Hello,

My wife has PTSD/Anxiety/Depression/Eating Disorder; I have severe major depression. Her parents abused her for 25 years. My wife is the most wonderful person in the world so it's hard to see her go through this.

The psychiatrist has her heavily medicated since there are no hospitals in Wisconsin that can help her.

In addition she has permanent neurological damage and back injuries from a car accident.

When things get really bad I stay with her nearly 24/7. A year ago Christmas it lasted six months. This year it's been since Thanksgiving. Each time her parents were the trigger. During the "good" times she'll be out of commission for a day when something triggers her.

I hope this forum will help me take better care of my wife, and provide encouragement.

I appreciate you're being here.

Welcome to the forum Crucible. I look forward to talking with you in the Carer's section.

Hello and Welcome.
Just a question, do you mean she is triggered when she is around her parents?
Best Wishes,
Lily

Hello,

Although being around her parents is always a source of significant stress, it is not automatically a trigger.

At Christmas she saw them baby sitting their grandkids without any supervision. The kids were two, three, and four years old which is about how old my wife was when the abuse started for her.

Unlike their past treatment of my wife, they were kind towards their grandkids. Perhaps the contrast in "care" and the vulnerablity of these children acted as the trigger.

At Thanksgiving we got into an arguement with her mother when she characterized herself as generous and my wife as selfish and irresponsible.

Welcome to the forum..... Your wife may benefit from the forum also if she should choose to join....

Welcome Crucible,

The same thing used to happen to me when any family member called. I say "used to" because until I get better, I have to remian separate from them. I haven't a clue if this is right or wrong, but I felt it was the only way until I get better. For me the injury is not only the memory of what they did, but the fact that they haven't a clue at how much it damaged me and how much of my life has been dominated by what they did. Each contact was like being abused all over again. I'm new here also and I have no idea if anyone else shares this, but it's my reality--- I can feel myself getting angry and triggered just thinking about my family.

I hope you get the help you and your wife need

cec

Hi and welcome Crucible.

Like cec, I couldn't really start to heal till I cut off all contact from my parents. My OH also had an abusive childhood and he sort of cut off contact from his family, but they still contacted him every few weeks, and each time he'd get very dissociated and lose clarity for weeks, so he was only 'here' a few days here and there. A couple of months ago he finally saw how much damage it was doing to him and cut off all contact properly until early next year. He has made WAY more progress since then than he has in the past 5 years. I am hoping he won't resume contact with his parents, but this is a good start.

Just wanted to add this because contact with an abusive parent is very different to being triggered by things that just remind us of the abuse. It's been my experience that contact with abusive parents triggers the fear at a much deeper level, and there are usually other difficult issues that need to be worked through as well as the trauma reactions.

Regards,
Seychelle

Wow. I also have childhood abuse issues and I finally came to the realization that it was/IS OK to distance myself from my biological father. Each time I'd talk to him on the phone or have a visit with him others would say I was "different" (cold, distant, jumpy, etc.). It has only been in the past month or two that I have accepted that I have the strength and "permission" (???) to distance myself from my abusers. It is a bit embarrassing to even write this...I'm an adult and I still feel I need "permission" to protect myself. I am looking forward to the future when these feelings of fear and shame are a distant memory and where I believe I have full rights like other humans. I feel safer now. More than in the past. We now live in Germany, but my biological father wanted to come and see us here too. Thankfully we both agreed it was not a good idea.

I agree with you She Cat, but she can't bring herself to do it. When she needs information she asks me to search for it.

Hello cec,

I don't think there's any right or wrong, but rather what helps you heal.

What also makes things more difficult is the denial. Her parents say they absolutely never abused her, yet, we have proof to the contrary. I believe they have repressed most of their memories. Even though her parents have changed, there is guilt behind their eyes.

She protected her siblings so her parents "destroyed" her. Her brother and sisters dismiss my wife as dramatic, and tell her to get over it. Her siblings crave a normal life so they do everything possible to not to address the past. They also don't want to jeopardize the relationship they have with the new and improved parents.

Sometimes my wife wants to live as far away as she can from her family; other times she wants to stay. She does want our daughter to know her grandparents, uncle, aunts, and cousins.

At times my wife is jealous of her siblings normal life. When this happens I remind her that they owe their normal life to her.

Although she has forgiven everyone, there are so many repressed memories and so much repressed anger.

I pray that you achieve peace.