I am new to the forum and recovering from childhood trauma, with my parents being the main contributors. So the stuff that sets me off and my responses are so old and deeply engrained I don't even realize when they kick in. I'm in therapy (again) and learning how to get out of autopilot, mainly by recognizing when I get into a distorted thinking pattern. The therapist said to look for 'big shifts' in my emotions, when I go from feeling OK to feeling really bad. And boy does that happen a lot...

I think it is significant that one of the ways I survived the actual trauma and did not completely disappear was that I fought back. Sometimes I went out of body too, but mostly I stood up to my parents and yelled back at them. I found (somewhat effective) family crisis help in the community and I ran away LOTS sometimes even with my dad chasing me down the street.

So the current scenario goes like this...

I ride my bicycle to work most days. I have flex time so I can ride during off peak hours and take back routes. It is really beneficial to my physical and emotional although I am very mistrusting of traffic and ride carefully.

Yesterday, I would have been hit by a car except that I anticipated her pulling out of the parking spot. Her window was open so I said "you didn't even look" and it went downhill from there and exploded into full-on road rage. She pulled in front of me and slammed on the brakes so that I almost hit her car. Then she followed me by driving slowing behind me (totally freaked me out) until I cut across the "bicycles only" passageway which she could not follow.

So here's what happens... after a fight/flight event such as this, I go into this downward spiral of feeling bad about myself. I would guess that it's my child's view that 'bad stuff wouldn't happen to me if I weren't so bad'. I started making globalizations like bicycling is too dangerous. If I hadn't 'mouthed off' at her, it wouldn't have escalated. I should ride a different route because if she sees me again she might mow me down. That I should have gotten her license plate. And then, that if I reported it to the police, I'd probably be the one who 'gets in trouble' because maybe she reported me first. On and on and on...

I turned it around into that it would be more likely that I would see her parked car one day and copy down her license plate and make an official 'road rage' report. And then I just force myself to stop thinking about it. So I'm starting to calm down today, a full 24 hours after it happened.

And the thing is that this is how I go through life. This is an easy one to tune into because it's not about relationships or dealing with people I know. Random stranger acts like a jerk and somehow it's all my fault.

Tuning into this is all very new to me. I'm hoping others out there have some perspectives to share - how to clue in to the emotional shift before the self-blaming starts.

Brella

Hi Brella,

Thanks for this topic. I am very familiar with this pattern within myself.

What has helped me is trying to develop what I have heard called an
"inner caregiver", "nurturing inner voice"....even an "inner parent" - but
since my parent was violent & abusive, that term doesn't work for me.

Sometimes now, especially when I'm not so symptomatic, I am able
to call up that "voice" within myself. When something has gone wrong
and, after the fact (especially if anger and/or rejection/criticism has
been expressed by the other person), I am starting to internalize their
judgments in my own voice, I call up that inner strong nurturing part.
Comforting, reassuring phrases come up like, "It's ok, you're ok", "You are NOT ____ (inserting whatever label or judgment the person has made)". Making my balance, comfort and off-loading the anxiety my priorities puts my focus on ME and OFF of them and their stuff (so I quit internalizing).

I think especially for those of us who learned to internalize abusiveness
this is a tricky proposition, but this development of an inner-caregiver
has helped me a lot.

Initially, I had to copy from an external model (it started out very much like the Little House on the Prairie mom, but evolved from there into a
stronger, more resourceful voice) since I had nothing from real life from which to copy/model.

The way I clue/tune into that it's happening is a familiar feeling of...hmm... I guess it's a mixture of abandonment, dejection and shame. It took me awhile to recognize it, and it still gets by me at times (but more when I'm symptomatic), but with practice AND the reward/good feeling of being rescued (by myself), comforted and valued helps reinforce the behavior/habit.

Anyway, yep, I can definitely relate and have to work on this a lot!

Congratulations on your success!!

-Dylan

Brella and Dylan,

Thank you both so much for this thread. I've been keeping an eye on it all day hoping to gain some insight on how to deal with this. I have been lost about this and could never articulate how I've been feeling.

I will start developing my "inner caregiver", "nurturing inner voice" immediately.

Sparky