I just started on this thing but I am having a bad week and it just feels good to express my feelings without having to tell family and friends.

I am dating this very amazing guy. Treats me so great and has so much patience with me. I have opened up to him about my past and ptsd which was like swallowing splinters but I had to because I was afraid if I didn't tell him I would lose him because he would not understand my behavior. I love him and I know that I would be heartbroken if it was over but I just can't seem to want him near me. He is being supportive through these last few days and I opened up to him about a lot of things on Tuesday because I nearly ended it then and somehow was able to come to my senses.

I am not sure exactly how to explain this: on tuesday I shut down. I was emotionless and I felt nothing toward him. He picked up on me acting weird in a matter of minutes. I didn't want to have to worry that he was going to break my trust, I get really jealous. It's like I get nervous he will leave me and then I go numb and that is when I push him away. Nothing he does makes me think he will leave me I just think, who would want me? Me with all my crap. I am like this scared pathetic girl aimlessly wandering in a different direction every day it seems. I put up this front that I am strong and I have only cried in front of him once because to look weak, or crazy, or scared would be like sentencing me to death. Anyway I think I trailed off.

I got better on Tuesday night, he sat down with me and talked to me. He said he didn't want me to push him away because he wants to support me and loves me. I opened up and we just had a reallky close night. It took our relationship to a new level. Then last night-wednesday-I snapped back to that emotionless state. I even thought for a minute how easy it would be to hurt him. I almost got up from dinner and walked out on him. I wanted to shove him and tell him to go away. I didn't. I held back all the crazy thoughts I had but I started an argument. I was so cold that he looked at me and asked, "do I disgust you?" Oh! I can't believe I would hurt him-he had this look in his eye and I felt like a monster and I didn't care.

He asked me out to dinner tonight before he goes away for the weekend and part of me says just don't pick up the phone and the other part wants to see him. I know he is on high alert with me right now. I am stressing him out and I can't stop. I can't stop wanting to push him away but it feels so good to be with him when I am not in this state. Part of me is fighting to not push him away and not hurt him so I am going to see him tonight but I dont want to see him because what if I just lose it? How can I feel more in control? What is wrong with me and what keeps going through my head is how do I not disgust him?

That's PTSD, honey. Your boyfriend is a keeper! Explain to him that your illness does this to you nad you cant help it, but hopefully he will understand and be patient with you. I have a great man too. Hold on to them because they are few and far between.

You are not alone. I see a lot of my own behaviour in your post. 2quilt is right, hang on to him.

For me, my girlfriend has been a blessing. At times I treat her as you have described treating your boyfriend. Over time we have learned together that when I start to shut down it is time for me to head to the cottage to be alone. I am lucky enough that she understands and accepts what PTSD has done to me and that at times I have no control over my emotions and actions.

This didn't come easy to us and for the life of me I can't understand why she stuck with me, but she did. I don't have any advice on how you can feel more in control as I haven't been able to figure that one out myself. I do wish you well and hope that things work out for you and your boyfriend.

Wow, I'm impressed by your boyfriend. I'm in the same situation except my boyfriend is extremely unemotional and insensitive and gets pissed off when I have my moods which only makes me cry and makes the situation worse. I COMPLETELY understand the whole "i don't want to see him or talk to him" thing too, and it sucks because it's not really their fault at all, and it's not ours either, it's just the PTSD/depression/anxiety or whatever. It is extremely frustrating though when you can't give answers, and they don't understand. You are lucky to have an understanding boyfriend that can work with you on your moods and issues. Good luck to you, and just know that I totally understand and this also makes me thankful that other people have the same problems so I'm not nuts! Hope things work out, let me know

Thank you for all your kind words. I called my best friend and talked to her about it and then posting on here was really helpful. I think talking about it and acknowledging how I felt made me feel more human. I went out to dinner with him last night and I looked at him in the eyes and apologized. He said he loves me and that he will be there for me. He understands that I have to work it out, he can't "fix" me and I think he sees that I am trying and that makes him more patient. I felt close to him and I had emotions, which feels great after just not caring. So thanks to all of you for letting me know I am not alone and for open ears.

I do exactly the same thing, I get cold and distant, but also paranoid. I don't believe a word he is saying, and I don't know why. A day before I couldn't have trusted anyone as much as him, and I fully trust him. The next day every single thing he does or says supports my theory of deception. This seems to be ruining every relationship. I feel devastated currently for the same reasons. I don't have any good advice, if I did I'd follow it myself.

Well, one piece. Tell him when you are in that place. If there is one tiny thread of trust at that moment, say 'I am in in that place where...' that place where for me personally, nothing he says is trustworthy, I am suspicious of everything, and trying to protect myself while predicting everything he might say or do in advance. In reality, I am steering everything in the direction I believe it is going anyway. Self Fulfilling Prophecy.

I have done and experienced all of these things...the mistrust and paranoia which ultimately always led to me sabotaging the relationship.

And then something different happened when I met my husband. I immediately trusted him - he went the extra mile that none of the others had done, there was something completely intuitive inside of me that said "trust him". And I did. I immediately went in to the relationship trusting him, because he had not given me a reason to NOT trust him.

I still have moments of paranoia: that he is going to leave me, that he is cheating on me, that when he says something nice it's a lie only to make me feel good. And on these occasions, I tell him exactly how I'm feeling and in a matter of minutes he is able to shift my thought process and I believe part of the reason that he is able to so quickly shift my thought process is because I TRULY believe him and trust him.

I understand how hard it is for us PTSDers to trust, let alone trust someone immediately. So I guess the question is, is trust earned or given? What if someone has not done anything to not have you trust them? That's not saying that a person should spill their guts in one day to someone. But, I think it's unhealthy to immediately assume that a person shouldn't be trusted because then the relationship is tainted from the start and the other person has to work harder due to something that he/she didn't do in the first place! We tend to think that other people should do the hard work in gaining our trust even though they haven't done anything to lose that trust in the first place.

I hope any of this makes sense. I understand the struggle.

Best,
Rachel

Rachel, I feel a lot of the same things for my bf that you do for your husband. I don't recall trusting anyone this much, and because of that fewer episodes occur. Still, they happen. However, it was because of an incident with him and how he treated it and the limits he drew that helped me to see what it was I was doing, for the first time. I trusted him enough to believe him, even in my extreme paranoia, when he said 'We can work through this together' and 'this isn't YOU but something that you do, and it is only a small part of what you do'. Never before had I heard that.

Still, I feel that I am destroying this relationship and all others. Still, even with trust.

Well, there are two sides to every story as there are differing opinions on subjects. I think the answer to Rachel's question "is trust earned or given" depends on your life experiences. I used to trust everyone (give trust) and then I got burnt and burnt again so I then did the opposite and everyone had to prove themselves to me before I trusted them (trust earned).

I find now I sit in the middle. There is a certain "minimal" amount of trust I will give and the rest has to be earned. That is not to say I mistrust people, it means I will err on the side of caution until a greater level of trust has been earned. What Rachel said is true in that we can't put our past experience on others and expect them to work hard to gain our trust when they haven't done anything wrong.

My advice is to maintain a level of caution but don't slam the door shut saying you have to work gawd damn hard to pry it open....innocent until proven guilty