Hi!

My boyfriend (maybe ex now...not sure) has PTSD. I have tried to be understanding and supportive, offering him space and time whenever he needs it. But of the three times he has needed it, he has never asked for it, he shuts down and blocks me out, I have had to drag it out of him that he just needs to take some time for himself. Recently he showed anger and disgust towards me being in his life, when that morning he was thankful I was there expressing how much he cares for me. I had to again drag it out of him what was going on, and that giving him space is ultimately the only thing I can do. I feel hurt and anger at the way he has treated me, and I am just looking for some understanding on why he treated me so poorly, and if there is any reasonable hope at making this work, and if so how do I be there for a man that doesn't want me there during these episodes.

Thanks

Hi Mar..

Welcome to the forum....Shutting people out tends to be a way that we cope. It isn't one of our better coping skills, but one that we do tend to use. It's just easier sometimes to shut people out than to have to bother going through the emotional process of thinking/explaining why, and sometimes it is strictly survival mode for us.

It must be awful to be on the other end of it, never knowing why, or when it will happen. I'm sorry that it has happened to you yet again... Yes space is what he probably needs and wants, but can't verbalize it, so he shuts you out. Give him the time, but don't allow him to be abusive towards you as that behavior is not acceptable ever.......

Hopefully things will calm down for him and you.....

Welcome to the forum Mar30 If you are looking for support this is definitely the place to be!! Threre is a wealth of information and people on here that are more than willing to help. Let me start off by saying that I kinda know what you are going through. About 3 1/2 months ago I became a carer for my boyfriend who has been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, depression, and TBI (traumatic brain injury). He is an OIF Veteran. He was diagnosed approximately 3 years ago.


I have learned that people diagnosed with PTSD sometimes use this as a coping mechanism. That's the only way they know how to go about things. They often don't know how to show or express their feelings. And simply they just shut down. And being on the other end of this makes you feel horrible. Like they don't appreciate the things that we do for them. I know that my boyfriend doesn't tell me he appreciates the things that I do for him all the time, but I know in my heart that he does. Even though he might not be able to express that to me.



I have learned that PATIENCE is the thing to have. But in the mean time you need to set boundaries for yourself. You need to think hard about the things that you are willing to accept and the things that you are not. Your number one priority has to be you and your health. This is his illness and you can't let it effect you! There is hope that your relationship with your boyfriend can work. You need to find a common ground with him. Communication is something that definitely needs to be in play.

Here is an example of something that I do:

As I don't live with my boyfriend.. But when I get home from work I always call him. And by calling him I can tell what kind of mood he is in. That's how I decide if I go to his house or just stay at home. Because if he is having a bad day we just take the night off. I give him that space that he needs. And I always tell him that I will just talk to him the next day. Even though he never says that he appreciates this, I know that he does. Sometimes you just need that time to yourself.

Also, you need to find an outlet. You shouldn't be dealing with this on your own. As this will take its toll on you. I am not necessarily saying to discuss this with your boyfriend. Find someone you can confide in. The person that I turn to is my Mom. I tell her almost everything. But that's what keeps me balanced.

It's definitely hard when they shut you out. I know all about that. It makes you feel like crap. All I can tell you is to decide if you are willing to accept his illness and try to hang in there and work on this with him or maybe you will have to go separate ways. My boyfriend has made me promise him that if things get to a point where I don't think that I can handle our relationship anymore then to let him know. For me not to stick with the relationship just because of him or being afraid of what might happen. He tells me all the time that if something does happen to us and we decide not to date anymore than we will definitely remain friends!! And he holds a special place in my heart and if things don't work out for us relationship wise then I would still want him in my life as one of my best friends.

I hope that this helps. Just know there is a lot of useful information & support here. I know that I was glad to find this place.

sometimes I wonder if I love my wife. this scares me. I know I do but there are times I just don't feel it. rescently I realized that this was a combination of depression and that the way I've dealt with the PTSD it to stuff feelings away. at some point you just stop feeling anything love, joy, sadness, ect.

that he was so remorseful the next day suggests to me that he is struggling in a similar way. in other words been there done that ;)