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Don't Care Any More

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Sammy

MyPTSD Pro
I am so down I just can't seem to get my happy going. I just don't care if I wake up tomorrow. I sat parked at the edge of the river the other day and tried to think of a reason to not drive in. I figured some do-gooder would end up pulling me out and everything would be even worse. I have promised my sister I wouldn't do anything stupid so I live and suffer. Right now I think it is selfish of her for me to have to keep going because it would be easier for her. I stay alive for others. How long should one be expected to suffer and stay alive for someone else? My spouse is sleeping with someone else, I can't be employed, everything I ever felt passionate about is not impossible for me to do, arthritis, asthma, damaged joints, no hope, nothing to look forward to. This is less than existing. Is this sadness, isolation, hopelessness all I have to look forward to? I don't care about anything.
 
Sammy

big hug.Your sister cares for you and loves you. It is not selfish for her to want to keep you around. I'm sorry that you think she is being selfish. You do not know what good lies around the corner for you. I am sorry you are at the end of your rope and seem to be hitting bottom.

I believe you. You have had it. Are you seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist? you need help and support.

You have alot of things goind on right now. Please know that you are not alone and do not give in or give up.
I tried to kill myself once and halfway through got scared and called 911 and had the humiliation of having my leg strapped to a chair to keep me from escaping. I was put in a room with a woman who threw a ashtray across the room. i was at ward b in a county hospital. Luckily I did'nt have to stay the whole 3 days there. I am very concerned for you. You have so much going on.

I hope you have one person you trust tha t you can go to and talk about this with. You are not alone.
 
You are not alone with these feelings at all. I know how it feels to be right on the edge of giving up -- everything seems like a struggle & not worth it.

This is going to sound so silly & way overly simplistic -- but gonna say it anyway because it is one of the reasons for pulling me out of those very same feelings.

Ever tried taking a B-complex vitamin? All I can say is add it to your morning meds and see what happens. That 'I don't care about anything or anyone' feeling -- by taking this vitamin, this feeling may diminish just enough to give you proper focus for climbing all the way out of this dark pit using other tools.

For me, this simple little vitamin gives a boost to everything else I am doing to stay well & out of the deep dark pit I am so prone to falling into. I take 1 in the morning, & if my focus & motivation start slipping, I take another around 2pm. It is worth a try, if you haven't already.

Of course, you do need other tools to go along with it, but this B-complex vitamin has had a huge positive impact on keep me well -- so much so that I have turned into a vitamin pusher (opens coat & shows bags of B-complex pills ... *whispers* 'hey kid, need a focus boost? try this, you'll like it.)

Hopes you find a strong foot hold to boost you back into life again.
--{@
 
Thanks. I will give it a try. Right now, I will do anything to make this hopelessness ease. I am SO low energy and so unable to see any kind of future. It is so hard to find people who understand. I go days at a time without talking to anyone and the only reason I leave the house is to care for the insane dog I have. I don't have real anxiety away from home, just don't have a lot of reasons to go anywhere and the effort it takes to get showered and dressed is more than I can manage most days. I generally make myself do it but, it might be evening before I can work up the energy.
 
@ Sammy: I know exactly how you feel but the fact you are staying alive for other people actually makes you a pretty nice person doesn't it? At the height of one of my suicidal periods I had developed a friendship with a little gal in my building who had a lot of trauma at home and I knew I could not add to her trauma. So, thats very good- karma wise as well. I am sorry that you feel that way.

All I can say is that I have felt that way many, many times in my life. You have to make a decision not to die and then get some help. Thats what I have always done. The last time I tried to kill myself I was actually very depressed for 3 days that I didn't do it. Its hard to kill yourself in the bathtub but it was an honest effort. I recognized I was also scared because I do believe in god and I don't think we are supposed to kill ourselves.

Since then, things have gotten better- I am having a rough patch right now, but not suicidal. I did get some counselling and praying really helped; listening to gospel music believe it or not. I cried, I cried, I cried and I just started feeling more hopeful and was able to develop some inner resources and some hope....hope is very important. Everything changed after a while- I took charge of my life more and made some changes- moved out of a bad situation and went back to school. Really developed a strong yoga practice but it really was the gospel music and listening to a gospel station when they had little sermons (not the hard core stuff) but the good stuff about how god loves us; that we are real to him; that we can have faith; that he does work miracles in our lives. I don't want to preach but it really made a difference in my life! I am not pushing religion, I am just sharing my experience and it really changed my life.


I just want to say I feel your pain; I know what it feels like to suffer; to be in that much pain; to feel hopeless. You are reaching out and that is the most important thing you can do-- keep reaching out. I will be here and I watch the boards for your posts, "its always darkest before the dawn". Hugs: Beth
 
(((Sends big lifesaver floatation device to Sammy))) & yells, "Hang On! We'll tow ya to shore." :)
Keep talking if you need to; lots here know what this feels like. Even if you are physically alone, you are not by yourself in the world. Knowing that these feelings are physiological & will pass with time can help -- doesn't help lessen the negative feelings in the moment, but can give you hope they will eventually go away. Like Beth said, hope is really important. Keep floating Sammy; shore is just up ahead.

--(@
 
I currently have a lot on my plate and it is making everything worse. I am really feeling like I am at the end of my rope. It is all I can do to get to the end of the day and not freak out at someone or completely melt down. I am just trying to get from one day to the next.

Thanks for the support. I feel very alone but knowing there are people "out there" who "get it" is helpful. It makes it a bit less lonely. I am dealing with the end of a 24 year marriage so everything is harder. I have allowed myself to be defined by him and his career. I have always done whatever I needed to do to keep the peace - and pieces of me have been removed every time. It is hard for people who have never experienced deep, abiding and long lasting trauma to understand.
 
Maybe you need to have a meltdown....For me once the tears start coming they just seem to have a mind of their own! Trying to keep it all together might just be the worst thing you can do.....stay in touch, I will watch for your posts!
 
*Nods, understands*
Deleted Story Entry -- felt wasn't helpful to discussion.

(((hugs)))
I understand and send you all the Well Wishes I have ... and a jug full of pennies to throw in the Well :)
 
@712xx: I totally understand what you are saying. If we could just get it together and move on but that just somehow doesn't work. I think there are seasons (so does the bible..lol) for work, school, living and then there is a time to heal and I think that time, for me, comes and goes. I usually have to hit bottom with something and I have to ask for help. As my luck would have it I have had t spend time recovering from my help....so, its not blk and white thats for sure.

Stuff is coming out about my family that I have no control over and to be honest I find it kind of humiliating. I always protected my family; putting the best foot forward and portraying all that was positive but there were significant gaps that I need to address so I can be a complete and whole person; an honest picture. Some people seem to get by without having to do that. I am def not one of those. Peace!
 
Doing better. I think I have kinda gone into a bit of dissociation. Feelings are just rather shutdown. My father is not doing well and I think I just hit the wall. I felt it "click" last night as my sister was telling me about Dad. It will all come crashing down at some point but for now, just rather numb. Too much to do and so everything gets locked away. Not sure it is truly better. But, it is what I need to do to get through, I guess. Thanks for the concern from everyone. It means a lot!
 
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