Hello Everyone,

I'm new here and was diagnosed with CPTSD almost 2 weeks ago. Forgive me in advance as this post will be long.

Without getting into my issues in detail I will summize my challenges. I have quite an extensive background of physical,emotional,physocological as well as sexual abuse from my Mother and my Step father. I have suffered with panic attacks off and on throughout my childhood as well as my adulthood. I do not say this to gain sympathy( just to give background information)I would go into depressions and somehow make my way out of them; however this time I've been locked in severe anxiety and depression for 3 months. I got the courage to see a counselour and then went to see my doctor and he prescribed Lexapro, which I started today.

Obvouisly it won't help right away but I'm having a very hard time I felt semi normal this morning until about 2 pm (always seem to have anxiety starting at 2 and throughout the evening). I get severe anxiety, depression, nausea, diarreha(sorry) brain fog and a feeling of intense hopelessness. I also suffer with insomia (which I take Ambien for) and I can only eat one small meal a day.I live in the country and I can't get out a much because of finances and I know that thats not good. I would like to be able to deal with this no matter where I'm at. I find that I have alot of memories coming to me , most where I've made the poor decisions. I have an appointment again on the 16th of this month. I do talk alot to my significant other but I feel (and understandably so) that he is frustrated with me. I also feel bad because I don't want to burden him and I'm afraid that I will push him out of my life. I don't want to but there's just so much one can take and I think he's reached his limit.

I just don't know where to go from here, how to get out of this hole and see the light of day again. If anyone offer any advise or just simply relate I would greatly appreciate it.

With Much Thanks,

Michelle

I totally relate...I come from a similar background and then chose a crappy job to make my trauma complete. Same diagnosis also. My recommendation= breathe. really...just take some time, slow down and breathe. When you say "I find that I have alot of memories coming to me , most where I've made the poor decisions". You have to give yourself a break because we all made poor decisions. We were raised by people that made poor decisions.!!! I still fight that guilt and crap. But you need to work on calming the physical symptoms. Listen to music, take a walk, day dream, breatheeeeee. Such simple things really do help and I was queen skeptic when I started all this. My idea of fixing it was to push harder...work harder, argue more...whatever I could do to keep my mind off the crap. Dont get me wrong...I still ain't (as we used to say in the south) fixed but I can cope better now. That's a damn big improvement for me. Trust me...you'll be ok...it's worth the work.

HI Michelle and welcome to the forum.....

There is a section here for trauma diaries that you may want to explore, and possible start one of your own. They are very helpful for dealing with your trauma and emotions.

One of the things that struck me about your post.......(always seem to have anxiety starting at 2 and throughout the evening). I wonder if this is your body remembering your trauma and if 2pm and throughout the evening is when your abuse was most likely to have occurred as a child????? I say this because when I was in therapy I had insomnia for yrs. I could never get to sleep until around 3 am in the morning, and couldn't sleep for very long. My T and I worked on this issue and we came to the conclusion that at 3 am was when I was finally left alone, no one was bothering me, no abuse was happening and so I was finally able to sleep... It may be worth exploring......

Hi Michelle,

I definitely relate to your post.

I don't have any advice, but I can say that, being in a pretty bad place myself right now (I started working on some 'life review' exercises and am really getting hit with the pain of many of my adult decisions) and GA Yankee's suggestions really hit home for me.

Possibly coming out of the hyper-vigilance trait, for me, is this sort of eagle view...part of me cruises around at high-altitude, looking down on my life. This is my default position, to watch for danger. So when the part of me that is stuck here on the ground (in my present life) is in distress, I'm fractured. But to breathe, to take a walk, to be in the moment (as best I can) calms the physical symptoms and brings that 'eagle's eye view' part of me a bit closer to the present.

I don't know if this fits for you, but GA Yankee's description ("My idea of fixing it was to push harder...work harder") fits me to a "T", mainly because that's what I've done my whole life; I learned that if I didn't push, I'd never be able to leave the house and/or even pretend to be kind of like those "normies" out there! But, as my last episode and my counselor have pointed out: the 'muscling through' tool doesn't work so well with PTSD distress symptoms.

It sounds like you could use more support. Initial stages of recovery are kind of like being in intensive care; trying to go it alone is continuing that sense of being a prisoner in isolation, very like the isolation and helplessness experienced in the abusive situation. Marshalling resources and support is another way to empower and prove to that wounded part that I am NOT alone any more, that I DON'T have to wander alone down a desolate path any longer, that I, like any other human being, deserve support and care, not just from myself, but from others, as well.

-Dylan