Mixed Vacation

[Zolicor]

I just came back from a vacation my mother paid for me and one of my sisters (the other paid her own way) at a spa in Mexico. It was supposed to be an early fiftieth birthday present to me.

So how come I spent half of the time there crying? Mainly in private but also, on the second night, in front of my family. We were sitting around the dining room table playing Scrabble (fortunately, the other guests had not yet got interested in our game) and I all of a sudden burst into tears.

My older sister, who is probably the only person in the world I can talk to (even more honestly to - surprise surprise - than to my shrink) took me out of the room and just let me cry. I told her it's been like this the whole year, ever since I weaned myself off Zoloft and also had to go back to work fulltime. She thought it was also the letting go of the year's tension, in a faraway place (my son stayed in Paris with the families of schoolfriends), relaxing blah blah blah. Anyway, I got myself together and went back and we played a mean game of Scrabble (noone said anything; I'm surprised at my mother, and know that my younger sister is not capable of dealing with anyone else's emotions)

One evening it was my older sister's turn to cry - she said she was in such awe of me, all things considered (my trauma, my son's trauma), that I have to do everything alone and she said she felt totally helpless and like a bad sister. I usually hate having to console other people's distress about my situation (I did a LOT of that when I was in hospital, as well as having to deal with other people aka my mother appropriating my feelings) but not for this sister. My mother walked in just then and we quickly changed the subject and had another lovely evening.

What they all don't know is that I cried alone a lot, many times. I think it was because I hadn't seen my sister for three years and I felt she was spending more time with new friends met at the spa (one in particular) rather than with me. Also, it didn't help that I was reading 'The Virgin Suicides' (hahahaha, it's about five sisters who commit suicide), but I did read other things too. Anyway I cried from jealousy, from not being able to be as sociable and social and outgoing as my sisters and mother, that, even when I was sitting there, noone was talking or asking about ME. Sounds egotistical, doesn't it? But I thought this was a family reunion and that my sister would have wanted to continue the conversation we had started. She'll probably say (as my mother has already) that I close myself off to other people, that I'm not forthcoming......so what? They REALLY can't understand what I'm going through, as much as they think and try to.

Whatever....at this spa I got the best deep tissue massage I've ever had (the only one in fact). The masseur's hands were so beautiful and loving and caring, I ought to have cried about that (as I have not much of all that in my life) but I didn't. I'm still kicking myself about having made myself partially miserable during this trip but I can't say anything to anyone (thank goodness for this forum!) I saw my shrinky-poo today and cried my eyes out on the couch. He has FINALLY put me back on antidepressants (Paxil), I've only been asking for that for the past several weeks/months. Everything has to get analyzed first, grrrrr (I told him rather gruffly today that I wasn't planning on having any insight about my vacation)

Arrived back in Paris last Monday, still jetlagged but I had to go back to work the next day. I've had a VERY rough week at work, won't go into that, which ended with my going to see my immediate boss, crying (rolls her eyes, I hate crying in front of people, so ugly) and telling him how hurt I was by something he had said in a meeting, blah blah blah. He was shocked. Then I went and cried on my shrink's couch........

DO YOU THINK I FEEL RELAXED FROM MY VACATION???

[Zolicor]

PS I realize I shouldn't complain - not everyone has such a close family as mine, as kind a family as mine. I apologize for my rant........I just feel so isolated from the rest of the world

[PerfectEmpire]

She'll probably say (as my mother has already) that I close myself off to other people, that I'm not forthcoming......so what? They REALLY can't understand what I'm going through, as much as they think and try to.

Yeah, I know how that is. You are not alone there! I can see how you would feel isolated from the rest of the world. Trauma/PTSD is very isolating because of what you said above: most other people can't understand, as much as they think and try to.

I think you feel relaxed from your vacation - at least relaxed enough to cry! All of that crying, including your sisters, was a grand act of catharsis and was probably very healing for you. You just might be too busy being judgmental over the fact that you cried to feel the positive effects of it!

I hope you feel less depressed soon, but perhaps this mood is a phase, like a phase of the moon, and is necessary to help you get your emotions out.

[Zolicor]

Perfect Empire,

"You just might be too busy being judgmental over the fact that you cried to feel the positive effects of it!" - what you said is wonderful insight and I appreciate this so much! So much so that I feel supported enough to know that it is the case and I will act on benefitting from the positive effects of my vacation (my mother and sisters keep on writing to say what a wonderful time 'we' all had; I don't have the heart or the need to say the contrary; anyway, after thinking about what you wrote, it wouldn't even be true if I said anything negative)

Part of my negativity is jetlag, a difficult week at work, 'that time of month', the fact that I just started Paxil yesterday.......

In any case, many thanks again, for your comment. And thank you to the moderators for moving this thread to a more appropriate place (I was confused)