I have had a difficult time lately and now am able to see the light. Working with the Therapist made me aware of how early the PTSD started. My first memory is being held by my mom when a burglar broke in the house and she sprayed hairspray in his eyes. I was just a toddler but I remember that fear. I lived in a physically and emotionally abusive home. Some "memories" are so clear that I guess they really are flashbacks. I remember my Dad beating my Mothers' head on the bathtub and then flushing her head in the toilet. The blood was so red against the white commode. We were in a hotel at Disney. Happy vacation right? I remember standing there crying for him to stop and he picked me up and threw me on bed. My sister hugged me while we listened to her screams. I must have been 4 yrs old. Then I don't remember anymore of that night. The problem with this is that I love and still love my dad. The fights they had during our childhood were horrible. It was a relief when they divorced when I was 6 yrs old. My Mother fell apart and turned to alcohol. We went from having a nice home, clothes, nannies to having no food in the house. But there was always money for Segrams 7, Coke, and Pall Mall cigarettes (in the gold pack!) though. Since she stayed drunk most of the time...that left ample opportunities for two girls under 9 to grow up fast and learn all the evil that people are capable enough. This is the about all I can handle right now. Getting this out hurts as bad as when it was happening. Why is that? I stuffed this down for over 30 years and my locks are rusting on my box. This crap just comes out without warning. I was so depressed that I recently was hospitalized. The first three days were a blur but meds were adjusted and with continued help from Pdoc and T, I hope that I can come to some kind of understanding with my past. Maybe my box can never be completely opened. But knowing there are others out there helps.
Booknerd

Hi Booknerd,
Getting it out is so hard but I feel it is the right thing. I do not pretend to know what your experience might be like, but for me the more memories I throw out there (here, to my husband, or in my journal) the less all-powerful the past seems to become, if that makes any sense.

Welcome to the forum... I've found support, knowledge and comfort here, I hope you do too. :)

Hi Booknerd, I saw your 'arrival' back on the forum a day or two ago - so welcome back ... again!

I can relate to ... "This crap just comes out without warning" .... I am going through that too, what a challenge! For me it feels like a 'leak', like my seams just suddenly split open and all the stuff I've been suppressing for three decades comes pouring out, mostly inappropriately and at inconvenient times.

I have realized that it is mostly just suppressed anger .... what? me angry? I have been the most docile person on the planet up until now - now I realize that I AM ONE ANGRY WOMAN !!!! I also realize that to get healthy I need to get that anger out in ways that don't hurt myself or others.

I have never really felt anger before now .. it is a new and strange feeling for me and makes me feel out of control when it rises up. I am learning however to recognize it and channel it in the right direction. Sometimes I forget to let it out when it rises up and find myself beating the crap out of a Tupperware contained a few days later ... he he ... poor innocent Tupperware!

So what is it for you? What crap comes without warning for you?

Hugs and courage,
Shiraz
X

"I have realized that it is mostly just suppressed anger .... what? me angry? I have been the most docile person on the planet up until now - now I realize that I AM ONE ANGRY WOMAN !!!! I also realize that to get healthy I need to get that anger out in ways that don't hurt myself or others.

I have never really felt anger before now .. it is a new and strange feeling for me and makes me feel out of control when it rises up. I am learning however to recognize it and channel it in the right direction. Sometimes I forget to let it out when it rises up and find myself beating the crap out of a Tupperware contained a few days later ... he he ... poor innocent Tupperware!"

I recently became a friend with my own anger too. I can so relate. I too have been that docile person...now I feel quite ferocious! Tell me about how you have found to channel it Shiraz? It seems since I took the lid of anger I'm finding all this resentment that I didn't think I had...

Hi Booknerd, welcome back to the forum. It sounds like you have various traumas to wrok through. I suggest strating a diary in the trauma diaries section. It helps to slowly get your story out instead of "stuffing" your emotions.

Hi Booknerd,

I don't know what is scarier to me: "having the crap come out without warning", or writing it down/ expressing it. I have to agree with Nic, starting a diary is an excellent suggestion (they say in point form of all your traumas, first).

You are doing much better than you give yourself credit for, because it is very difficult to say as much as you did already.

Good for you! Keep going.

a diary is a really good thing. it doesn't matter what others would think of the writing--just try to do it. it is hard to deal with all the anger. i wonder where it all comes from--sometimes it's bottomless...

Thanks for all the encouragement. My therapist thought that I should write letters to the abusers in my life as an assignment. I wouldn't mail them...just write them. That drive home was one of the worst. I had a panic attack when I got home. I got over it and then crawled into my bed and hid for the rest of the day. The pain of even contemplating letting it out was viscious. I had a terrible two weeks and saw the Psychiatrist who couldn't believe how severe my symptoms had escalated. Pdoc gave me "permission to not write the letters" and I felt better after hearing that. Of course the med changes helped too. I now feel strong enough to start somewhere. But maybe something small. Like Shiraz, I realize that I have so much anger. I'm afraid if I let it out what would happen. What I wrote on here helped. And all of your kind responses make me cry.(happy tears) I'm not alone and I'm not losing my mind. THANK YOU ALL!!!!

Hi again Booknerd,

Perhaps the assignment was a little two broad. If you start small with someone or a situation in the present that caused you mild anxiety (e.g. letter to the pdoc about the assignment?) then little by little, you could work your way up to the heavier issues and the more extreme anger points?

Just a thought...and *LOOK* I didn't write a book this time!!

HUGS
Robyn