Hello, I have not been to the forum for a long time, I reached the stage when every thread I read was triggering me off and I couldn't cope anymore. Anthony, I am sorry I came accross as so aggressive towards the people on the forum and you. I was not trying to imply that people shouldn't talk about their lives, by the way. When I have attacks I am so overwhelmed by rage and possessed by the spirits that try to destroy me I know I really go to the extremes and lash out at the entire universe and am barely aware of what's happening until it passes. I'm sorry I didn't apologise before, but I just had to go away to get out of the vicious cycle. I will start contributing again and if I cannot control my flashbacks in a way that avoids impacting on others then I will leave again. I noticed today you have brought in new rules because of aggressive or self pitying people and |I suppose I am one of those you mean. I have tried so hard to learn what most people think are ordinary civilized values but I still keep getting them wrong. I want to get rid of the evil ghost of my mother inside me that I can't kill, but she keeps coming out. To be honest I don't feel that this is a place where I can express my feelings or vent when I am sick, because it comes out in such a caustic way. I hate it, but I don't know what to do beyond what I've already tried.

I do want to thank the people who have been so kind and supportive on this thread and elsewhere. I feel ashamed and self-conscious and I wish I could repay you properly or equal you in compassion. I especially feel bad that people responded and I appeared to be snubbing them. I'm sorry for that, and will hang around more again and try to get to know more people.

Purdy, apology accepted, and no damage done. We all do it, we all make mistakes, hell... as you pointed out to me today, where I had used your name instead of cdunny's name in comments. We all make them, and we are all human.

Yes and no! For the most part purdy, you have been great having here, and it was only one time you fell down. Hell, I am fallen down more times here than I could count using all fingers and toes. We all make mistakes, and we are all welcome here regardless of those mistakes, providing we don't impose certain negative behaviours amongst the overall community, me included.

Purdy, it really is acceptable to vent here, that is part and parcel of the idea... its only when we fall into those low areas that we must realise we either need to take conversations off the board and go into private messaging instead, or we simply do not post at all until we can lift out off a mood.

I was a bit off myself the other day, and posted here to someone, and then apologised afterwards because I really wasn't thinking straight, and shouldn't have even come online, which reassured me that even I shouldn't come online here at times if I am not up to reading posts for what they are, and not looking into them without questioning the intentions, instead making assumptions.

Purdy, when in doubt, either go to private messaging or use the private trauma diaries to get aspects out of you, though saying that, you must be prepared for my responses that will come back at you. That way, your only going to be chatting with myself basically, and not in public as such.

Purdy, just know that you being here to help yourself, is all anyone asks of you. You don't need to give what you do not have to give, instead you need to take at the moment, and that is what is required for you to get yourself better. I think you did the right thing by going away, then coming back, because it has allowed you time to reflect on what why your being triggered, and consequences of that trigger and guess what... here you are again exposing yourself too it, in order to get past it. So in essence, your facing up to a trigger of yours just by being here, in that reading others posts and how they are supported.

I think your doing just great purdy, and just know, we are here to help you and support you, not judge you.

hello purdy, i feel for you: i was orphaned as a kid, other family didn't want to know, no spouse etc. so i have always worked really hard to build up important friendships. i know that feeling of being totally alone, especially when going through a real bad patch, because then, even with family/friends you feel too bad to reach out to anyone & even if you do they can't always give you the support you need: NOBODY (friends/family/spouse) can really understand what we're going through - but these pages CAN! i too felt completely overwhelmed here at first: too many people, too many stories, my brain isn't working properly now & my memory is shot so i couldn't take it all in, too confusing! anthony told me to BREATHE, we forget to do that! just stop a minute, stop trying to do too much, and do the baby steps i've now learned about here. and going back to family etc, now my friends are having to watch their aged parents having strokes, going into care homes, dying & so on, i look on the bright side (there are always bright sides just that when we're very low they go & hide so you can't see them!), i won't have to go through that, or have that responsibility! and when life has been very tough (as yours) making friendships can be very hard, maybe you can't trust people, but even if it's too hard to find people you can be close to in your life, it is possible to get support & understanding here, i have. and as they say on the ads 'you can do it in the comfort (& important for US here: safety) of your own home'! big hug to you purdy, hang on in there, ups & downs will come & go, but you'll find that the general trend really is UPWARD!

Glad to see you back purdy.

welcome back purdy. hang around, ok?

Oh... and bloody good to have you back purdy.

Oh Purdy..it's SO good to have you back!

Feel free to come and go anytime...for however long you want or need. There's no timeline here in dealing with our PTSD so take all the time you like!