Hello Seychelle,

Unconsciously, I believe I've distance myself from my family both physically and emotionally. Due to my mother's infidelity my parents separated when I began high school. Except for my married sister, my brothers and I lived with my Dad. As the oldest (and very empathetic) one I became my brothers' mother/father and my dad's support.

Over time I saw my family crumbling around me despite my best efforts. Finally during my freshman year in college my grandmother called to tell me that my mother had been murdered by professionals.

For as long as I could I refused to examine it until one day my half sister said something. (My dad remarried and his sister's daughter became his wife. They had three children. Much later after their parents divorced I became like their mother and father when their parents sent them to live with me.) I had to face that my father most likely arranged my mother's death.

Although I forgave and prayed for my father I've come to realize that there's rage in the depths of my soul. For now I can't afford to cut it out of me, because my wife and daughter desperately need me so I count on my medication. When things settle down I'll go down that road.

About six years ago my father was kidnapped. After two years they kidnappers stopped all communication. Three years after that we held a memorial service for him. Talk about mixed emotions. I prayed for him, but inside I was numb. I felt no sorrow, no emotions whatsoever.