Hello everyone -

I seem to be having trouble keeping my mind wrapped around a dx of CPTSD. I don't know why that would be, unless it's just mental habituation.... neuropathways and all that. Reading "Trauma and Recovery" was, at first, a huge relief, but I find myself having a hard time holding on to the meaning of it. The author does mention that the mindset of simply being defective is remarkably resilient...is this all it is? Just getting used to thinking of it differently? I'm trying to understand why denial would come in to play.

Also, I am finding that I am actually afraid of good feelings, of being happy. It's crazy, but being numb, or even depressed, feels more grounded. The further away I am from 'the ground', the harder the fall, the more exposed I feel. On the rare occasion that it happens, I think I actually sabotage good feelings. Has anyone else experienced this, and, if so, what did you do about it?

Thanks,
Dylan

I can totally relate to feeling more grounded when I'm down. I think it's just so much more familiar.

I prefer to feel happy, but when I do, it always seems unreal. It's like I feel high, and I expect to crash at any moment. That usually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I guess when you live in the dark, light can be blinding.

I struggle with being relaxed when I have happy moments (can't really say I'm happy in general), because I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like something will come crashing down when I feel good. I know I'm a good one for catastrophizing. And I can see why I am that way - I was always walking on eggshells around my mother and never knew what to expect from her...one minute things were okay, the next, whammo . . . mom's on the attack, and when mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy (I really should have that T-shirt - blah).

What do I do? Good question. I'm still trying to figure out the best strategies and practice one I know. I think one is to remind myself to try to stay in the moment and try not to cross scary, dangerous bridges until I come to them. (Hmmm, just put it together that that scary bridge analogy is a recurrent nightmare image I have.) This is all easy to say, of course. Hard to do.

I'm not really getting what you mean in your first question about denial, but that's most likely me and my concentration problems ;)

This is the part I'm having trouble with:

"The author does mention that the mindset of simply being defective is remarkably resilient...is this all it is? Just getting used to thinking of it differently? I'm trying to understand why denial would come in to play."

Hi Hodge -

In the past, when a doc or therapist would attempt to diagnose (i.e. BPD, GAD, etc), I would try it on for size to see if it fit. When it didn't -- they all felt like a shirt that just didn't fit right -- I would end up just wandering off from it and keep looking for what was really wrong.

With the CPTSD dx, it fit like a glove. And yet...after the initial huge sigh of relief, I find myself sort of wandering away from it in my mind ("Yeah, yeah, but what's really wrong with me?"). So I was wondering if it's simply habitual thinking patterns -- that I'm just used to searching -- and it just takes time to change that, or is it some sort of denial trying to assert itself. I just don't know.

Does that make sense?

-Dylan

P.S. My mother was my primary abuser. I rarely hear of that -- the mother being the abuser, so I appreciate you sharing it. In The Courage to Heal I think there was only one example of a woman whose mother was the perpetrator. I so strongly resonated with, I have this image sometimes of me almost like an animal, sniffing the air for danger, trying to watch every nuance, every move....I was convinced that she was going to end up killing me. Ugh. But anyway - thank you again for speaking about it.

Hi Dylan,

Now I get what you're saying about denial, thanks for clarifying. Maybe it's a combination of one or more of the possibilities you mention. Working it through with a therapist is likely to be somewhat fruitful on this end, anyway.

I was diagnosed almost three years ago, though I can see now that I had increasingly severe symptoms for at least three years before that. I didn't go to a therapist for those three years mainly because I just thought this was what it was like to go through menopause. That therapist said, um, no, this is not menopause; this is PTSD.

While I found some relief that there was a name for what I was going through and recognized myself in all the symptoms, it was like the shock of my life and I still have moments where I can't believe I have this, after all these years of "being normal." I find that I can no longer deny that I have this. But I did deny for many years that things that happened to me affected me and caused me to have recurrent episodes of panic attacks and depression all through my adult life.

I'm glad my writing about this helped, but I'm sorry your mom was your primary abuser. It's really hard when it's your mom. I guess in a way mine was, too, since she was the constant disturbing presence in my life. God, I so identify with your description of how you felt like an animal alert for danger. That was me when I was growing up with her. I also had times where I thought my mother was going to kill me. Big shudders. Anyway, yep, been there, done that. But I didn't get that darn T-shirt :)

Dylan,

This is one of the most perfect analogies I've heard for how I felt as a child growing up with my own mother. It brings about something even deeper, that primitive instinct we resort back to, and when you're a child growing up in that primitive environment, where all feelings are repressed for years upon years except that of fear, it is hard to train your mind to feel anything different as an adult, we end up knowing only how to survive.

And so, maybe this is part of your issue with happiness. Intellectually, you want to know what is "wrong" with you, but when the time comes to actually "feel" something about it (it referring to your dx), you don't know how and it becomes easier to "search" (like an animal does for food) than to accept, which ultimately and intellectually means you should then feel.

Does that make sense?

Best,
Rachel

Dylan,

I used to do this in the house that I grew up in. I still do it to this day. Never knowing when my father was going to be happy or raging made me very tuned in to every little thing. For me not to catch all the nuances, movements and facial expressions of people around me is abnormal to me now.

Also knowing where you were at all times, where the exits were and how to get out quickly unnoticed was essential as well. I read, when PTSD first came into my life, about a lot of suffers needing to know where everyone was in a room and where all of the exits were. It was not only a 'click' moment (made sense) for me, but it was one of those moments when I felt like 'You mean everyone doesn't do that?'

Lisa

I'm the same way, noticing where all the escape routes are, where everyone is, new people who enter . . . all of it. I also can't bear to sit with my back to doors or windows, except in places where I feel really safe. Don't get me going on how I have to search the house when I'm alone and come home from somewhere. Anyway, I have that same reaction now, Lisa: "You mean everyone doesn't do that?" :)

Wow Rachel, reading your post really hit home for me! Even though I've only just recently been diagnosed I've lived with my PTSD for years. I guess I just wanted to say Thanks for putting my feelings into words. (Sometimes this is a huge problem for me)

Jenn

Hi Dylan

I've had a similar problem as you - I haven't been able to find my mother in any of the books I've read on abuse. Like you say, there might be a token example of a mother being an abuser, but it's really hard to find anything substantial in the literature. I think that's one reason why I find online forums helpful - there are a lot more people who were abused by their mothers than you'd expect if you'd just read books like The Courage to Heal. And yes, I'm another one whose mother was abusive.

In terms of denial, how I see it is that it's quite common for those who had abusive childhoods to believe that they are defective/bad. It's a 'safer' belief when young than to face the reality that in fact the parents are dangerous and abusive. That can also get reinforced by the parents attitudes towards the child. It's very hard to shake that belief because it starts at such a young age and that's all that a child knows - they often don't know that things could (and should!) be different. I know it at an intellectual level but I haven't fully internalised and integrated it yet. Is that the sort of thing you mean, or have I misunderstood your question about denial?