I thought I knew how to handle this after finding this forum last month. I felt him start to "leave" and I stepped back and let him have some space. When he didn't answer the phone on Sunday, I knew we were at that dark place again. I gave him his space, told him that I would be there when he was ready and I got the "your unconditional love is smothering me and I'm ready to bolt" line.

I should say that he was diagnosed with PTSD about 10 years ago but the VA didn't offer any treatment. He has recently (Feb) started treatment and his worst days are those spent with the therapist. He usually steps back and deals with it as he has never talked about his experience with me.

It happened again today. He couldn't get in to see the therapist when he needed him as he was booked up and then going on vacation. I still gave him his "alone time". Today- he's confusing the crud out of me! He wants to make our relationship platonic. I asked if he was breaking off the relationship or if he wanted to hang out like buddies. He then told me that I was pushing. Dang.. my mistake! I tried so hard not to push him into a corner but everything that I said before that seemed to be twisted into something negative. How do I tell him that I will be here without his feeling pushed? We've been on- then off- then on- and now off- for almost a year. He won't tell me that he doesn't love me. It's like he's pushing me to break up with him and gets angry when I don't. I should say that he doesn't tell me this in person... I get it via email.

I know.. it's all part of the big ptsd picture... but how do I salvage this? He means so much to me. When he is "here and in the moment" we have a beautiful relationship. We "get" each other.

Sigh... I wouldn't put up with this behavior from anyone else but I've made allowances for the disease. It would break my heart to walk away.

Hi
I understand the would break your heart to walk away, in that situation my self, I still adore my ex he is a loving, affectionate georgous fella when he is having good days, all I can give you is my experiance but all PTSD sufferers just like the people who care for and love them are different in each and every way. I have been pushed away, pulled back in and pushed away again so many times, a few weeks ago things came to a head but with a conflicting conclusion I was told to go live my life find someone nice! boy did that hurt but also told I was still loved but he couldn't stand hurting me so much... Wow prior to that I really thought I got the symptoms, but I hadn't realised how me hurting was affecting and stressing him, even though I did all the step back things and the no show I'm hurting bits he saw straight through me! anyway a few words were exchanged and we didn't speak for a few weeks but we are back in touch again and things are getting slightly better, two steps forward one step back, baby steps but I do see tiny tiny improvements ( and believe me they are tiny! ) and now if he goes quiet I leave him be just send a message every now and then about anything and every thing, he will open up when he is ready. I suppose what I'm saying is on your own you can't salvage this its his battle , you can be there but you can't fix it, what you need to think about is this is a very long road it will over time with treatment get better but its a lifes comitment ( sorry if that sounds hard ) You have to think about and look after you first, work out if you really want this for the rest of your life. I wish you all the best x

Hi,

Do I really want the life committment of being pushed back and forth? That is so hard to answer. In dreamland the therapist would help him deal with it all within a year but I know that may bot be the case. I know he needs the tools to live with the disease but I also think that he thinks it will suddenly get better one day. I know that isn't that case but I'm not going to be the one to tell him. If we manage to get through this episode, I will count my lucky stars. I would do almost anything for this man. He hasn't been "himself" for a long time but he is strong and I have faith that he will find a way sooner or later. I just hope I can hang on that long.
The hardest part is staying away and not trying to help him. It comes so naturally to me that it feels like I'm helpless and I detest that feeling. I am glad of one thing though. I haven't heard the "I don't love you anymore" line like so many others' have. Of course, "this is for your own good" isn't too comfortable either. It's so complicated but the days and weeks that go by where we are carefree and so enthralled with each other... I miss that!
I was a bit down this afternoon... wondering if all of this was for other reasons... he isn't attracted to me anymore... he wants someone different.. etc. The mind just keeps looking for a reason. But, I have to keep my faith and know that I'm on this road for a reason.. I'm tied to this man for a reason.
Thank you Fallen... hugs, woman!

Hallo there .Just thought I would give some encouragement to you. Although you have found a forum that deals with PTSD, knows PTSD and can
say many many great helpful things, dealing with it does not come with a snap of the fingers. I am not saying you thought that. I would just like to let you know that dealing with a PTSD sufferer differs for every body.

Even though you are aware of trying to be there and help your BF, what you must learn,& learn quickly, is that YOU are more important than your BF. If your relationship is not balanced, it is no good for either of you. Letting him have space is OK. But give yourself every bit of encouragement. Don't wear
yourself out, no matter how noble your thoughts.
Be strong as you can, learn to go with changes. Just be yourself, strong
.

Thank you for the encouragement. Being myself... sometimes I can be quite impulsive which isn't a good fit in this equation. I find that I have to reign myself in at times and it frustrates me. I've recently decided that taking a deep breath and just getting through the day without contacting him (on his dark days) is the best thing that I can do for both of us. It's hard as I fall asleep with him on my mind and wake up the same way.

This is the first weekend we'll spend apart in a while.. and it's a long one.. so I think I will just take care of my yard, do my school work (back in college after many years) and hope that he gets through the dark days ok.

