:claps: You may not believe this.....I believe strongly that inside you somewhere there is a pool of courage!!! During your trauma event the feeling of the robber seemed far away as your body was disassociating from the absolute terror of the situation...it was protecting itself so you could function [ and you did by getting in the kitchen:thumbs-up ] Please don't beat yourself up because you didn't comfort your co-worker as he lay dying....your body was in shock!!!....You did the best that you could in that terrifying situation!!! You don't have to "punish" :hit-boss: yourself by putting yourself down that you weren't comforting him....I would suggest some deep breathing when these non-helpful thoughts pester you....I know with the death of my Uncle Glen...I was questioning myself with the "ifs"....and the "dids" [ Did he know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I loved him and other similiar thoughts ] I know I can't change the past but that's sometimes hard to let go of those thoughts...so I learned in a PHP to "let myself off the hook"!!! You are on your way to healing by sharing your trauma and pain!!! :kickass:
......wildfirewildone......KEEPING THE PEACE

You are doing great, just don't push yourself to hard. You are going to relive as you write a read. Take it slow and it will all come out. My heart goes out to you and all of you in my prayers. Like WF said you went on instinct, fight or flight... That is how you got stuck with this nasty condition, that was triggered and it gets "stuck". You had no control... You are alive for a reason, we have this for a reason, they were called back home for a reason. We may not know why yet, but there has to be a reason. That is what keeps me going. One day I will see the big picture, I just do not yet. I liken it to murals I used to paint. Standing close you never could tell what they were of, it looked messy. As I painted I knew what I was painting but could not see it as I was so close to it. Once I finished and stood way back a scerene backdrop was before me and all the mess came into a beautiful picture, all the mess I saw up close was all of a sudden a very different thing once I got through with it and was able to step back and look.

Sorry, if I don't make sense, I am not feeling well put together tonight.

Makes sense to me veiled.

Miander, you are doing awesome. Be very good to yourself in the next few days. Take breaks, spoil yourself some. And, the narrative is just fine. You're getting it out....don't worry about what it sounds like. I'm just glad that it is flowing from your mind and heart down through your fingers onto the screen. You are doing great....

Miander, did you know that you actually have no control over fight, flight or freeze within your body? The adrenal gland sits atop of our kidneys, and pumps either adrenaline or noradrenaline directly into our kidneys. The adrenaline gives us the hyperalertness for fight and flight. The noradrenaline sends our bodies into the freeze motion. Our nervous system controls the adrenal gland, and without control what so ever from ourselves, our body takes over before we get a chance to respond ourselves.

What happened to you in regard to freezing within the situation, is your adrenal gland automatically pumped noradrenalin into your kidneys, which makes people have little, to no control over their movements or being. Some people say they go into slow motion, where everything around them is like watching a slow motion replay, others get an overwhelming freeze response, where movement is limited, if not completely restricted to nothing at all.

You see, nothing you could or could not have done, actually has no impact onto you yourself, because your nervous system told your adrenal gland to pump noradrenalin into your kidneys to make you freeze. The body does this under certain conditions to protect itself. Yes, we do have a self protection system built into us, and this is it. Fight, flight or freeze.

The same is said when adrenalin is pumped directly into the kidneys, where people who are injured badly can suddenly walk long distances to get themselves help, or provide increased energy burst and pain management to fight for survival, and so the list goes on.

What you need to know though Miander, and please remember this, you had no control over your freeze motion, and I mean no control. Your body took over for self protection, and your body made the right decision, because here you are to talk about it.

Anthony - now that my shuddering cries have reduced themselves to adrippy snivel, I am composing a reply to your post. After I read what you wrote, I found myself in hysterical sobs, so unexpected and all-consuming. I know that as I have been doing this diary and reading other peoples posts I have become more sensitized, but I never would have imagined the impact of your words. I thought that my guilt over Scott's lonely passing had subsided, but in reality it had only been pushed far down inside me...I want you to know how much your clinical explanation helped lift some of the weight I didn't realize I was continuing to carry. Thank you so much for that - I know there are so many people that you have helped in this way and continue to help. In my eyes, that makes you a Saint (I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable, just take it as a compliment).

Compliment accepted... and thank you. Many people feel guilt associated to fight, flight or freeze, and carry that guilt because they think they could have done something differently if only they thought about it and so forth; when in actual fact, they had little to no control over what their body was going to do at all... they just don't realise it, hence why people carry that burden of guilt with them until they know the actual facts of what their body did to them without their cognitive input or decision making. The decision was made sub-conciously by the brain, without any further input.

I guess I froze as I entered the kitchen and saw Scott and Al because after I asked Al if he was ok, I felt the sharp stab of a gun barrel shoved in my back and a loud, angry voice telling me to move on bitch. I edged forward to make room for the two customers, my busboy and the other two gunmen. I think I was afraid of touching Al, like if I did, I would get shot too (more guilt). We were all herded into the huge walk-in refridgerator, where we all turned to face our killers. The large door was slammed in our faces and all we could hear was the moans of pain from Al (who was now on the floor of the fridge), our own stiffled breaths of terror, and the fan from the fridge. My busboy was busy behind me, when I turned to look, I saw that he had moved big buckets of salsa from the shelf and was crawling to the back of a shelf. It was so surreal watching him do that, I don't think he would have heard me if I had said his name. Suddenly, the door opened

and I think I stopped breathing. I remember squeezing my eyes shut and waiting for the bullets to come. Instead I felt a large warm body and I grabbed it and put it between myself and the door. That is also a huge guilt trip for me, I know I put that person between myself and the door because I thought his body would protect me from the bullets I was waiting for. It was one of our cooks, Anthony, and he let me do it. He just stood there and whispered comforting words to me as I gripped his body with every ouce of strength I had left - comforting me as I held him in harms way.

Miander, you did not hold him in harms way. The gunmen put everyone in harms way. It was not you, it was them.

Nam hit it on the head Miander. The gunmen are the only one's who put anyone in harms way. Any person within the presence of them was in harms way.

If the gunmen wanted to kill you all, they would have. Nothing you could or could not have done would have changed that if they had already established this before entering the restaurant. You lived because you posed no immediate risk to those holding the gun.