Okay, I am really frustrated with this site right now it has been so useful for me up until this moment. prepare for me to ramble...
I have tried posting a blog to let out my thoughts and can't do it! I tried going into the diaries and it won't let me do that eithier! GRRRRRRRR
so i am going to type what i'd like to say here..
I am so tired of being right now, my mind just doesn't know when to stop going! I have wore my body out today, doing things around the house and then even done some shopping! i have been going nonstop all day and have yet to tire my brain! the perfectionist is taking over me right now. it's 20 min to 1am and i want to rearrange my living room, since there has been major changes made. which is something i don't take kindly to. i hate when things are changed.. my man has bought a 50in plasma t.v. and hung it on the wall, and all my decorative things are scatererd on my dining room table the living room is a total wreck and i spent all day cleaning the house!! GRR I'm so fed up with my brain right now. i'm suposed to be working on living in the moment and not dwelling on the negative also figuring out who critizised me as a child to make me my own critic which is a hard one to please..why is everything easier said than done and why do i feel the need to do it all!!!????
What I know and what i feel are to completely diffrent things and i tend to go with what i feel which isn't the healthy mental route. I know I cant do it all but I feel like I have to, and theats what i go with. i know if i change my thoughts i will be doing better but How come i can catch the thoughts but cant seem to throw them?
And one more thing that aggravates the hell outtra me is why i have to be so jumpy my 7year old had a balloon in the car tonight and it popped while i was driving and i like to wrecked the car and then felt panic my chest hurt really bad.. and yesterday i was on a bridge that has a train running next to it and the train blew its horn and i like to jumped out of my skin! why does this always seem to happen when i am driving? well, even at home if the doorbell rings and i am expecting someone i freak out for a bit.....
I feel so crazy but my therapist says i shouldn't call myself crazy i should just say i have racing thoughts but i think that's not just all i have or am........
I really don't understand me or my illness.. Oh and then there's the past.. I keep catching myself analyzing what i do based on what has happend, for instance, I tend to be over obsesive about how the house is kept, because my mother never kept a good house and when i was on my own at 15 years i had to teach myself what to do and how to do it, there are still somethings i dont notice to do, especially maintence type things. and i feel like the way i look at relationships is based on 10 years of sexual abuse which is really confusing and scary and hurting. the other night my boyfriend woke me up with caresses and kisses and the we started to make love when all of a sudden i thought "i was asleep and you woke me up to have sex?!" I felt so used and forced i still haven't said anything to him because i think maybe i was on the verge of a nightmare and he woke me up while my brain was still acting out the dream, most of the time i have bad dreams and i don't remember them but the feelings i feel are unforgetable. I geuss ive programed myself not to remember.. but normally i like it when he wakes me up that way, I just don't get it..... I don't get me eithier!!
Any feed back would be appreciated and thanks for hanging in there and reading all this! hope you can help me make some sense of me!!

Hey Lacey,
I can really sympathize with you. I know how frustrating it is to have an exagerated startle response like that, and it can be a really scary thing when it happens when you're driving! Your therapist is right about how you're not crazy. The startle response is your body's automatic response. There's nothing you can do to cause or control it completely. Everyone has it- it just tends to be more pronounced in some people, especially those with PTSD.

Thanks Trapped, I recently had a breakthrough in therapy, she said i am a hypersensitive person so i feel emotions more than most people and it is common with survivors. I am feeling a little better knowing that but i feel like i haven't actually came to terms with my illness. I guess there's no time limit to accept all this but at least i am dealing with it the best i can. staying positive is the hard part for me.
Thanks for the reply and compassion.

Hi Lacey,

I can relate to what you're going through with this...one part that struck me was you saying that you're your own harshest critic...That's the case with me too. I know it's a hard one to let go...and I haven't even begun..but read your post again, you're putting yourself down throughout the whole thing. This thing often makes us feel worthless, stupid etc...but we have to keep fighting it...and we get tired...Boy, do I know that feeling...I can also relate to baloon-popping, fireworks, firecrackers etc...they set me off too...And hte hypervigilance...I sleep with a tennis racquet near my bed...The point is, as Trapped says, you'r enot crazy...These things, unfortunately, all go with PTSD...until we deal with it through lots of therapy, hard work etc. Oh I've lalso heard about that "Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)" label and it's been suggested to me that I might be an HSP...It seems to be a growing field of research...hard to say if it;s just some kind of trend, or does such a diagnosis really have a good basis...I don't know. Anyway, hang in there.