ItsAllGood
Learning
I have some educational info about grooming: how molesters and abusers groom their victims to accept their behaviour. This leads into the question of who's responsible for who's behaviour.
I watched a clip this week that taught me alot about Sociopathic thinking and grooming. It was an interview on Oprah's website. I found it in a search of her website under video interviews with Child Molesters. Oprah interviewed these four molesters/Peadophiles about how they groomed their victims and the guys basically explain their process of grooming and traumatic seduction full out.
I should say its a very confronting clip, they describe everything, yes I really do mean everything so if you choose to check it out have a think first about getting triggered and whether you'd actually be self harming or in some traumatic reenactment by exposing yourself to the discussion (There is a psychologist present and the molesters have been in treatment for at least four years so its based on them taking responsibilty and trying to attempt to remotely repay some of their debt, they do apologise whole heartedly and some of them cry and confess their own cycles of abuse and decision to perpetuate that cycle etc then Oprah talks to them about her sexual abuse). I watched it grounding myself and using a witnessing self to observe them in a detached way that watched it as a kind of 'recoursing'. But heads up people, its...grim.
Anyway I brought it up because I found it so educational about how grooming works and it enlightened me about the way I was groomed. Oprah talks about how if an abuser is doing their 'job' well (vomit) the victim should think the whole thing is their fault and that they are responsible for the perp's behaviour. The perps explain this kind of brainwashing process graphically and how they identify people that are vulnerable to being taken advantage of. The perps identify these as people who trust easily (give it straight away rather than someone earning it - like a small child does naturally/healthily) and people who have had questionable models of 'to what extent an individual is responsible for their own behaviour'.
Note the words: their own behaviour.
The molesters talk about recognising as molesters that kids who are in a family where denial is a central approach to issues display the type of neglect that makes the child especially vulnerable to abuse. The abusers/molesters talk about being able to tap into the child's starvation for attention and how they could slowly twist that into 'you asked for it'. Its a huge leap, especially for a child but many molesters manage it. They see this as being a succesful or master molester.
Also the Molesters say grooming is very important to their molesting process because thats how they make sure their victim won't tell on them. They talk about taking that very seriously because they don't want to go to jail.
I was just checking out Dr Alice Miller's website too where she has heaps of articles to read about why kids try to take responsibilty for their perp or parent's behaviour. It made me think about how good a sociopath or perp is at making their choice to action certain behaviour feel like its your fault. Alice Miller talks about how society would react if a complete stranger did some of the things to a child that one's perp had done in a random act. Why do we take these acts any less seriously in a different context? She talks about it in terms of discipline: spanking. If your parents beat the hell out of a small screaming child for spilling coke on the carpet (my Father) its called 'discipline', for some reason we think thats somehow ok, to beat a small child as though they have no feelings or won't remember something that horrific. But if a visitor had done that or random stranger on the street it would have been considered child abuse - someone driving past would call the police. So the child goes 'well, Im getting beaten by my carer/parent/authority figure so the problem must be me'.
Because how else does a child make sense of such gross social denial of abuse?
My ex (sociopath) told me he had been raped when we met. That was the beginning of my grooming. The woman part of me said to myself internally 'OMG this poor guy, Im gonna do whatever it takes to support him'. That was him setting up his disclaimer. Then any future abuse could be explained away as 'he was feeling traumatic because of the trauma (which he was taking out on me) so if I leave then his abuser (fictional abuser) has somehow won by making him unlovable.I thought 'oh I better do whatever it takes not to abandon this guy no matter what '.
The molesters on that Oprah clip outright explain and detail using exactly these kinds of stories to manipulate or brainwash their victims.
The thing to remember or realise is here we all are doing the work and trying to get well, taking responsibilty for our mental health regardless of our pasts, of how hard it is. Look at how we choose to respond to an awful past compared to the person they have chosen to be! My point: Not everyone whos had a shocking life chooses to victimize other people. Because we know we have a choice not to be that kind of person. Just like every abuser, every sociopath, every psychopath has a choice. If you choose to relinquish your freedom to choose how you respond, who you become as a result youve still made a choice. Every time you come on this site to talk about this you make a decision to deal with it head on. Even in captivity one always has a universal freedom to choose: the freedom to choose one's attitude to one's situation/ how one will respond to it/who you will become as a result.
This is where the wonderful Dr Viktor Frankl comes in (read Man's search for Meaning). All his work is about his experiences in Auschwitz and the role's people chose in Concentration camps in the Holocaust. Some people chose to give scraps of bread to those less fortunate and protect others, others chose to beg for jobs administering torture to other prisoners as their means of a kind of survival. His thesis is: The freedom to choose one's attitude, one's way even in the face of Holocaust atrocities remains. Frankl talks about one of the head guards at Auschwitz who never lifted a hand to a prisoner and paid for medical supplies out of his own pocket - which given his situation as a Nazi was an incredible acheivement in a sense, he was actually protected and celebrated by his Jewish prisoners for it after their release. Then there were the guards who were Sadists. It didnt matter what these guys childhoods were like. Torture is torture, rape is rape, abuse is abuse. They'd lived in the world so they knew the difference. But they made a decision when they chose their attitude to their situation. That was their free choice. It was their perogative to become guilty. No one else is responsible for that choice but them. Alot of Nazi's did commit suicide after the war so they wouldnt be charged for their crimes - they administered their own death penalty because they knew it was probably due.
My Father threatens the same thing, suicide. Its terrifying. But, The truth is it was his perogative to become guilty, to sacrifice his integrity. He made his decision and I mourn his decision, all of them. But thats his story, thats was/ is his choice. I wish he had the integrity to face his behaviour and do the work. But he's always chosen the easy way out, and I refuse to be the scape goat any longer. Because its not ok.
