I used to say that "reality sucks, its for people who don't have tequila". But tequila didn't work, sometimes it numbed things pretty good, but at others it simply made it easier for the anger/rage that is always bubbling under the surface come out. Today, I have been looking for help and understanding of what things really look like for me down the road. I am 38 and was diagnosed with PTSD with dysthimic depression five years ago. I was infantryman in the Canadian Armed forces for six years, volunteer firefighter for a few as well, but my main PTSD pieces are from being a kid and being severly physically abused (maily beatings but a little burning too), sexually abused by a female sitter, and from witnessing lots of family violence including the rape of my mother by my step dad.

Is it any wonder that I am screwed up. Not really.

I do this every once in a while, look online for things that might help, but this is the first time I found this forum. I've been looking at some of the threads and it never ceases to amaze me that first of all, I am still alive, and second that there are a lot of people like me out there. In some ways that feels good and in others I find it terribly disheartening. Good because I know I am not alone, bad because as I read a few stories it confirms the messages that docs gave me back then. The prognosis for full recoervy is not good. They told me that some of my symptoms would probably reduce with help and meds and time but that in the long run I'm screwed.

I find it hard to make the things I know in my head match what I feel inside. Especially when I find myself with the intrusive thoughts that say "Don't trust em, hit em first, don't say anything." At times its hard to tell the difference between a real threat and a percieved one. The real ones I always seem to pick up on, its the ones that aren't really there that cause me the big problems. Theres not many snipers on the rooves in Canada, or threats of ambushes or people that are gonig to attack me or my family in Tim Hortons. But, I still find myself looking for them.

As well, I don't know which is worse knowing that I'm going to struggle with this for the rest of days above ground or having hope that things will get better. A Morgan Freeman said in that Shawshank redemption flick - Hope is a dangerous thing. Bar one of those Christ on earth miracles, it ain't going to get much better than having good days where I can be around people and not feel like running, or hitting, or worse.

What a day. Sorry I am rambling.

The thing that really scares me now is that my daughter is getting older and though she thinks her daddy is a "little crazy" (in a loving kind of way) I am afraid that one day soon she is going to realize just what a mess her old man is. I'm having a hard time with that.

Welcome to the forum...

It is sad that there is no cure for this, but with meds, therapy, coping skills, and hard work you can feel a whole lot better. You can actually have a life. A little different than before, but at least better than it is.

Welcome to the forum....

Welcome.
I'm wandering- Do you still drink and if so is it a constant or mostly social ?

Welcome to the forum Arcticboy, from a fellow Canuck.

Thanks for the welcome folks,

Especially from my Canuck contemporaries. I do drink now, socially. I didn't drink for over seven years and things were relatively good then. I learned a lot of skills that I think kept me alive. My aggression was right off the charts when I was younger and drank.

When I feel myself getting depressed I stay away from it altogether, no need to add the CNS depressant to my already mixed up system.

Hey Riggs I remember seeing some of your posts. Good to see ya.

Welcome to the forum Arcticboy...

I am originally from the U.P of Michigan. Just south of you. What beautiful country Canada and the upper north midwest of The U.S is. Welcome to the forum and peace to you.

Welcome Arctic Boy, I'm a Canuck too (thought significantly sub Arctic)

Welcome to the forum.