Question Is It a Bad Idea to Date a Recovering Alcoholic?

nic · #1 22-08-2008, 01:25 PM

I decided to write this in the general chat area because it could apply to anyone.

There's a guy I like and may want to date. We have a lot in common, and his values really seem to square with my own. However, he is a former alcoholic. He is sober now, and no longer drinks at all. (or at least that is what he says) He seems to be pretty open and honest about everything, however, and I really appreciate and admire that. I don't have a lot of experience with alcoholism, though, and I'm wondering if it would be a bad thing to start a relationship with this guy, (especially considering my own issues with the PTSD).

2quilt · #2 22-08-2008, 01:34 PM

I would not write him off completely because of his past alone. After all, would you like it if rejected you because of something you did in the past, when you were young and stupid? All of us are in that category. Everyone has regrets.

I would take it slowly because you don't know him well, but I dont see anything wrong with having fun with someone new. If you feel more red flags coming up, then do what your gut tells you to so.

I have family members who are alcoholics; they are compulsive liars and manipulators. Not all recovering alcoholics are that way. I hope you have fun and learn more about each other.

Mina · #3 22-08-2008, 03:06 PM

Hmmm. The big question is, how long has he been sober?

If his sobriety is relatively new, I'd stay away. He'll probably be struggling somewhat, and although it's nice to want to be supportive, putting yourself in that position is potentially very detrimental to you (with or without PTSD).

If he's been sober for a while, really seems to be sticking with it, and already has a good support network in place, go for it. I know several former alcoholics/addicts who are amazing people.

To me, the fact that he's open about his past and present is positive. And as 2quilt said, listen to your gut, and don't ignore any red flags, whatever you decide.

rallynut78 · #4 22-08-2008, 03:09 PM

I know a lot of people in recovery. most have been quite successful in staying sober. I agree that it's not a disqualifier but just something to be aware of.

the only thing I would add to what 2quilt said is that sometimes folks that are really involved in AA (dont know if your friend is or not) can be difficult to have a friendship with because the "program" becomes their life and if you're not in it then they have a tough time relating. that's my personal experience and certainly not true for everyone.

Mina · #5 22-08-2008, 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rallynut78

the only thing I would add to what 2quilt said is that sometimes folks that are really involved in AA (dont know if your friend is or not) can be difficult to have a friendship with because the "program" becomes their life and if you're not in it then they have a tough time relating. that's my personal experience and certainly not true for everyone.

I've heard that as well, that it's almost like being really involved in a religion, and if you're not - you don't get it. My sister is a recovered alcoholic/addict...she quit both cold turkey one day over three years ago and hasn't touched anything since. She went out with a recovered alcoholic who's been in AA, and said it was like they were from different planets.

joyfull · #6 22-08-2008, 05:49 PM

One thing to think about is that many alcoholics (in or out of recovery) have by nature of their disease often placed themselves in dangerous situations and have experienced many traumas or traumatic events themselves. Ones in recovery if they are "really working the program" have to adhere to a life of accountability and rigorous honesty as well a self searching not often seen in the general public. It is good to let the alcoholic get recovery under their belt (like a year or so) before dating them because they still have a lot to work through. Many of my friends are recovered alcoholic and I find them honest, reliable, kind and lots of other wonderful things. But it really depends on the individual just like anybody else.

She Cat · #7 22-08-2008, 09:45 PM

Nic,

I have been sober for quite awhile now, and would never drink again. I did it cold turkey. I have dated men that have quit and they were sober drunks. Not a great thing to be.

I guess some others have voiced my thoughts too.

How long has he been sober???

Is he in AA?? They can be hard to deal with.

I guess the bottom line is this.....If you are asking for thoughts and opinions on this guy, it seems to me that you have questions/doubts yourself, otherwise you would just go for it. Possibly something your *gut feeling* is telling you and you are questioning?????? If that's the case, my thoughts are , LISTEN to your gut feeling.... If not the case then go have fun....

Lucy Loo · #8 23-08-2008, 02:56 AM

Recovering alcoholic here. I agree with what others are saying regarding the question of how long he has been sober. Newly sober, he's got a lot on his own plate to be dealing with.

Just a couple of things to add -

- there is no such thing as "just one drink" if he's truly an alcoholic; alcoholics don't stop at just one... so if he says, "i'm gonna just have one", it's a giant red flag (if he does stop at one, he may be hiding his other drinking).

- don't ignore any red flags; they are an indicator that things will probably get worse

- while it is possible to have a "slip", one night of drinking and then back into sobriety, one night of drinking can also just as easily lead back to full blown drinking behavior, so it's important to know this if it happens.

Good luck!

Alicia · #9 23-08-2008, 03:15 AM

I've been reading this thread and it is quite interesting. I am a recovering alcoholic and my psychiatrist does NOT want me to attend AA due to my PTSD. He feels that the environment there would be detrimental to my treatment for PTSD which really is the underlying cause of my prior alcoholism. So my concern for you would be that if you get pulled into his "AA world" it may harm your recovery. I don't know, I'm not a doctor, just putting out my thoughts.

Take care,
Alicia

nic · #10 25-08-2008, 03:02 AM

Thanks for all the replies. It turns out he wasn't for me. He kept binging up the AA thing--you were so right--but even w/o the alcoholism thing, we just didn't click.