I am trying to figure out if I want to move forward in uncovering some repressed memories. I'm not even sure if they are memories because they are so vague, and feel more like weird feelings.

With that said, I was hoping anyone here that had repressed memories and was able to uncover them could give me your thoughts about it.

1) If you had the choice would you have left the vagueness of the feelings alone, (or) are you glad you uncovered the memories and got definite details?

2) Once the vagueness left and you had the exact details because the memory returned, how overwhelming was it?

3) Was the vague feelings pretty much the same as the exact details? Also, did you find out more things happened to you besides just the vague feelings?

4) How did the memories come back to you? A little at a time, or some other method?

I recently had a memory of being at my uncle's house that triggered some uneasy feelings, but I cant put those feelings into words. Mostly just a butterfly in my stomach. I tried to force myself to remember which has caused severe depression and some real bad uneasy feelings every time I think about my childhood, whether it be bad, good or indifferent.

I've had several people tell me not to uncover the memories because they may be to painful. I think if I will myself not to think about it anymore (because I really don't know if it's true anyway) then maybe those weird feelings will go away. If they don't go away, do I have to know the details to get better?

I kind of just want to find out what happened NOW so I can deal with it and move on, but I'm sick of waiting on these little vague feelings. I also don't like having it in the back of my mind that my uncle molested me when I don't know if he did.

I'm thinking since I can't get the memories NOW then I want to put it out of my mind once and for all. It's taking up to much of my time wondering about it.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Tammy

I'm really divided on this. I don't have complete details, just more like a snapshot of time. Enough to know it's very bad and it's definitely real. One one hand, I am glad I remember them because it fills in my empty past a bit for me. I actually did exist before the age of 14! Whoo hooo. It kinda gave me a bit of a sense of being human, where before when it was a big blank I really felt not human (I wish I could explain that better.) Yet at the same time, it's very disturbing. It wasn't good times. It makes my past seem all the more darker. I think I view my childhood now with an even more negative slant because I know it's not just in my head. It really happened.

I didn't have vagueness of feelings, just a huge blank childhood. To me, I didn't exist before I was 14.

I have a few moments that seem relatively harmless and I find these are even harder for me to come to terms with. I don't know how this fits in with who I am.

Okay so that probably wasn't helpful.. lol

When the moment first hit, completely overwhelming. I would disassociate so bad, that the world wasn't real, I wasn't real and then freak right out going into a major panic attack. This would last about four to five hours. I would then be all screwed up from it for a few days. Then nothing. I completely disassociate myself from it. The memory is still there, but it's me seeing it as watching some other girl. I have a long ways to go to be able to handle these memories. My therapist has told me to just allow this process to work itself out and we will deal with me feeling the emotions and viewing the memories as my own, one step at a time.

Again, I didn't have vague feelings. I knew from others that my childhood sucked. But yes, once those floodgates are open there is no stopping it. I have found out way more than I ever wanted to know. On the other hand, I'm also starting to get occasional happy memories or neutral ones. So it's not all bad. As for finding out more than I wanted to know, I realize my brain is saying it's time you recognize and deal with this. So although emotionally I don't want to, part of me does. Again.. I'm very divided on all of this.

My memories have slowly been coming back to me for about ten years. I still can not account for more than a few days of memories in 14 years. I have found that something triggers it. I will be watching something and boom there it is! Some one may say something, I will hear something and it's just there. I have no control over it. I haven't found any method that makes them come on my bidding. They seem to come only when they want to. I am comfortable with this though. I'd rather have my brain hand me stuff when I'm ready for it instead of trying to force it. Also, since my memories are doing this all on their own, I don't have to worry about some therapy method that really suggested the memory. They have merit and I don't need to question if I was brainwashed.

I haven't read the rest of your post yet, as I wanted to answer your questions with a fresh perspective. I wish I could say this is all happy go lucky, but I can't. I've found that it's a journey in and of itself. Sometimes it's too much, sometimes I'm okay with it. Due to the fact that my entire childhood was wiped out, my definition of myself began in a very terrible set of circumstances. It shaped how I see myself and the world around me. Now that some of that big blank is being filled in, I'm often totally confused. Some times I wonder who the hell I am. Basically it leaves me with information that I'm not sure how to process or what this means to me. I hope to someday post that I have managed to figure this all out, but I suspect it will be quite a few years from now. I have a lot more work to do.

Now I'm off to read the rest of your post. I hope that helped some, although I really suspect it didn't.

All my best,
bec

I couldn't edit.. so.. if you google dissociative amnesia, you can find the wiki page on it. It explains it in detail along with therapy for it and a general idea of what you can regain.. :)

bec

1) If you had the choice would you have left the vagueness of the feelings alone, (or) are you glad you uncovered the memories and got definite details?

