Well, here I am sat in my brother's old bedroom. It is now an office, and my brother hasn't lived here for 12 years, but I can tell you if I heard the front door opening downstairs, the first thing I would do is get the hell out of this room.

I am staying here for the weekend. My parents are away on vacation. My other brother has been taking care of their dogs and I am giving him the weekend off.

It doesn't feel like home here. I feel out of place and ata loose end. I have been in my old room - I am supposed to sleep in there tonight. I feel so sad when I go in there.

I really don't want to be here. I never thought I would feel like this being here on my own. I always thought it was just because the family were here that made me uncomfortable. It's the actual place as well.

With all the trouble at work, I don't feel like I have a home anywhere anymore. No safe place to be. This is not a good feeling to have. :frown:

Piglet.....I feel very sad that you are feeling like you don't have a home anywhere....I agree that it's not a good place to be....
Belonging somewhere is such a basic necessity and most of the time here during the last 10 years...I've felt that way...I wish I could be there and give you a big HUG!!!! It's so hard with us PTSD people....to trust and feel like we belong...with people....with our own safe HOME....Often our experiences drive us to this lonliness for belonging in a HOME....where we have control...where we have the ultimate choices for our own safety...where no one can harm [we have already been harmed way too much!!!] My best advice for you at the moment is to do the safe things that you know will comfort you....I have my plush critters that I just pick up a couple and just squeeze them and enjoy how that feel....like I know I'll always be safe with them...I also have a kid-print fleece blanket that I can snuggle up to....I always throw it over my head when going to sleep....Ever since the rape....It's the way I feel safe...I would like you to find the things you have that comfort you...Keep them right near you...so they are easy to grab...a little comfort goes a long way I've found!!!! If you can't think about what comforts you....I highly recommend things that you touch...you can also curl up in a blanket with your favorite hot beverage....sit in your favorite chair and listen to your most relaxing music...deep breathe & let the world go on it's crazy careening pace....where ever you are..wherever you feel comforted...these for now will be your "home"....Also this online community is a good place to feel at HOME...Here we are who we are and it's okay!!!! I will pray today that your being will be filled with comfort and belonging....wildfirewildone....KEEPING THE PEACE AND CREATING IT

Oh Piglet.... I had to reread your post to get it right....Do I have it right? So you are in the creeps bedroom which is now an office in your childhood house, ALONE? Does the creep know that you are there, taking care of your parent's dogs?

This has got me thinking...I think one of the reasons I made recovery quite a bit faster than normal is because my (creep) I'll call dipshit, has no idea where I live. In fact, he doesn't know my language. He doesn't know my name. If he did know all of those things, I'd feel unsafe, at least unsettled. And then if I were sitting in the home, let alone the room that some of the abuse happened, would for sure send me off the deep end. Piglet, you are brave...

I think I would be in hotel.....

hugs piglet, I really am speechless. A lot of bravery. Maybe being alone will help in facing some of those demons there. And remember home is where the heart is. You will make your own at some point.

Piglet...I admire you....that takes some serious guts.

i can totally relate to the feeling of not belonging anywhere...i've been like this for some 6 years at least...and still clueless...

Thanks everyone - it helps so much that I am understood somewhere in the world!

I'm not sure if the creep knows I am here. Even if he does, it is unlikely that he will come over with just me and the dogs here, after all, there's nothing to be jealous of as I'm not getting attention from anyone that he's missing out on.

Being here on my own is allowing me to think about things without having to put the "normal" face on. I looked in the closet in my room last night. I used to have to stand on my bedside table and leap across and hang on the clothes rail to get myself on the high shelf to hide behind the clothes hanging there. I can reach out and touch that hanging rail now. There does not seem to be any room for someone to hide in there. I am shocked at how small I must have been. It upsets me so much to think about what that little kid experienced. I still can't believe that it was me.

On the brighter side of things, I am off to see my normal brother today. I don't see him as often as I would like and it will be good to spend some time with him without being in my parent's place.

Thanks again for the support - it is greatly appreciated!

Piglet, I give you some huge credit my dear.... because what your doing takes some serious gumption to do. Huge well done from me to even be in their.

Do you think it helps you to feel the things you do when in that house? I know the memories are painful, but do you think the facing that past pain is helping the current pain?

I think it is helpful. I am beginning to realise something. I don't know what that something is yet, cos I can't quite explain it.

It does bring back a huge number of memories, but they make me feel very sad, not angry like I usually am. Maybe I am beginning to accept my past.

I did have a good day with my other brother, his partner and her kids yesterday. We went down to a quiet river for some fishing. Didn't really talk much, just sat and enjoyed our surroundings. People don't do that enough any more. Maybe if they did, the world would be a less stressful place.

Funny you say that, because veterans often do the same thing, in that some return to the places (countries) of their traumas, ie. Vietnam vets often go over to Vietnam and visit some of the locations they fought upon, which helps give them some closure seeing how the country is now, opposed to how it was when they were their. They can feel the surroundings, though it helps them heal to see progress from the days they spent fighting. Basically, it helps them deal with then vs. now!

Anthony,

I have heard that also, currently... I cant stand the site of the desert. I have been having what I think are flashbacks lately. I dont think i have ever really had one before. I have moments where my mind wonders off and i get very involved in a memory... they are getting more and more real lately.... I am having more and more trigger, for example we drove by a building in a dark part of town that had a dim green light comming from it.... all of a sudden I could have sworn I was wearing night vision goggles on a night patrol... weird scary feeling.. I am afraid of things getting worse than this overtime...