My husband is not diagnosed and we no longer live together, per his request. He displays some classic acute symptoms, but is fighting the stigma and refuses to seek treatment or even be assessed.

That said, the focus of his latest episode is my children (his stepchildren). It's devastatingly painful enough to watch them be abandoned by this man who cared so deeply for them and then abandoned them out of nowhere (in their eyes).

He says he made a mistake marrying me because he overestimated his ability to deal with children. I have tried to give him space, but not lose touch. I keep telling myself that the man I love and miss so desperately is in there somewhere and that the things he is saying are not what he means. However, I am human, and in my current state of grief and worry, I cannot help but react when he says things like "If I have to live a life with you and the girls I will JUST DIE!"

Out of self-preservation, I cannot be subject to these kinds of outbursts, even in a therapy session (which it was). How do I keep from taking these kinds of hurtful statements personally? Especially when he is pushing hard for divorce out of pure fear? This cuts to the bone and I can't handle it...

Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.
TRULY Lost

Hi Lost in FL

I feel your pain and understand your question both with my mind and my heart. My husband has told me this on numerous occasions: "You get the brunt of it all because you're there...when it all comes home to roost...you're the one it gets thrown at and it isn't fair to you, I know... Just don't take it personally because it's not really directed TO YOU."

When I joined the forum and started to vent, all the carers and sufferers were telling me the same thing, "Don't take it personally."

In the middle of a battle, before I had began to take the necessary steps I needed to take to 'cope' with his PTSD, I stood in the kitchen with him, loudly and tearfully asked: "How?!?! You are telling me...they are telling me...but HOW?!? HOW DO I NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY when you are yelling at me and putting me down and telling me things that you KNOW IN YOUR HEART will hurt me?"

His answer: "I don't know. I'm sorry." and off he goes to his "safe" place while I stand and sob for nearly an hour, feeling very not safe and very, very alone.

A couple of weeks and a lot of reading later...I think I finally get it. You have to learn to read between the lines. When he says I think it's quite possible that the man you is really trying to tell you, "I can't stand hurting you and the kids anymore. I have to get away before it tears us completely apart forever. I know I need help but until I can find the guts to ask for it, it's better that try to struggle with it on my own. I really don't want a divorce, so the next best solution to all of this is for me to leave. I love you all too much to put you through this anguish. Give me time and let me see what I can do on my own."

Now, since I don't know you or him personally, which sounds more like the man you married? If it's the one I think it is...THAT is the part you take personally.

Lots of hugs to you are your family. I hope that time will provide the answers you both are seeking.

Robyn

Yes you are human. However, therapy is meant to get things like this on the table to be dealt with. If you can not deal with them in therapy where it is a safe environment to work it out, digest it, and understand it than why are you there? That is what therapy is about!!!

Out bursts like that are probably referring to his stress levels. The stress is too much. And it can and does feel like it's killing us at times. Trying to manage a marriage and children is a hell of a feat when one has completely uncontrolled PTSD!

In order to not take it personally you need to learn what PTSD is and how it rears it's ugly head. Read and read some more on here. There are many sections of information, stickies and threads with tons of information. After that it is a matter of learning how your sufferer's PTSD manifests, and how to handle it which can take a long time.

I do have a question and a sort of observation all rolled into one. You threw this my children have been abandoned out there. You haven't explained how exactly he did that? By leaving the marital home? The observation part is that it sounds very accusatory. You are mad as hell about this and holding a grudge. (a natural reaction as us mothers can be bears when it comes to our children) It really popped out as something that needs to be dealt with. You will not achieve not taking it personal if your blaming him for abandoning your kids. If you write the circumstance down I believe a few of us can shed light on it. I will hold my tongue till I know more for now, as I have a feeling I know what it is but can't be sure.

bec

Thank you both for responding... you've given the pause I needed to step back and think about this.

Robyn: Thank you so much for this insight. I honestly believe you are right on the money with this. He is certainly in self-defense, dukes-up mode and is NOT the man I know and love underneath. I know he's in there, and I also know that my reactions are only causing him more stress and anxiety (she says sheepishly).

