It wasn't until much later that I found out what had happend, as we waited to die in the fridge. As the crooks were going through the safe, one of them had decided to look around the kitchen a little more. That is when he saw the two cooks that were hiding behind the line. I guess he tried to spray them with bullets, but his gun jammed. That's when he pistol whipped them and threw them into the fridge with the rest of us.

I have no idea how long we all were in there. Al was on the floor of the fridge with his head in the woman customer's lap, slowly fading. I can't remember who initiated it, but we all decided that they must have left and we had to get help for Al. I don't remember much except for running to the office, seeing the havoc there and trying not to touch anything except the phone. The 911 operator's voice sounded shocked as she repeated the info I somehow managed to relay to her, I know my hand gripped the phone like steel and when I saw the police round the corner with their guns drawn and my own fear mirrored on their faces, I realized that it was finally over.

They made me walk by Scott's body again to exit the kitchen. The pool of blood hide widened so much, I knew he had bled to death as we cowered in the fridge. The coroner was already there, zipping his body into a bag with no ceremony, no tenderness. The sight of this resonates in my head even now.

As we walked past the bar, I saw my drink sitting on the still - condensation made a pool of water around the glass's base, Al was not in pain when he made that for me, how long had it been sitting there? I grabbed that drink and brought it with me to the table where the detectives interviewed me for an hour straight. I don't remember calling my coworker, but there she was, behind the yellow tape that encircled the front door now, calling my name with tears in her eyes.

You did great Miander, because your alive. The human mind is not made to encompass or suffer these type of life stresses without damage. Your reaction now is a normal one too an abnormal stressor.

I hope you don't take offense to me adressing you by your initials, but your name is long and my time is short :rolleyes: Thanks for your post and welcome to the forum! It is really hard getting this stuff down, but I've found for me personally, it's like getting a huge weight off my shoulders. It's also nice to do it here because there are so many people that can relate to me and my PTSD - I feel safe telling it like it is. I hope to see more posts from you, you seem very sensitive and caring.

Anthony - thanks for your input too. You have this great way of stating things in a factual manner that is calming. I was wondering: I have had some other traumas that have been bothering me...If I decide to post them, should I do that on this thread or do I start a new one?

Miander, your welcome. Tack them on here, or you can put them within the private trauma diary if you don't want the public seeing them, or use the PTSD only group, so only those with PTSD can see and provide you feedback.

But yes, if your going to just post them publicly, just continue on with this one, keeps it easy for everyone with only one... nice and central for easy reference.

Miander, Iv'e seen too many crime scenes like the one you describe. I too seem to describe them like I was reading out of a book. Anthony's hit the "Fight, Flight'Freeze" right on the numbers. I've seen seasoned police vets run away, freeze or jump right into the fight and wonder later why they did it. I think your doing great and your right Anthony knows his stuff.

It has been a while since I have been to this diary. I know it is because I am so tempted to continue to fill it with all the terrible traumas I need to let go of. I chose the title for this entry because today at Easter I saw my parents and we all had a family Easter brunch. I really love to see my parents with my girls, it makes me feel really good - almost happy. That is, until I think about how they have continually failed to support me emotionally. After the shooting happend and I forgot how to take care of myself, my parents wouldn't let me move back home. I remember when it happend vividly (unlike most event of this time), and it still fills me with dispair. Could you imagine loosing a good friend in a terrible thing like a triple shooting and going into full blown PTSD and reaching out to your own mother for help, only to have her tell you sorry, we just don't have room in our mansion for you??? Family get togethers always lead to me thinking about that and then I get really pissed and depressed and why the f*** do I still so desperately want them in our lives?!

Why? Because blood is thicker than water, thats about why. Its easy to cut of friends (water), not so easy to just forget family (blood). People sometimes think that just cutting family off is the answer, to only find that they then suffer more emotional pain and turmoil for their actions to removing family from their life. Talking is often the answer, though that requires two people, an active discussion, and keep yelling out, and respect one anothers opinions.

I've been trying to reach out to people in different ways recently and one of those ways has lead me to my old boarding school (high school, freshman year). I was such a troubled child that my parents sent me to boarding school for my freshman year of high school. What a mixed bag that was. Part of me felt abandonded and alone but another part saw it as a great opportunity to meet new people, start fresh in a new state. I think for a lot of people who go to boarding school, it ends up being a life forming time and you really make some of the best friends you will ever have. I know for me it was that, but it was also so much more. My first traumatic event that wasn't family related happend there, which eventually ended in me being hospitalized. I was 13 when I started my freshman year, realtively inexperienced with drugs and sex, but I considered myself to be a vetran at both. I remember the very first night I ended up chugging Everclear straight from a bottle to impress my new friends/roommates - what a mistake that was! For those of you who may ot know this, Everclear is grain alcohol, I believe it is 191 proof (it has been I while since I have enjoyed this particular spirit), and it caused me to hyperventilate! Not a good thing when you're on school grounds, breaking curfew with a bottle of grain alcohol! Needless to say, almost every night was spent chasing one high or another.

I recently returned from San Diego, we were at a family reunion (my husband's side) and I had a breakdown. First let me say that traveling with three small children is no small feat, especially flying. Even though it was a short flight, I have anxiety issues about flying and I also worry about the germs, I am such a freak about everything! Anyway, we didn't die in a fiery inferno and nobody highjacked the plane. We all had to get up at 4 am to catch our fight, after falling asleep somewhere around 1:30 am, couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about the trip. So even though it was "uneventful", I was exhuasted by the time we reached the house we were going to stay for the four days we were there. That night, we had a formal dinner to go to, along with around 250 other people. The dinner was at a Naval Base, next to the air strip, so every time a jet took off, I was freaking ducking - I must have looked so funny. I don't do well in social situations, even when it's with people I know. This, was pure panic for me. Thank goodness I had a baby to cling to because otherwise, I know I would have ran out the door, much to everyone's indifference. The funny thing about my PTSD is it seems to give me audio hallucinations. I think I hear things that are probably not being said, trouble is, no one else hears it so how can I prove otherwise. There was also a picture booth set up so everyone could take photos. Great for people who aren't freaking out on the inside and feeling like an alien and everyone is staring at and talking about. I am so scared that in the family photos I am going to look like the psycho I feel like - ****! Don't even get me started on the BBQ the next day!

Miander, you have found all your negatives from your trip... what about the positives?