When I was in my second round of 12 step abuse counseling my T said I had no anger and where was it? I'm still, to this day grappling with that. I also have a huge LAG TIME in acting against abuse of any kind against me. It's like a shock to my system. That moment of incredulous awareness that "OH my GOD this is happening AGAIN!" There is a rapid intake of breath, then hyperventilating. Running or going into some protective stance. I have no idea as to why I suppress my anger so deeply other than it was to survive my childhood abusers as well as those into my adulthood. But it's not a good thing to bury it as we all need to find proper ways to protect ourselves in the daily course of of living. Where I live there is a very high crime rate. Lots of people who are on illegal drugs as well as alcoholism in conjunction with it. So, when out shopping or taking care of my business I have to be keenly aware of that. I don't want to stir up their anger, so I suppress my own. It's a double edge sword because I'm really angry that they have so much power and control, to me it's like another form of being bullied. The gangs have the run of the town. My anger is so hidden from others that I appear to others as meek and mild but inside I'm all torn up, very conflicted now that I have been told that I need to address my anger. I have had outbursts on occasions, they are few and far between. I can remember one from 43 years ago, after a particularly brutal rape, I entered my bedroom and swept the entire contents off the top of my bureau, glass and all shattering on the wall and floor. I'm sure it was my anger boiling over but my mother came in and fussed at me. She asked me "What in the world did you think you're doing?" It was confusing, frustrating and extremely difficult as I didn't have the words to say to expalin, to verbalise the abuse as I felt like it was my fault. They had done such a superior job of brain washing me early on claiming that I was the problem.

I can totally relate to what so many of you have written. I have no problem getting angry but it's never about the right things. That is to say I can be fine one minute and then completely rage the next but it's typically about something small and insignificant, the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back; or sometimes it may just be that I'm really more afraid than angry and just don't know how to handle my emotions. When it comes to the big things that I should get angry about, I don't. In the past year I have finally recognized that I think I'm afraid of expressing my anger because I don't know how to handle it in a way that feels safe or constructive and I'm afraid that I won't be able to turn it back off. Then when I do find myself raging over something small and insignificant and I'm completely over-reacting, feeling overwhelmed and out of control I think it adds credibility to my fear that it isn't safe to be angry. If I get that out of control over something small then, by my logic, what on earth would I be like if I showed anger over some bigger issue.

I can remember when I attempted suicide in my early-20's and my psychiatrist came to see me at the hospital the next day he kept telling me I needed to express my anger. He literally wouldn't sign for my discharge until I could "growl like a junkyard dog". It took me days and days before I could muster even the smallest, meekest little grrr. Now I look back on that and think what a disservice that I learned to growl but not in a constructive way or about the things that really matter.

Yeah,Lily!!!! I, too, become enraged and loud when I perceive a threat to me or mine. The worst things have already happened to me, so I'll be damned before I let them happen anywhere I can see, hear, or know about. My other frequently reminds me not to involve myself in other people's s***, but I can't help thinking about how my life might have been different if anyone had ever intervened on my behalf. Perhaps I would not need a freakin' map to experience grief. Perhaps I would sleep at night in a bed that is not my enemy. Perhaps... red