"I think it makes sense, too - the connection between the dread and the trauma. I'm afraid that if/when I get it done, something bad will happen again, just like it did before."

Wow! Exactly how I feel. I am afraid that my safe place will be violated again if I DO clean up the house. I never thought of it clearly until I read your post. But that is it EXACTLY. It's like leaving the mail and dishes and laundry etc is a defense against being violated.
Thank you!
bustedflat

Bustedflat, I'm sorry you have this same problem, too, but thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. Like someone else said earlier . . . all I know to do is try to take it in baby steps. I also try to keep telling myself that good and bad things happen regardless of whether I get something done around the house, but it is so hard getting that message from the brain to the gut.

Thanks hodge, I can't even get to baby steps yet...if I make dinner it's a
great day.

I completed a baby step today! This morning I got all my hair stuff put into separate containers by type of hair thingy. Since then, I've been battling the fear that something will happen to "undo" my little accomplishment, like my husband will get mad at me or something equally unlikely. (Just remembered that my mom would sometimes undercut something good I did. Hmm.) In reality, what my husband does do is compliment me, telling me what I've done looks great, so I have to keep that in mind - I'm living with him, he's my family now, but - he's not my mother!

Anyway, then I moved onto starting a couple other little projects, in tiny baby steps, and I'm trying to push myself through the anxiety about it. This is something my therapist and I talked about yesterday. She said this is going to be uncomfortable, but to overcome it I have to push through it - but slowly, not to the point of making myself sick. Her advice: I need to keep talking to myself and try to stay in the present moment, assuring myself of where I am, who I'm with, that I'm okay and safe.

She's right about one thing: it ain't easy. But I'm doing it. I just have to remember not to overdo it, because that makes me crash really hard.

Awesome Hogde, way to go!!!!!!!

Push through, it's hard but what a victory for that moment.

Great job, hodge!! And remember, even those baby steps add up. Good for you and good for you that you're taking it slowly so you don't end up on your butt and sick.

Hugs
Lisa