Hey Jen,

Good to hear that you are heading off to VVCS for some help. It is good to talk to someone, non-judgmental, about what is going on at home. I agree that your migraines are probably stress related. Have you considered acupuncture? I know some people think it is all hocus-pocus but I found a good practitioner there in Townsville who helped me fall pregnant (Alexander is now 16 months old) and helped me maintain my health while pregnant. He was aware, generally, of the stress I was under and I suspect that he also managed to treat me for that a little. Anyhow, it worked for me.........the guys name is Michael Dare, the Zen Den in Flinders St West.

Sleep is generally an issue for those with PTSD - either not enough or no quality sleep or they need to sleep to feel better. Anthony used to do that quite a bit and he needs to during the day which he is usually the better for. Nightmares can be an issue with some people avoiding sleep or it just interrrupts a normal nights sleep - if there is such a thing for them. Anthony does still have nightmares which I have learned to gently wake him from as he would probably go on like that all night.

Jen, its good that you have a daughter home to talk to but do you have anyone else? Aside from VVCS there is also a group called Partners of Veterans Association it might be worthwhile contacting them also. The ladies that I met before we left Townsville seemed like a lovely bunch, just dealing with living with someone and PTSD. It may be obvious and if you have been married for 20 years you may not be used to or inclined to but you need to look after you first. VVCS is a good step. They will probably tell you the same thing anyhow.

As for the business, if you let him, he probably will overwork himself. Like I said, it is a form of escapism for them but the stress is often just too much for them to handle. Never mind the fact that they are male and ex-military where their pride is often bigger than Ayers rock. God forbid they admit that it IS too much for them and that they either need a rest or some help. Life would be easier!! If you can ignore his criticisms and get on with the business, he will appreciate your help, even if he doesn't admit it. They are responsible for their own care but if you can see they are being silly about something, sometimes you have to step in. I have had to do it with Anthony before and still do occasionally if he is having a bad day. I make him get up, have a shower, encourage him to eat and sometimes drag his sorry ass out the door for exercise. Sounds like treating him like a child but it is not that, I can see he is unwell and I know (most of the time) how much scope I have into pushing him to do something for his own good. If he gets upset, I back of and let him be.

Hi Kerri Anne thank you for your reply I have felt a bit better today reading these emails. I just dont know what sort of mood he is going to be in when he decides to come home after his couple of days away. I am hoping he will be feeling a bit better about things after some time out.
Because the way I am feeling I am not going to stand there and be spoken to like an idiot that is the way he has been talking to me. He seems to be taking some of my confidence from me I dont know if he means to or not but I seem to be getting nervous around him I think I am worried that I am going to say the wrong thing? Does this make sense to you ?
Jen

Yes Jen, it does make sense to me. I have self-esteem issues myself, which
I am working on but it really bites me on the butt when Anthony gets in full swing. He is not that bad now, well only occasionally does he direct his rubbish at me but it still bites. In saying that, I think that the little 'daily' barbs or put downs are probably worse than the full on, in your face stuff - it has a way of eroding your self esteem. I also think that it hits your confidence because they are not often quick to or willing to admit that their own behaviour is the problem. Lets face it, why would they when you are readily available as an emotional punching bag. Sure it takes two to contribute to an argument but it is surely amplified when PTSD kicks in. Some of the trouble that I find is seperating what is 'normal' relationship bs and what is really PTSD. I guess all of us living with a PTSD partner suffers from that. My situation is a bit more difficult, in the fact that I didn't know Anthony before PTSD so I really do not know what he was like.

Worrying about what you do or don't say is a hard one. Sometimes you just never can pick the right moment. What you say today may get a different reaction each time. You might like to look at the posts about 'walking on eggshells' I am sure you will see some similarities there. I will send you the link when I find it. Which ever way you look at it, you don't have to take his rubbish. If he is rude to you, tell him so and walk away from it, you can't argue and win with them anyway. You were never right in the first place!! If you can tell him in a clear, calm voice that his behaviour is unacceptable and walk away the ball is right back in his court. His behaviour, he owns it.

Sounds like you are having a really tough time of it and are looking for answers. I am sure you will be able to find some of them here but face-to-face is probably better. I hope your husband is all the better for his break, it is good for both parties sometimes. Again, take care of YOU Jen.

Jen,

This is it.........

Walking on Egg Shells

If that doesn't work, go to Alcohol and Substance Abuse, there is a thread there called walking on egg shells.

Kerri Anne thank you I will have a look at this and I will keep in touch.
Jen

I think you need to get your husband on her Jen... and get him talking about some of the crap that is going on inside him. Trust me, this place wasn't created for the fun of it, and getting it off our chests is what everyone with PTSD needs.

Hi Anthony I will mention it to him when he comes back and hopefully things are a bit settled. But he is not one for expressing his feelings easily so I dont know if he will.This is probably a lot of his problems he doesnt open up very easily.
Jen

Good luck with it Jen. Anthony is also a bit of a closed book but he seems to think this forum helps him vent with others who understand. He doesn't talk to me much about PTSD, specific to him anyway and never really has. I don't know what the reasoning is for that but thats the way it is. I don't expect that he ever will discuss it with me but that is okay as long as he manages his illness. Its not really a blokey thing to discuss your feelings, why I don't know, but I even recall my stepfather saying to my brothers 'don't cry, only girls cry'. What a crock!! Suffice it to say that I will be raising my son a lot different from that. My aim is to raise a strong minded, individual who is not afraid to be emotional as the situation requires it. It won't make him soft and his life will the better for it - I think. At least he will have the opportunity to fully participate in life. For those that have it PTSD hamstrings them emotionally which I think is worse for blokes just simply because of the way they were raised and from what society expects them to be.

Hi Kerri Anne well my husband returned after his time away worse then ever!
Things werent to his liking and he went off he is so cranky towards me even my daughter commented on how he talks down to me. I have been crying all weekend Happy Easter
Anyway he packed his bag and moved out. Where to I dont know but he said dont worry about the business he can handle it. I have a casual job which I will keep now he doesnt need me around him. He told me I have issues he has so much hate in his face when he looks at me I am going to go and see a counsellor when they get in touch with me this week. I really have no idea what to do but I am going to leave it up to him to contact me first hopefully when he settles down because he just doesnt want to see me ( he told me that) 25 years marriage he said he is trying to save our marriage by moving out!!
Jen

Well my husband seems to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown I got a phone call from him last night at midnight from the motel he has been staying at for the last week I went and saw him he was a mess very upset and apologetic and emotional said he was thinking of suicide.After a night of sitting with him he seemed to have settled but was upset again this afternoon. I rang his psychotherapist this afternoon he is going to see us on Monday hopefully he can help out with my husband he seems to be a bit of a mess at the moment. Never seen him so upset.
Jen