Bec: Thank you as well for the sufferer point of view that I try to understand but am still learning about. To answer your question, you are also dead right on the "Mama Bear" coming out... I am mad as hell, and I cannot be mad at HIM! I know this in my head, but it's hard to deal with when I now have a 7 year old asking for her own "talker lady" to explain that she is hurting. She told her own therapist that "families need to stay together"... What do I do with that?? This is the child whose own father lives in Massachusetts and sees her roughly once every 18 months.

This man, her step-dad, made her breakfast every morning, tucked her into bed every night, tickled her, loved her and filled an emptiness in her. To go from that, to complete emotional and then physical abandonment, is causing a lot of .... collateral damage in and of itself. The logical part of me understands the necessity of this because of his uncontrolled PTSD, but the Mommy in me is crushed once again because of the pain I see in my two daughters.

Incidentally, my older daughter (17) has not been vicitim of the same emotional detachment as my little one and myself. She is very "low maintenance", quiet, well mannered and academically gifted. She and he enjoyed many an intellectual conversation, especially about history which he enjoys.

My "rookie take" on this is that she does not present a source of anxiety to him, so he does not feel the need to detach with the older one. He's told me that since my little one will be a "package deal" with me for a good 10-12 more years that is why he thinks his feelings for me "turned off" as well as for her. She is much more of a spitfire personality although she also is academically gifted.

I have been reading and learning and continue to do so. The frustration is in his steadfast refusal to be assessed, the way he completely shuts down in therapy, and in trying to handle the move to the new house, trying desperately to buffer my youngest from feeling she is responsible somehow, and maintaining my own emotional stability in the midst of this storm.....

I just need help in dealing as I am exhausted, drained and overwhelmed....

I am very grateful for the feedback and also the probable kick in the ass which I am sure I also need at this point!

PLEASE - give me some direction as I really am

Lost_in_FL

Hi Lost Fl,

Things are not going to change if your husband refuses to seek treatment. He will end up divorcing you, in his mind the only thing he can do to get his life back. He will live in denial and will find it hard to get the happiness he is searching for.

He has to see a doctor that deals with PTSD and then and only then can he begin to get better.....I say this because he will learn how to control, deal and live with this disorder. He will never be cured BUT with time he will learn to live life as normal as can be. Sure there will be problems along the way....but who doesn't live with problems? :)

Right now the stress of everyday life, married and with children is getting to him and doesn't know how to control it and react.

"If I have to live a life with you and the girls I will JUST DIE"

Maybe what Robyn says is right...but I have another opinion about why he said what he said. I would see it as: "Staying here is slowly killing me, I can't live with the constant stress and responsibility of being with children". You have to realize that with person who has PTSD...leaving is survival.

What Becvan is saying is also true, you are too mad right now :) but you have to understand that when he loses "control" his reasoning is not the same as ours.

Having said all this...as much as it hurts, you have to give him space...let him think things out for himself.

Learn as much as you can about PTSD and you will see that, often he can't control how he acts.

But what YOU can control is how you react to it! When he acts up....move to another room...give him time and space and when he is better again...talk to him ! It is no use arguing with him while he is at his worst...he won't listen, it will only get worst...he will shut off more and more !

You have to learn what triggers him, what will get him to be stressed...etc...

But never forget yourself....he has to know that you can't tolerate certain things !

It takes a lot of work on both parts...but you both have to want to make it work.

Good luck !

I don’t let my husband use PTSD as an excuse to be a D*ck to me! He isn’t abusive or anything but he has said a few things before out of just having a bad day with his PTSD. I don’t say anything about it at first but I will bring it up later that day when he is thinking more clearly or even the next.

I am not rude or argumentative about it. I just say remember earlier today or yesterday when you said "blah blah blah" to me?.... well that wasn’t nice at all and it hurt my feeling. Then I will go on to explain that situation and how it made me feel further. If he tries to chalk it up as anything but him being a d*ck for no reason then I would probably get mad but he never has. I think when I bring it up like that and when he is in a better place to talk about that situation he realizes that he was being a jerk and that it’s not fair at all to be that way to me. And then he works on being more conscientious when talking to me.

Don’t put up with any type of abuse for any kind of reason. NO ONE deserves that at all.