i am an abuse survivor. i was diagnosed in 03 after finally seeking treatment. i always thought it my diagnosis was arbitrary. i suffer from depressive symptoms, had bouts of bullemia (still do from time to time) and was diagnosed with IBS/ Crohn's which i think is common among PTSD survivors.

My mother was mentally ill, sadistic, and egocentric. She did not like having to share attention with a child. I was beaten, neglected, and verbally abused for 16 years. She heard voiced that told her to punish me, had exorcisms on me and told me i was evil since i was 5. she'd abandon me at stores, school, parks. she kick me out of a car while we were on the interstate when i was 7. i waited for 20 minutes for her to come get me on an interstate median, she threatened suicide for ten years and told me she wanted to kill herself b/c of me. i was told i was fat, ugly, stupid. i was mentally ill. she had my father beat me when she couldn't hurt me anymore. social serviced came when i was 10 to respond to bruises i had at school. my father punched me in the head and told my mother to call the police and get me because he thought he might kill me. they hated me, they said.

i have a brother and a sister. they were abused too but i got the brunt of it. they have all ignored my entreaties to get the family help. i haven't spoken to my family in 7 years. the last i heard my mother was hospitalized for psychosis. i tried to reach out to my family again and told them she needs help. nobody responded and they all ignored me. she recently sent me a box with all my baby pictures, old letters, and diplomas - everything they ever owned of me. she even sent letters and picture i made her when i was little. i have always harbored some sense of guilt ('am i overreacting,' 'was it really that bad,' maybe i am evil') when i saw photos of myself as a little girl i was overwhelmed. i was such a sweet looking kid. i'm 31 and i'm getting to a place where i think about having kids. i see pictures of myself and think 'my mother was so lucky, what a beautiful little girl'

it's hard to explain my life to people. i am relatively successful and outgoing. i'm smart. i live in NYC and have a lot of friends. most people have insane families, but when i explain mine suddenly everyone stops. i am good at hiding my past...sometimes. sometimes i cry for no reason, beat myself up (figuratively), and can't leave the house for a few days. i get physically sick when the thought of seeing them comes up, irritable, and angry. the reality is i have always held the door open for my family. i have always tried to make it better. i even found a therapist for my mother to go to 5 years after we stopped talking. she stopped going when i said i wanted her there at least once a week. after all that's how often i go and i at least realize i have a problem. i guess i have a really hard time admitting to myself i'm ok. after 17 years of abuse, i still look in the mirror and think i'm old, i'm ugly, i'm desperate. i wish i could remember at all times that this is a distortion. i'm applying to PhD programs in the fall. i graduated at the top of my class in undergrad. i spent 10 years working with celebrities in NYC. i've done a lot to convince myself i'm a capable person. but as soon as i get distracted by something i forget.

my therapist told me to carry the pics of me from when i was a kid in my pocket. i wish i could turn that voice off.

Welcome to the forum. Here you can ask and get much help. There are
wonderful people who understand and will help.

Welcome to the forum! I am a survivor too, of similar circumstances. I stopped talking to my family years ago too because they were too mentally ill to support me emotionally. This forum is great for us.

Welcome to the forum I hope that you can find people on here that will be of some help. There is a lot of great info on here.

Thank you for sharing some of your story. I'm sorry you experienced such a traumatic childhood. I can relate in some ways. Glad you're here.

Welcome to the forum. I have some of the same issues you do. I hope you find some peace.

Hi Talia, I just came across your post and having read so many and not feeling like I am the same as anyone here, I was starting to feel like I didn't belong. Although our stories are different, they ring true in so many ways. I too come from an abusive background. I suspect my mother has some type of mental illness yet that just may be me hoping so that at least there is a reason for the abuse.
Anyway, I digress....reading your post brought back a lot of the same feelings you talk about; looking at pictures of you as a child, being successful, wondering if you were a bad kid....all things I can certainly relate to. I am 40 now and have 2 young children, and know that you can really stop that cycle.

I am nothing to my children that my parents, correction, my mother was to me. I make a daily conscious decision to be the best parent I can be for them so that they grow up to be happy, healthy productive members of society. My eldest son just turned 12 and is such a great kid, so I know it is possible to come from an abusive upbringing and have great kids. Don't give up on that.

Thank you for your post, again, you made me feel comforted.

Annie

Welcome to you as well. There seem to be many of us that are new. I believe this is one of many places to help us begin our paths to healing.

I can relate to some of that as well. Hugs!

Bette