Sorry about the long post. I got fired up. Strength in anger! Yes!
I watched a clip this week that taught me alot about Sociopathic thinking and grooming. It was an interview on Oprah's website. I found it in a search of her website under video interviews with Child Molesters. Oprah interviewed these four molesters/Peadophiles about how they groomed their victims and the guys basically explain their process of grooming and traumatic seduction full out.
I should say its a very confronting clip, they describe everything, yes I really do mean everything so if you choose to check it out have a think first about getting triggered and whether you'd actually be self harming or in some traumatic reenactment by exposing yourself to the discussion (There is a psychologist present and the molesters have been in treatment for at least four years so its based on them taking responsibilty and trying to attempt to remotely repay some of their debt, they do apologise whole heartedly and some of them cry and confess their own cycles of abuse and decision to perpetuate that cycle etc then Oprah talks to them about her sexual abuse). I watched it grounding myself and using a witnessing self to observe them in a detached way that watched it as a kind of 'recoursing'. But heads up people, its...grim.
Anyway I brought it up because I found it so educational about how grooming works and it enlightened me about the way I was groomed. Oprah talks about how if an abuser is doing their 'job' well (vomit) the victim should think the whole thing is their fault and that they are responsible for the perp's behaviour. The perps explain this kind of brainwashing process graphically and how they identify people that are vulnerable to being taken advantage of. The perps identify these as people who trust easily (give it straight away rather than someone earning it - like a small child does naturally/healthily) and people who have had questionable models of 'to what extent an individual is responsible for their own behaviour'.
Note the words: their own behaviour.
The molesters talk about recognising as molesters that kids who are in a family where denial is a central approach to issues display the type of neglect that makes the child especially vulnerable to abuse. The abusers/molesters talk about being able to tap into the child's starvation for attention and how they could slowly twist that into 'you asked for it'. Its a huge leap, especially for a child but many molesters manage it. They see this as being a succesful or master molester.
Also the Molesters say grooming is very important to their molesting process because thats how they make sure their victim won't tell on them. They talk about taking that very seriously because they don't want to go to jail.
I was just checking out Dr Alice Miller's website too where she has heaps of articles to read about why kids try to take responsibilty for their perp or parent's behaviour. It made me think about how good a sociopath or perp is at making their choice to action certain behaviour feel like its your fault. Alice Miller talks about how society would react if a complete stranger did some of the things to a child that one's perp had done in a random act. Why do we take these acts any less seriously in a different context? She talks about it in terms of discipline: spanking. If your parents beat the hell out of a small screaming child for spilling coke on the carpet (my Father) its called 'discipline', for some reason we think thats somehow ok, to beat a small child as though they have no feelings or won't remember something that horrific. But if a visitor had done that or random stranger on the street it would have been considered child abuse - someone driving past would call the police. So the child goes 'well, Im getting beaten by my carer/parent/authority figure so the problem must be me'.
Because how else does a child make sense of such gross social denial of abuse?
My ex (sociopath) told me he had been raped when we met. That was the beginning of my grooming. The woman part of me said to myself internally 'OMG this poor guy, Im gonna do whatever it takes to support him'. That was him setting up his disclaimer. Then any future abuse could be explained away as 'he was feeling traumatic because of the trauma (which he was taking out on me) so if I leave then his abuser (fictional abuser) has somehow won by making him unlovable.I thought 'oh I better do whatever it takes not to abandon this guy no matter what '.
The molesters on that Oprah clip outright explain and detail using exactly these kinds of stories to manipulate or brainwash their victims.
The thing to remember or realise is here we all are doing the work and trying to get well, taking responsibilty for our mental health regardless of our pasts, of how hard it is. Look at how we choose to respond to an awful past compared to the person they have chosen to be! My point: Not everyone whos had a shocking life chooses to victimize other people. Because we know we have a choice not to be that kind of person. Just like every abuser, every sociopath, every psychopath has a choice. If you choose to relinquish your freedom to choose how you respond, who you become as a result youve still made a choice. Every time you come on this site to talk about this you make a decision to deal with it head on. Even in captivity one always has a universal freedom to choose: the freedom to choose one's attitude to one's situation/ how one will respond to it/who you will become as a result.
This is where the wonderful Dr Viktor Frankl comes in (read Man's search for Meaning). All his work is about his experiences in Auschwitz and the role's people chose in Concentration camps in the Holocaust. Some people chose to give scraps of bread to those less fortunate and protect others, others chose to beg for jobs administering torture to other prisoners as their means of a kind of survival. His thesis is: The freedom to choose one's attitude, one's way even in the face of Holocaust atrocities remains. Frankl talks about one of the head guards at Auschwitz who never lifted a hand to a prisoner and paid for medical supplies out of his own pocket - which given his situation as a Nazi was an incredible acheivement in a sense, he was actually protected and celebrated by his Jewish prisoners for it after their release. Then there were the guards who were Sadists. It didnt matter what these guys childhoods were like. Torture is torture, rape is rape, abuse is abuse. They'd lived in the world so they knew the difference. But they made a decision when they chose their attitude to their situation. That was their free choice. It was their perogative to become guilty. No one else is responsible for that choice but them. Alot of Nazi's did commit suicide after the war so they wouldnt be charged for their crimes - they administered their own death penalty because they knew it was probably due.
My Father threatens the same thing, suicide. Its terrifying. But, The truth is it was his perogative to become guilty, to sacrifice his integrity. He made his decision and I mourn his decision, all of them. But thats his story, thats was/ is his choice. I wish he had the integrity to face his behaviour and do the work. But he's always chosen the easy way out, and I refuse to be the scape goat any longer. Because its not ok.
Sorry about the long post. I got fired up. Strength in anger! Yes!