Hugs

Ciao

DLadi

I have had all the same fellings you have about looking for a reason so so many times, I cannot comment on you BF cause I dont know him but you have to trust your instinct, if you believe he is being honest and all this is because of the PTSD then you should try to put all the other possible reasons away, or you will just torture yourself and end up making yourself feel more down. There is no magic quick solution to this believe me if I ever find a magic wand that works i will pass it on to you when i'm finished with it lol. The waiting to see a responce or even the slightest improvement is the hardest bit I find, its so frustrating and for a very long time I din't understand the not speaking for days as he was thinking something over! I would push for an answer and that was the worst thing I could have done, but have come to accept it, although that hasn't happened for a while so thats a good sign. I think most people who love someone with PTSD must have those Hopeless feelings you talked about, me included, we want to make it better and care for them. I know my ex knows i'm still there for him and I know that helps him and I am sure your BF knows you are there too. I hope your weekends has some sunshine in it x

Hugs. Hard to say much, only you know what to do here. Above all else, don't let his PTSD destroy you. Only you know that line and only you can decide what's OK in your life and what's not based on your particular needs. I've been diagnosed with PTSD since childhood, worse now and it has taken much research, reading, relearning on my own as well as with therapy to make it this far. It is a battle that doesn't end it seems. I told my boyfriend not to tolerate me treating him anything less than the amazing man he is and I give him tools I've figured out on how best to deal with me when I get in bad places, especially when sex comes in. HUGE amounts of triggers there and panic sets in easily. bless his heart, he is so in love with me and attracted to me and has to be so gentle to express it in a physical way. His patience and love, understanding has been such a blessing to me. I feel safe with him. I do have plenty of times I pull away, sometimes just for moments, sometimes longer. He lets me and I try as much as I can to let him know I still care in small ways I can when I'm in a bad place...and then I come around, wake up and wonder where I went and for how long I was there, hoping i didn't hurt the most caring, genuine person I've known in this world. He's always still there. He does research on this as well, read on this site. It touches me that he's done that to a huge degree. Hugs to you, bless you for loving someone in pain, touching their life, but always remember a person has to help themselves, others are just dessert (chocolate?) that helps ease the pain a bit for us, not the cure.

Hi Cyndi,

Huge kudos to you for equipping your bf with the tools to help you both through your dark moments. This site has given me so much more patience than before. Spending a weekend alone, not knowing if he was ok would drive me crazy in the past. This weekend has been much better and since I'm not bugging him by calling, I'm sure he feels a bit better as well... at least he isn't getting stress from me by worrying about my feelings, etc.

I sent this website to my bf in the beginning of the week and I hope he has the strength to explore it. He may not be ready to expose himself by reading through anything right now.

Hugs back at ya!

Hi FallenAngel,

I made a little sunshine yesterday. I had bought stuff to make chilli before he fell into his dark days. I made it anyway and brought it over to his house yesterday morning. I called ahead but he didn't answer the phone, which didn't surprise or worry me. He has his boys with him this week so I knew that they were all at home. I drove over and knocked on the door . When it wasn't opened right away, I left the bag dangling on the door knob. He called after I left his house and said that I didn't wait at the door long enough and the boys watched me drive away. I've never heard that tone in his voice before. He's usually so jovial and light hearted. He sounded tortured and there was such anger behind it all. I didn't take it personally. I apologized and turned around and drove back for what I called "a boy hug". I knew that he wasn't ready for a hug from me but the boys would welcome it. We talked outside and I got a few hugs from each of the boys. The youngest asked why I was leaving but I told him that his dad and I both had so many different things to do that we all needed to get busy. I smiled, was light hearted, and touched his arm as I was leaving. I wanted him to know that I cared but I wasn't going to press him. He has enough going on without worrying about me.

This forum has helped me so much... in the past I'd be crying, pacing around my house, singing to country music, and generally enjoying being miserable. I've been very calm and confident that this too shall pass and with a little work, we can get back to sharing again... until next time.

Thanks again... Happy Sunday!

"I haven't heard the "I don't love you anymore" line like so many others' have."

Unfortunately I have. I'm getting a lot of information on this forum, but I am afraid my husband will not face his disorder long enough to be diagnosted and then treat it. He is doing what he has always done - bury the unpleasantness and run like hell...

What is very difficult for me is not to let the old ball and chain of my first marriage (infidelity) get the better of me after hearing that "I don't love you" dagger in my heart. However, I know the traumas in his past and the more I connect the dots and read stuff like this forum, I know it's a form of PTSD that has made Dr. Hyde turn into Mr. Jekyl in a matter of months.

I am amazed at how many things in this thread hit home.... Especially the emotional yo-yo of "push/pull", back and forth. And the "Y'all will be better off without me, I'm damaged goods..."

I know in my heart that if he would accept that he has an actual disorder that can be treated, and that I would be supportive and loyal, we might make some progress.