I was talking to a woman I know about children. She knows some of my past history. She told me that she had been sexually abused as a child (she doens't have PTSD) and had seen sexual abuse of the women in her life (family and friends) and had made the decision to not have any children based on her experiences. Her exact words to me were 'My children are very, very safe'.

I understood exactly what she was talking about. It was one of those gut-level connections. The connection I had with her statement was because, prior to meeting my husband, I had never planned to have children. In day dreams about my future when I was a kid, I always pictured myself having a partner/husband with me. I never once had any desire for children. Looking back from where I am now to where I was then I can understand that. I was told I was loved, but always felt more like I was tolerated as a child/teen. Not a lot of support. From about the age of 10 or 11 I pretty much took care of myself and kept to myself. I never felt like I had a buffer of anyone standing in front of me. No one defending me.

That all changed when I met my husband. For probably the first time in my life I had someone who would stand up for me, tell the world that they'd have to go through him to get to me and who gave a damn about me. I also knew I had someone who would do the same for my children. That's when I changed my mind about having children.

Has anyone decided not to have children bases on their traumas and/or experiences in life in order to make sure that their children would be safe?

Lisa

Wow...this is a fascinating question as I have thought about this...Maybe it's because I'm pessimistic about the future (which is about the trauma, at least in part) but also looking at the way the world is...I somehow reached a conclusion that it'd be irresponsible to bring a child into this world, such as it is, because I would not be able to guarantee its safety or a good enough life...On some levels there is curiosity about having children and maybe even a fraction of awish to have one or two...But I always go by the fact...I didn't ask to be born and when I have those bad days I wish I hadn't...and I wouldn't want my child to potentially have those thoughts...Maybe I'm just rambling...Obviously this is such a personal decision for people, potential parents etc. So...I assume in part it's because of what I went through but also because I'm scared of what the future (whatever that is, and how ever much of it is left) may bring. Maybe it's stupid...but...yeah.

Oh...and...I guess this ties into what I said earlier about safety etc...The idea, at least at this point in time, of me being responsible for the life of a human being (or 2) whose needs would be much greater than mine is absolutely terrifying, especially since I'm having trouble taking care of myself...Of course, if I had someone else maybe it'd be a bit different bu tthen shifting all the responsibility to him would also be irrepsonsible and unfair. Ok...my 2 cents.

Lisa,

I never wanted children because of my trauma, I was screwed up, I didn't want anyone to go through what I did, and just because I didn't want any. Then I got pregnant at 17. He wanted NO part of me or the baby. I wanted to get an abortion. My mother screwed around till it was too late for me, and I ended up having my daughter. Yes I loved her, but in the end I screwed up her life, because of my life.

I did at 21 make sure that I would never have another child. I had my tubes tied on Dec 21 1974. Back then I had to do a lot of begging pleading, and paper signing to have this done.

If I could do it all over again.... I would never have a child.

There's part of me that wants to have children and this is part of the grieving process for me. I'm 35. I started working through the stuff from my past 4 or 5 years ago. From the beginning, there was this awareness 'I wonder if I can work through the trauma in time for me to be able to have children before I'm infertile/too old but I'm scared I won't be able to and I'll get to my 40s and wish I'd had kids'.

I never wanted to have children until I started facing up to the trauma a few years ago. Now that I'm writing this, I remember in my teens hating my life so much that I was conciously trying to make myself infertile (eg not being careful with hygiene with tampons). I don't think I've ever told that to anyone. I've only just remembered it.

I don't want to have kids until I'm mentally well enough - partly because I'm worried about screwing up their lives because I'm still mentally pretty messed up (I can mostly fake that things are ok at work and with friends, but I go to pieces at home most days). And partly because babies and children are still very triggery for me. I dread hearing a baby cry or scream when I'm at the shops or whatever.

Last year we got a cat for the first time. So hard. I couldn't cope with her being needy. Brought back so many bad memories. I've worked through a lot of it now, but I still find it so hard when the cat is being demanding when I'm not having a good day. Made me realise how far I still need to go before I could even think about having kids.

And even if I miracously recovered completely tomorrow and so did my partner - we're both at high risk of infertility because of particular things that happened to us at children.

I never wanted children because
1. there's so much inbreeding and mental illness and violent criminal behavior in my family that it's best not to add that to the gene pool. I do not come from good stock.
2. I would want to kill any child that looked like or had mannerisms like, my perpetrators, who are my parents, who told me that they did not want me.
3. Having received no love in the home, I have no idea how to be a good parent; I can't discipline a tomato plant, and I can't feel genuine love for screaming human brats. I want to suffocate the loud ones who scream Mommy over and over in public.
4. People like me should not spawn. PTSD makes my life so hard just to care for myself. I can't possibly be healthy and responsible for someone else who relies on me for every little thing for 18 years. I can handle cats, that's all.

one of my sibs had a child that is the carbon copy of our father, and the child went to jail the first time at 15. The cycle continues.

I must respond to this as a parent who raised a child during the most diffcult PTSD time of my life.

I love my daughter with all my heart BUT, had I known that I was indeed not mentally stable, I would never have had her. Knowing what she went through rips my heart out.

My inability to make sound and intelligent decisions during that period of my life WILL
affect her for the rest of her life. She is forever affected. She has issues from my
poor choices that she should not have to deal with, but she does.

If I knew then what I know now-----I would never had had her. But I was alone with no one to see what was wrong. I blame having no guidance as much as the PTSD.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. What is important however is that you did the best you could based on the information and abilities you had at the time.

Thank goodness with the help of a good T. I finally learned to accept that fact. I know in the depth of my soul that I DID DO the best I could at the time. Once I realized that fact, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders.

That does not mean that I have forgotten what I did and the things that happened and went wrong. What it means in I am not going to beat myself up for something I now know was out of my control.

I was floundering on my own with no one who knew me well enough to say "HEY I think you need to seek out some help. Something is wrong"

But finally, after a lifetime of guilt, I have been able to let go. Of course, my daughter's return to me has helped too. But I still feel the same way. "Had I Known"

I have 3 children and they are absolutely the joy of my life. They know mom gets stressed, but they learn to adjust. I heard my son tell my husband, "I would tell mom, but I don't want to stress her out." I went into the room and said "I am an adult. You don't worry about stressing me out! I'm mom!" And he told me and it was not even stressful.

Of course, fortunately, I have never been a single parent. I'm not sure I could handle that. But as long as my husband is beside me; I would not have it any other way. My family is my life!

I've never wanted kids. People told me when I was "older" I would but I still don't. If anything I will adopt. I want to help those children who have been neglected, tossed aside, and aren't wanted like I wish someone would have helped me.