I am worse now that I have no antidepressant in my body and I am in withdrawal, but even when I was on an antidepressant, I had far more conflicts and confrontations with people than your average person.

When something does not go the way I imagined it to go, I get rabid angry (zero to bitch in .001 seconds); I think that the other person is really trying to piss me off, hurt me, cheat me, and-- that person is really enjoying the causing me pain, the action was intentional to hurt me.

How often is this truly the case in reality? Hmmm. In the light of day I know that people do careless things and nobody is out to get me or make me made just for the hell of it. But I swear that when I am in the moment, I can't see any other option other than that the other person is intentionally grinding his heel into my neck and laughing at me.

Where does this come from? I am an incest survivor from both parents, a survivor of multiple rapes and sexual assaults of which None of the perps ever got in any trouble whatsoever (the police 'lost' my paperwork and DNA evidence) and the crimes were covered up. I have multiple physical illnesses and debilitating diseases that are very painful. I have been in a war. My PTSD comes from many sources. So you can see how I could feel like justice has always let me down, the police and those who should protect me never have done so, and the world is out to get me.

What do I do to change my automatic thought processes? I ask you for suggestions.

Hi 2Quilt,

I think the answer is the answer that we happen to give to lots of other members - therapy. I have rage issues, too. I'm an angry person but hide my anger beneath sarcasm most of the time so I don't necessarily come off as "crazy". But, when the timing is right - I blow my stack, I rage sometimes blindly.

The anti-depressants seem to be working better for me more and more, I think - or it could also be that I'm working hard in therapy every week. Sometimes, it's hard to pin-point that "one" thing that is working to cure a specific symptom.

You quilt, right? Do you find release in that? Maybe start increasing your time spent quilting or practicing other creative outlets.

Too, you're withdrawing from meds and it's understandable that your mood shifts can be quick. Again, I'd suggest during this time to try and spend more time doing things that calm you and try to avoid any stressors until you've done withdrawing from the meds. Once that process is over, I'd suggest the therapy route.

Hang in there.

Best,
Rachel

I just wrote about a similar situation in my diary....and in reading this...DUUUGGHHH...I am in withdrawal as well to a certain extent. I also have to realize that the whole world is not out to get me. I thought I was further in my healing....this really made me think. Thank You.

My anger often comes from out of nowhere. Even mild frustrations can set me off. If my kids start acting up, I'm usually the one who has the biggest tantrum. Afterwards, I always feel weird, all tingly and shaky. I end up giving myself a time out, and just chill out alone until I feel calmed down. When it's all over, I'm left feeling drained.

It also makes me feel like a major bitch. My kids are incredibly well-behaved, everybody says so, so why would I yell at them, like that? It reminds me of my mother, and I want to be the opposite of her, not turn into her. I always apologize to them, afterwards, and try to explain to them that it's me, not them. I hope they understand. The last thing I would ever want to do is traumatize my children.

At times, my rage becomes such that all I can do is growl and scream. When I feel a major meltdown coming on, I try to hold it all in, until everybody goes to sleep. Then, I go out to the garage, and sit in the car, with the windows up, and yell and scream and sob, until it's purged from my system.

What I have learned, and it is very difficult to do. It is re-learning how you think and it takes time. It is not automatic. When someone does something that makes me want to blow, stand back and find a way to give them the benefit of the doubt before you say anything. Then you can approach it in an non-confrontive way. One reason I blow is because I over-personalize the act or statement when in fact, it had nothing to do with me personally. I have to say "this is not about me, it is about what they are trying to achieve."

The lady that cut in front of you in the grocery line, may have been in a big hurry and had a sick child on her mind. If brought to her attention mildly, then she probably won't blow. Assume her mind was on something concerning herself, not about hurting you. Because most likely that's the truth.

Like a child takes my son's floaty, instead of accusing, say "oops, I think you grabbed the wrong floaty." Instead of automatically assuming the child is a thief; assume he has a similar floaty and it was a mistake.

That is what I have been attempting, and it has worked well for me. I'm still snappy at times, but it has also helped me to be more gentle and caring towards others and that has been a very positive experience.

I sure appreciate the quick replies.
Cecilia, i wish i could say "oops, you made a tiny mistake" with a smile...instead of seeing red automatically. I can do that with kids because they have not yet learned how to be buttholes who hurt on purpose. Kids just don't harm each other on purpose, but adults do it all the time.
(I think!)

MShadow, I can't stop myself when I feel a major meltdown coming on because it's so fast. I lose control before you can blink. I want to learn how to stop myself, and maybe ask the person if they are really trying to get me upset or not, because they are. Do buttholes tell you honestly?

Hey Pandora, our lives are not the easy ones. At least we know when to ask for help!

Lina's mamma, I am now in therapy, and I never want this T to retire. I have been medicated and therapized for 15 years. Yes, I quilt for fun, but it makes me feel bad when my art is not understood by others. My quilts are abstract. Not your granny's style! It does make me feel good to do it and I try not to show it off because people look at my art as if it were an upsidedown kindergardener's painting, and then ask me, 'What is it?' with a sour look.

Oh, and avoiding stressors... I am leaving in a minute to go let Geico check out the damage to my vehicle after one of their insured's caused the car accident. This is the nastiest insurance company on the planet, pulling all kinds of questionable unethical crap on --me--, the one who did NOT cause the accident. Y'all be thinking nice, pleasant, calming thoughts for me as I try real hard not to get arrested for assault when they say something or do something that pisses me off.

I want some chocolate.

2quilt,

That is interesting because I see children hurt each other all the time and sometimes it is just to make the other child cry. I know adults do the same thing, but I always think it is a child's game more than adult behavior.

I'm not saying my view is right. I just think it is interesting the way different people can view things.

But I am just as bad. I hate it when I lose my patience with my kids, even worse than when I lose it with my husband. I swear sometimes they think my head is going to turn 360 degrees. I am still trying to figure it out myself.

Cecilia,
You probably know much better than I do about how kids think and premeditate behavior since you had a daycare of your own and I have no children and cant be around them at all. I guess it may not matter how old the person is to be able to intentionally hurt another.

The Geico visit was painless. I has envisioned a cat fight over what they wanted to do to my vehicle and what privacy I want to protect. Nothing happened, and they didnt cross my boundaries. I am so screwed up by this antidepressant withdrawal that I think that they are trying to hurt me, take advantage of me, abuse me. I do have valid reasons for this! Even the paranoid are correct sometimes.

Hi 2quilt, I'm sorry your going through this. I had some thoughts I wanted to share but everything I typed came out disorganized and didn't make sense so I erased it. *sigh*

Anyway, hang in there!
Tammy

2Quilt,

With regards to what other people think of your art, I say F 'em! Seriously, you have to take on that attitude and simply do it for yourself.

I write poetry, and have had some success with it. But, I also love to mess around with photography and I also like to paint on old cigar boxes - both I'm not very good at but do it anyway because it brings me joy.

You have to find those escapes for you and do it for you, not for anyone else. If it weren't for those creative outlets, I would be in the nut house by now. So I say - keep on quiltin'!

I'm glad the Geico thing didn't go poorly for you.

Best,
Rachel