I can't even bring myself to tell my therapist the details of my rapes, they are the most embarrassing, humiliating parts of my life. After high school I moved up to northern CA to attend UC Davis. Within a week of living there I was kicked out of the dorms for my roommates calling the cops on me for cocaine possession. I wasn't charged, but I did leave the dorms and a huge mish-mash of troubles surfaced with my parents as I didn't tell them but they eventually found out that I was living on the living room floor of an apartment with 4 random college students (weird asian guys I had nothing in common with). After my mother attempted to rescue me from being stuck in a shitty place, which I refused to leave because I thought I could make it (wrong), I got involved with a bunch of town losers. In October of 2006 I went to a halloween party, had one drink, had 5 guys hold me down as one shoved a white round pill (I still don't know what it was) into my mouth and then I proceeded to feel faint. I remember pushing one guy off of me, and as I fell unconscious I could see images of different guys' faces as they were on top of me. The next morning I was sick to my stomach, I was at a random apartment, wearing nothing. I got dressed in my blue t-shirt and mini skirt, grabbed my heels, and walked home at least 3 miles at about 6 in the morning. It was cold and I thought nothing of what had happened, I thought I was asking for it. Sometimes I still do. I went about my business that week, again, I thought that it was my fault, so I drank my guilt away. A week later I went to a party with a couple friends, walked home completely plastered and didn't know that I was being followed home. I walked into my apartment, the man followed me in and I was confused, I lied down to sleep, and I was raped again. A couple friends of mine walked into my apartment, saw this going on, and did nothing about it. The next day no one said anything about it to me, and I checked my facebook and it turns out that this guy that raped me asked to be my facebook friend. I threw up. That night I had the most blocked memories, I just vaguely remember it now because I was so disturbed I had tried to completely block it out, subconsciously. After these ordeals I became heavily involved with shooting IV heroin and speedballs, I OD'd several times, lost all of my friends, and my mom finally came and got me and brought me to rehab in laguna beach last year. I still don't know how many men raped me the first night, I can recall 3 but there were more in the room. I have such extreme disgust and hatred for men, I have an extreme fear of abandonment, and I am constantly depressed. I have been diagnosed as PTSD, bipolar, depressed, borderline, and god knows what else. It amazes me how human beings can treat each other.

We've both been through alot obviously. I was walking home one night around 2am in 2001 and a guy kept following beside me in his car circing the block and he got out of his car walked to the corner to see if anyone was around, so I again turned and went the other way and he had came up behind me grabbed me told me if I were to scream or fight him that he'd snap my neck right then and there. I begged him as he was dragging me in an alley to stop and was crying my eyes out which pissed him off more. After begging him not to do it, he threatened me with a knife and I just did what my gut told me to do and not fight it because he would've killed me. Afterward, he told me to walk away and not look back. I did as he said and ran as fast as I could on my recently broken ankle that I had a brace on. I screamed help as I was running and someone heard me and called the cops. He's still out there somewhere and that makes me paranoid since it was on the news. I was drugged and gang raped by 5 guys and when I woke up after about 14 hours, I had pee all over my chest and shirt from where they did god knows what to me. I'd rather not know for my own sake.
Another time, I met this football player who invited me over so I went after he assured me noone else would be there. Well, I got there nad there were nothing but guys. They kept calling me a baby saying that I'm too goody goody to drink so me being a leo, I wanted to prove them wrong. I got sick so he told me I could lay down in his room....I started blacking out and seen guys around me and I tried to say no but couldn't do to the blacking out. After I woke up, they were in the living room laughing asking me if I had fun. I left. I couldn't stop crying. I felt so disgusting like I deserved it for some reason. I just tried to accept it but I guess that can only work for so long without it entering your mind out of nowhere one day. Theres more but I'll continue that next. We have alot in common huh? My Mom would make me feel like I did it to myself because I did what she told me not to do and hung out with bad people. I did coke for a few months and was drinking everyday back in 2003 when all this happend. My fiancee and I had broken up over his drug problem and it hurt so bad that I wanted to get him off of mny mind but never could even when I was drunk. It actually made it worse. We got back together that october in 2003 and we've been together ever since and married for over 3 years. I've put him through alot with my temper and he's so understanding and supportive, which only makes me feel 10 times worse when I hurt his feelings when I blow up. I've always been blunt and open about stuff and I like to talk about my problems instead of bottle them up. It's all so confusing. I was raped by my then friends boyfriend that same year, when he wouldn't leave my house after my friend left. He kept pushing himself on me and I kept on moving and trying to stop him but he got on top of me and I fought him by trying to close my legs and push him off but he just got rougher. After he was done, he went to my kitchen and put a box of sausage biscuits under his shirt and left. I didn't say anything cause he's in a gang and I'd rather live. It's just something that hopefully one day I'll have to learn to cope with. I'd like to talk to you more so we can help each other out. I hope your doing okay.