For me, I had a strong feeling that I was molested, when I was 6. I couldn't remember who did it, and for a long time, I thought it was my sister's father, but that never felt right, either. Then, as I was able to uncover some of the things that happened around that time, I realized it was my mother's psycho boyfriend. I don't remember a lot of details, more like a snapshot in time. I don't feel that I need to remember more than that.


2) Once the vagueness left and you had the exact details because the memory returned, how overwhelming was it?

Whenever I can fill in the blanks of my past, I consider it a good thing, even if the memories are very painful. I think it's necessary, to understand my issues. The memory is still somewhat vague, but I know it's real. I don't feel I need too much clarity, just to know how I was hurt, and who hurt me. It wasn't too overwhelming, because I suspected it all along.


3) Was the vague feelings pretty much the same as the exact details? Also, did you find out more things happened to you besides just the vague feelings?

I don't have a lot of details, I just know that I had had a bad dream, and wanted to sleep next to my mom. She put me between her and that creep, and he started touching me. I don't need to relive it any more than that.


4) How did the memories come back to you? A little at a time, or some other method?

There was a trigger. My sister's father has been very helpful to me, in recovering some of my forgotten past. I believe what he tells me, because he has always been very honest with me. When he told me what happened, from his point of view (the creep nearly killed him), it came rushing back to me. When I remembered it, the feelings of fear and revulsion came flooding back to me. Even now, when I think of it, I feel like that scared little girl again.

I don't remember the age I was, or even the doctor's name, but I figure that I was a teenager because when he molested me, I froze like a statue, and I remember him looking at me like he was puzzled at my reaction. I was having an eye exam, and he turned off the lights and used that hand-held instrument to look into my eye. When he was very close to my face, he used his other hand to feel of my breasts. I did nothing; I froze because that is what i had done all my life when i was molested. Eventually he stopped and I disassociated because I do not remember anything about where I was, who he was, or anything. I wish, as we all do, that I had screamed, used karate on him to break his arm, kicked him in the nuts, made him lose his license, something! But I was young and as most of us understand, I felt like he was in control and I had no voice. I was older than 40 before I had this memory come back to me.


1) If you had the choice would you have left the vagueness of the feelings alone, (or) are you glad you uncovered the memories and got definite details?

I am glad I do now remember because I am hypervigilant during eye exams now. Now I have a plan.

2) Once the vagueness left and you had the exact details because the memory returned, how overwhelming was it?

It overwhelmed me, and I feel anxious every time I go to get my eyes checked, or I choose a female doctor.

3) Was the vague feelings pretty much the same as the exact details? Also, did you find out more things happened to you besides just the vague feelings?

Alot more happened to met than just the vague feelings, but I never understood why I got high blood pressure during eye exams until that day a few years ago, when it all came back to me.

4) How did the memories come back to you? A little at a time, or some other method?

In a flash, everyhting came back at once.

I have been asked by more than one psychologist or doctor if I experience flashbacks. I don't. I experience single still photographs locked in my memory banks that mean very little - and yet, everything. I don't know what led up to the image and I don't know what part I played and I don't know what came afterward. Everything in my youth up to the age of 8 is in these fragmented still images as described. So far, nobody has been able to help me unlock these memories so I can get a clear idea of what happened, what parts I am missing and why my brain keeps shifting back to the images when I least expect it. I want to know all of it - good, bad or ugly. It may be the key to why I think the way I do, why I submit rather than lead, why I trust when I have been betrayed so very many times. I want to know every second of my life from birth to age 8. I remember everything from 8 on up. But I need to know more about me. Some day, maybe someone can help me unlock the mystery that was my life from birth to age 8.

Thanks everyone who posted on this topic. I'm still looking into dissociative amnesia and pondering everyone's responses.

I would like to hear more experiences from others if you have time.


Thanks
Tammy

Hey Tammy - yes, I've recovered memories from 40 years ago.

I didn't HAVE a choice; not a conscious one anyway. I was having panic attacks - and my MD forced me through a heart catheterization, to be sure I wasn't having a heart attack - before referring me to a therapist.

It took me about a year with the therapist before it ever really "came up"... I had conscious memories up to a single event - point in time. And slowly, I started to get the other memories back. I regained all of these working alone and then in my weekly session, we'd discuss the new material/content.

Because the memories came back slowly (over about 3-4 months) I was able to deal with the emotions that came with the memories... and it was STILL pretty intense; but you have the advantage of being able to tell yourself - "it's not happening right now". Plus, my T & I talking through things was something I could rely on... to give me some comfort. Because I'm so much older than I was THEN, I think it was also easier to understand my emotions and process them fairly quickly.

I have probably 95% of a chronology of the trauma I lived through. So some things are still vague... like a puzzle where some pieces are missing. But I have been able to theoretically reconstruct what happened; just don't have more than a snippet or two of memory to go on. Plus, I was dissociated (or drugged - not completely sure which) for probably 6-9 months following the original event.

