, like you, I have lots of favourite music but never play any. Favourite clothes, but never wear them. Favourite things to do but never do them. Woof!

If you're going to a doctor it might be useful to check out the accepted symptoms of PTSD and see how many of them sound like you (add them to your list) and----because not all doctors are helpful---ask how much experience the doctor has had in treating or diagnosing PTSD. If not too much, ask for a referral to someone who has (likely a psychiatrist). Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Rivergirl