As to whether to pursue blank places... or uneasy memories... I think we're all different here. For me, having those memories back meant I could finally - for the first time in my life - explain why I am the way I am. That was absolutely so valuable to me.

That started a second process, that I'm currently in - of reintegrating that piece of previously "lost" me - back into me. That's what brought me here today... but I really connected with your question and wanted to post.

I didn't feel I had any choice in the matter. There was no going after the memories, they just came when they wanted to. Usually something triggered them and only so much of the memory would surface or all of it would, I really had no control over it. What I did have control over was how I processed it. The first memories I had, I did not want to acknowledge. I shoved them out of my mind, told myself it wasn't real. It didn't work real well since my body for sure thought it was real.

ETA: ok, I misread your question. Uhhhh...let's see. I'm a much better person now, knowing my history than I was before. So, yes, I'm glad I've uncovered some of the memories. It helps me understand why my heart freaking goes biserk if some young guy is wearing a tight black t-shirt. Or why I hate the dentist, or why I'm such a control freak about my kids...etc. It also makes the small, daily things that seem so trivial to others like victories to us. And that's exactly what they are, victories. For a long time, I thought having a panic attack was such a stupid thing...that I was being wimpy, no strong enough, "get over it.." etc. But coming to find out that overcoming a panic attack and grounding myself afterward is a huge achievement.

I'm going to be honest here. Pretty damn overwhelming. I clung onto the belief that my mind was only letting me remember as much as I could handle. I do believe this is true if you let them come on their own timetable. It's hard to do since I felt I was in limbo all the time, just waiting for that crushing realization.... At times, I just wanted to "get it over with" but really, all you can do is open the door and wait.

For me, the vague feelings were miniscule to the actual memory. My vague feelings were like the stomach clenching feeling that something bad happened. When I first "experienced" the memory in true color, sound, feeling, and even smell, wow, it's a powerful knock to the senses. My memories gave a ton more information than the vague feelings.

A little at a time. Sometimes I would get just the second half and then after a while (usually the time it took to process it), the first half would surface. So, yeah, it can be confusing because it came out of order. Almost all of my memories had some sort of trigger. One of them was when I was playing pat a cake with my daughter and the slapping sound triggered a memory of being slapped. Another time, it was the combination of the smell and the sight of a hole in the ground of an outdoor bathroom that triggered a particularly bad memory. The first example was only a few seconds long, but it was at the beginning of my journey and I could only handle small bits and pieces. The second example was longer. In fact, it was the whole memory at once, but I was much further along in my journey and could handle more. Looking back at it now, I handled the "outhouse" memory much better than I handled the "slapped" memory. Does that make any sense?

I know this may be hard, but I say just let it be. I don't think actually going after the memories and digging will do any good. Instead, focus on keeping an open mind and what memories do surface, write them down as objectively as possible. I started keeping a memory log that had the date, time, trigger, the memory itself and how I felt about it.

I'm not sure. That's my answer...LOL. I still don't know all the details and I'm living life pretty well. I still have some huge memory gaps and I know there's more shit to surface, but it hasn't. My mind has only given me what I can handle, and so far, it's thinking that what it has cleaned out is good for now. When it feels it needs to do some more cleaning, I'll be ready to deal. It'll suck, but once the memories start to surface, I have to process or I'll stay in that terrible place of fear and uncertainty.

I'm pretty passive about this kind of thing...but one thing you have to remember: you've got to make it possible for them to come. Open the door to them. It's your history, no matter how ugly it is, it's yours. Embrace it. ((HUGS))

Thanks to everyone who has posted. It has helped me decide to continue searching, which is for the best because I'm getting memories now even though I haven't been looking for them.

I might be going off topic on this, but not sure? Here is my dilemma now. I have been having memories come at me every day now since this started, but they are not sexual in nature except for one.

I remembered spending the night at a friends house when I was about 6 years old and her brother who was about age 11 reached up my night gown and stuck his finger there (real fast)

I told my friend about it and she was mad at him. Then when I got home I told my sister about it. She laughed and said "He goosed you" then took off running to tell her friend this boy goosed me (They both had a crush on him) OK, that didn't traumatize me, but I didn't appreciate it either.

So why can I remember that incident so clear, and had no problem telling his sister and my sister, but can't remember any molestation from anyone else?

This is making me crazy because I believe the vague feelings of someone pressing their penis up against my butt and breathing heavy in my ear with alcohol on their breath happened. I just don't have any memory of it like the one where they boy goosed me, and I don't know who did it or how old I was? aaaahhhhhhhhhh

I guess I will start a journal on recovered memories and see if that helps me get some answers.

Thanks again
Tammy